Day Seventy

A day of change… I read this post on one of the many infidelity support sites that I visit and it made everything come to light for me. 

Topic by USER 1:I've been given a life sentence...

and I did no crime. I'll live with a life sentence of:
knowing I was not enough to keep H faithful.
mind movies of the two of them together.
always having reminders of H A pop up at the strangest times.
putting realizations together of why a certain thing happened and knowing it was because of the A or OW.
knowing H was having sex with OW in the afternoon and then coming home and holding me in bed or worse yet having sex with me too. 
H claims there were good times between us during A. I told him that I can't seem to have any happy memories because everything reminds me that he was having an A during those times.

We watched fireworks for the local town festival this weekend. You can see them from our house. We hadn't seen them since he was involved with A and we went to town to watch them. I triggered  because I knew that he probably was with OW the afternoon before we went to go see them. Told this to H and his answer was, "but I was there with you at that time."

Am I just hanging on to this? The sadness just won't go away.

Everything in our lives has been tainted by his A. It's like it's creeped in like a malignant cancer and spread into our lives and it can't all ever be removed. I'm not sure why I can't say to myself,"The A is over. H just feels disgust and shame when he thinks of OW or A. Our lives are rebuilding. We have the chance to be happy again." Why can't I move past this? H hurt me so badly, it's over. He's

different. Why can't I let this go?

Responses from other users:

USER2
You know I've been mulling this over for a few weeks now (we're around the same place in time from Dday I think) and I'm slowing realizing that I have to make peace with being a casualty in something my H had to learn. It wasn't about me... and your H's A wasn't about you either. Not something we did or did not do or some way we were or were not being... it feels like it would be easier if it WAS about me... because then that means there would be something I could do to make sure I was safe and it could never happen again... But, the reality is, there's no safety. And I think this is at the bottom of my struggles... maybe for you too?

I see it like this... my H had a lesson he had to learn-- he would have needed to learn that lesson to become the person God wants him to be regardless of who he was with... just so happen I'm the one

he's with while he learned it. I think we have to learn to detach ourselves from the act. It feels so personal, but it wasn't... like when your kid does something wrong, something you've been trying to keep them from doing... it feels personal, like you failed as a parent, but in reality, kids have to make mistakes to grow... adults... spouses... they aren't really any different. We all have to make mistakes/bad choices, in order to learn what is right... and other people can get hurt in the middle of that, but generally, it's not because we're trying to hurt them... it's normally cause we're trying to not feel or be hurt ourselves.

I guess another less philosophical way to put is is that our worth isn't determined by how faithful or not faithful our spouses were/are. We are not more or less lovable because of it.

USER3

I think we have to learn to detach ourselves from the act. It feels so personal, I think this is a really important point. I think you are right about the why of it...if it was because of something I did or did not do then I have control of whether it happens again and I really do not...I just have control over what I do from this point on and that has to be all of the control I need.I can think of mistakes that I made as well as him that contributed to our relationship taking a downward turn and neither of us want to make those mistakes again, but I was not responsible for his A.    

I think we just have to learn to live with that and find ways to put it out of mind quickly and hopefully they fade with time. I can go back and find her old adress on H navigation system on old phone, can go back and find credit card statements with charges from two years ago and struggle with not going to her fb page to snoop. I see the mind movies and remember the words I read in emails and heard

him say in his more foggy state and even studpid things that have come out of his mouth more recently. Selling his car is not financially practical, but I still think of her sitting in the passengers seat...I just try to overcome these things with the goal of eliminating her from my life and giving her no space in my mind at all and hopefully one day I can completely put her out with the rest of the trash I probably need to get rid of.

Do not bash yourself ...it takes time...if you are like me, this is probably the hardest thing you have ever done and has taken strength you never imagined you had...nothing will undo it...but it does not have keep you from rebuilding and being happy again....at least I hope so...

USER1 response

let me rephrase this: It shouldn't have been "knowing I was not enough to keep H faithful" It should have been: Knowing H didn't love, care, for me enough to stay faithful. It WAS his choice! That is what hurts the most. H made a CHOICE to hurt me. Maybe not in the "I'll do this and it will crush her sort of way", but come on, we, as a couple, talked enough about A's for H to know what it would do to us. H always said he was as faithful as an old dog. I'd see it in his eyes if he cheated. We'll he was a dog and I didn't see it. He lied and hid it so well.

The thing is that this isn't something H can help me get over. This is all me. There is nothing he can do to make these feelings and thoughts go away. I'm left to deal with the mess and there are times I hate him for it. My plate in life is so full and he heaped this pile of shit on me to deal with too.

I KNOW I need to put this behind me to have any kind of life. I KNOW it wasn't intentional, but it still hurts so much and I just want to get past it, but feel stuck.

MY response

I have never read a thread that has hit so close to home for me...  this is ALL so very true. I am printing it for my H to read, maybe seeing the way you all shared your feelings will help him to          understand mine. I often wonder if I need to just give up on him and find someone who isnt going to do this to me, someone who isnt tainted with this and who would never put another human being before his own children. The sad part is that I thought I had found that someone, then he did this to me. I want a life that is not filled with pain and triggers and mistrust, I want happiness and honesty and comfort. Oh, to feel comfortable again.

But, I am here... living out my "life sentence" as it has been so perfectly put. All because I loved him so much before this happened and I have always believed that love doesnt just go away, so that love that we had has got to be around here somewhere.

I read this all to him when he came home.  We talked of the affair without tears or anger for the first time.  I told him I couldn’t fill in the blanks when it comes to his emotions any longer, it seems like he understood more than ever what I needed.  Unfortunately, even with this newfound understanding of what I needed to do, I was skeptical that he would be able to deliver… but slightly optimistic at the same time.  Crazy, right? 

Day Forty Five

Better day, things are finished for the conference and now I am packing, planning our trip and getting the house clean for the weekend.  I am nervous to leave, nervous he may want to call her or see her.  Nervous that he wont miss me.  I know I am only going for two days, but I hate not being right there with him all the time… he has proven that he cannot be trusted and I cant quite figure out how he is going to prove that he can be.  I don’t really believe anything he says, I try to but I still question just about everything that comes out of his mouth. 

He was sweet tonight, made dinner so I could finish getting ready and we had a few drinks by the pool before heading to bed.  He even told me how much he was going to miss me and how stupid he felt for missing me on a two day trip.  That brought some necessary relief.

Day Twenty Seven

We woke up cuddling and loving eachother.  We had breakfast as a family and went to church, for the first non-holiday service we have ever attended.  At church, I prayed for strength and the ability to keep my mouth shut for one whole day.  I swore to God that I would not bring up the affair, not ask any of the questions that had weighed on my mind and enjoy my family as much as I could.  I was successful!  We spent the entire day together, a trip to the library, lunch at a restaurant, watched last nights movie while the kids napped then ran some errands, had dinner and went out for ice cream.  It was one of the greatest days we have had, with only a few moments of silent sadness on my part.  I quietly worked through the rushes of doubt and depression that I felt throughout the day and powered through the images.  I only hope that every day in our future will be this way, minus the moments of silence I had to take to get through my emotions. 

I realize that he must heal as well.  He feels terrible about it and I cant continue to make him feel worse.  I wish he could feel the way I do, for just a moment, to see how badly I hurt and how horribly I feel about myself.  He cant.  He will never know this because I will never do this to him.  But, I cant berate him with my sadness, I need to find out a new way to deal with this that no  longer effects him.  I checked out books from the library on how to deal with infidelity and I will read them and learn from them.  I must allow him to heal, no matter how hard that is. 

Day Twenty Two

His first day back at work since he professed his love for me and his willingness to work it out.  I try to be positive and remind myself that he has never bullshitted me when it came to his feelings, he had been telling me for a few months that he wasn’t “in love” with me, that something was missing… but he also told me he wanted to work on it and try to rekindle what we had lost.  He was great today, sent me text after text, letting me know that I was on his mind.  He even got a little flirty and actually got me in the mood for a little afternoon self-pleasuring which I hadn’t been in the mood to do in months. It worked out in both of our favors because we had the most amazing sex that night.  We tried positions we had never tried, did and said things that one would see in a dirty movie  that I have always been too embarrassed to admit to being aroused by.  I suppose my newfound fearlessness in the bedroom comes from the fact that he is not the first man to cheat on me nor is he the first to get a little bored with the sex AND he couldn’t possible hurt me any more than he has by telling me “no” or thinking I was too freaky.  I have always wanted to be the nice girl, not the slutty one.  I wanted him, especially, to see me in an angelic way, as the mother of his children and the woman he loves.  Unfortunately, he also needed me to get a little dirty in the bedroom and I refused to consider it.  RefusED.  Past tense.  We are moving forward and I actually touched myself while he was inside me.  I only recently admitted to him that I have ever masturbated.  I would like to know what he thinks of me now.  If this fearlessness was part of the reason he finally decided he was in love with me.  I cant even begin to think that he chose me purely for the sex, even he cant be that cruel… but I have thought it.

Day Nineteen

Its time to go home.  Back to him, back to our home, our life, our children.  My flight is horrendous, more turbulence than I have ever experienced, which is definitely ironic, since the life I was returning to was going to be much worse.

I walked into my house, which had been adequately cleaned and all preparations for the following days family dinner had been taken care of, and I felt strange.  A stranger.  I didn’t really feel like I belonged there.  I wanted to get right back on a plane and go home to Washington, where I belong.  Then I considered my two babies, peacefully sleeping and excited about mommy coming home… THIS is where I need to be.  We went to bed and he held me so tight, the whole night.  I wanted to feel safe with him, to feel loved.  I searched and searched for those feelings until the melatonin pill that I have used for sleeping kicked in and I fell asleep in his arms.

Day Thirteen

Today I feel optimistic.  I woke early and climbed into bed with him, which felt amazing.  We had a nice morning, worked in the backyard as a family.  I discovered that his blackberry was locked, which sent me into a panic.  I asked about it, he said that his privacy was violated and he felt that I needed to trust what he said, not check into everything.  I let it go then put the kids down for naps and we had a little “nooner” after some civil, productive conversation.  I went to a friends party feeling less damaged and more repairable.  He took the kids to his brothers and I missed them all after few hours. At the end of the day, we put the kids down and had a second round of amazing sex, before going to OUR bed together for the first time since this all exploded in my face.