Day 101 - whatever...

I have finally stopped counting the days and writing regularly.  I cant bring myself to constantly post the same feelings and experiences, as it all is starting to resemble a cycle of some sort… good day, okay day, bad day, so on and so forth.  My pain is still here, although it disappears for longer periods of time these days and my crazy has subsided as well.  It’s not gone, but it seems as though I mostly repeat old crazies, which doesn’t compel me to write nearly as much.  

I am 99% confident that he no longer has contact with Cassie the Yogurt Whore, but there is still that part of me that sometimes doubts every move he makes.  I found her address, google searched it and, unfortunately, now have a vivid picture of their little love nest that is a mere 11 minutes from his office.  I wish I didn’t know that, I wish I hadn’t seen her house on Zillow and looked at pictures of her bedroom and bathroom and all the places they potentially had sex or made plans for their future. 

I had a new level of heart break recently when a truthful conversation between the two of us revealed that he doesn’t know how to love or receive love... even from me.  He doesn’t know if he will ever love anyone (besides our children) the way he should or they deserve.  At least that means he didnt love her either, right?  He is in counseling but this revelation… that the man that I vowed to spend the rest of my life with, is afraid to both love me and receive the love that I love to give him, and have worked so hard to rebuild these past several months... broke my heart.  To this, words cannot express my pain nor is there anyway to fully describe the conversation to not make him out to be a douche bag.  All I know now is that there is so much more work to be done, and that work may not be fruitful.  I may still end up living a life without him in it because I refuse to not be loved the way I deserve.  I asked him once, after I was suspicious over a post of hers on Facebook that brought on an unpleasant, frustrating argument, how he expected me to be confident that he is not still with her when he cant even tell me that he really, truly loves me OR feels the love that I give him?  He was speechless for a moment then simply said “youre right.”  He hadn’t taken the time to see this all through my eyes yet, and that question opened those eyes to what I was going through.   Counseling for him has been good, but he recently realized that maybe its time to focus on US.  I don’t know what that will bring, as his hectic work schedule has once again disrupted our lives, but it’s a start.  I hope to be in couples counseling by the end of the month, but the caring, accommodating mom in me wants to be sure HE is ready for it.  I want to know that HE wants it and is opened to it and I, being somewhat of a doormat, don’t want to inconvenience him with my counseling needs.  I realize that is nuts!  I cant continue to allow him and his issues to dictate my life, but its all easier said than done.  I hope that counseling will bring some sort of change to that part of my personality.  I am tired of living my life for him, but I did that to myself.  He did the rest, though, don’t get me wrong.

For now, I write when I have a new revelation or when I can put into different words the experiences or emotions I am having.  Things aren’t really that bad around here, considering.  I have been working from home, giving my life a bit more meaning (and less free time to think about this horrible thing he did to our family).  We have spent a lot of time as a family, have made extra efforts to have alone time and quality date nights and have actually gone a few days without my bringing up the affair.  Its all a start, but with so many underlying issues I don’t know if its enough.  I do know that, for the time being, I am still committed to making this work.  I know that I am amazing and that he has no reason, except fear, to not love me.  I am hopeful that this fear will disappear and he will realize the great woman that stands before him, loving him with everything in her and he will love her with ALL of his stupid, foolish heart.

Here’s to hoping!

Day Twenty Four

Today I sent him off on another business trip, back to St Louis where the affair traveled with him.  They stayed in a hotel together, spent a night in each others arms and I am left with the visions of it all.  Dinner out together, waking up with each other, a little action before the workday started, a trip to the zoo together while I was visiting family in Washington. My dead fathers birthday and he wasn’t even thinking about me.  A huge fight with my mother and he was with her when I needed him to be there for me.  He chose her over me.  He chose her over our children.  How do I sleep tonight knowing he is in the hotel where they spent such enchanted fucking evenings together?!?! She slept in the same bed as the pillow he travels with, the pillow that lives in our bed.  I realized that he had, for the first time, asked for a new pillowcase before the trip he took her on.  Gross.  He was preparing to be with her, to share a bed with her while we were standing in our bedroom with our children.  Now, he is in a city where I have never been, where there are only memories of her all around him.  I realized that, at a time when they were probably in bed together, I was singing his praises to my girlfriends about him and our life together.  What a fool I am.

So, I took this opportunity to search his car.  I looked at every piece of paper, every little piece of trash to search for clues that he is still talking to her.  I found a tshirt from the yogurt shop she owns, which I threw away, and that was it.  While it was anticlimactic, it was also a little bit of reassurance.  Either he is done or he is much better at hiding it. 

The day went on in a blur… I tried so hard to not think about any of this and concentrate on our children.  My poor kids have no idea whats going on, but they sense the tension and my absence and are acting out as a result.  They did not deserve this.

When they talked about spending their lives together, did they even consider the kids?  Does this girl know how hard it is to have TWO kids, let alone three (adding in her young son)?  Were they going to get custody then hire a fancy nanny to care for my kids while I was stuck in an apartment somewhere pining for my children?  Do they even know what to do with my daughters incredibly curly hair?  How about my sons excema… were bleach baths or oatmeal creams in their future too?  She told her mom about him.  He was excited that she did, wondered what she said.  This was a few days before he chose me. 

A late night phone conversation brought on more tears and anger.  I realized that several weeks ago when I called him from WA while she was visiting him in St Louis, I was crying and upset that he had the entire day off and never contacted me.  During this, he just sat on the other end of the phone, not saying much.  I was begging and pleading with him that I needed him and I loved him and I wanted to get through what we were referring to as our “disconnect” and he said very little, quietly.  She was there, with him.  I poured my heart out that day and she was sitting there, in my relationship, damaging my family and my soul and nobody showed any signs of guilt.  He said to me, in our conversation tonight, that he is sick of talking about it all the time.  Doesn’t he realize that I am much more sick of LIVING it?!?!?

Day Thirteen

Today I feel optimistic.  I woke early and climbed into bed with him, which felt amazing.  We had a nice morning, worked in the backyard as a family.  I discovered that his blackberry was locked, which sent me into a panic.  I asked about it, he said that his privacy was violated and he felt that I needed to trust what he said, not check into everything.  I let it go then put the kids down for naps and we had a little “nooner” after some civil, productive conversation.  I went to a friends party feeling less damaged and more repairable.  He took the kids to his brothers and I missed them all after few hours. At the end of the day, we put the kids down and had a second round of amazing sex, before going to OUR bed together for the first time since this all exploded in my face.