Day 101 - whatever...

I have finally stopped counting the days and writing regularly.  I cant bring myself to constantly post the same feelings and experiences, as it all is starting to resemble a cycle of some sort… good day, okay day, bad day, so on and so forth.  My pain is still here, although it disappears for longer periods of time these days and my crazy has subsided as well.  It’s not gone, but it seems as though I mostly repeat old crazies, which doesn’t compel me to write nearly as much.  

I am 99% confident that he no longer has contact with Cassie the Yogurt Whore, but there is still that part of me that sometimes doubts every move he makes.  I found her address, google searched it and, unfortunately, now have a vivid picture of their little love nest that is a mere 11 minutes from his office.  I wish I didn’t know that, I wish I hadn’t seen her house on Zillow and looked at pictures of her bedroom and bathroom and all the places they potentially had sex or made plans for their future. 

I had a new level of heart break recently when a truthful conversation between the two of us revealed that he doesn’t know how to love or receive love... even from me.  He doesn’t know if he will ever love anyone (besides our children) the way he should or they deserve.  At least that means he didnt love her either, right?  He is in counseling but this revelation… that the man that I vowed to spend the rest of my life with, is afraid to both love me and receive the love that I love to give him, and have worked so hard to rebuild these past several months... broke my heart.  To this, words cannot express my pain nor is there anyway to fully describe the conversation to not make him out to be a douche bag.  All I know now is that there is so much more work to be done, and that work may not be fruitful.  I may still end up living a life without him in it because I refuse to not be loved the way I deserve.  I asked him once, after I was suspicious over a post of hers on Facebook that brought on an unpleasant, frustrating argument, how he expected me to be confident that he is not still with her when he cant even tell me that he really, truly loves me OR feels the love that I give him?  He was speechless for a moment then simply said “youre right.”  He hadn’t taken the time to see this all through my eyes yet, and that question opened those eyes to what I was going through.   Counseling for him has been good, but he recently realized that maybe its time to focus on US.  I don’t know what that will bring, as his hectic work schedule has once again disrupted our lives, but it’s a start.  I hope to be in couples counseling by the end of the month, but the caring, accommodating mom in me wants to be sure HE is ready for it.  I want to know that HE wants it and is opened to it and I, being somewhat of a doormat, don’t want to inconvenience him with my counseling needs.  I realize that is nuts!  I cant continue to allow him and his issues to dictate my life, but its all easier said than done.  I hope that counseling will bring some sort of change to that part of my personality.  I am tired of living my life for him, but I did that to myself.  He did the rest, though, don’t get me wrong.

For now, I write when I have a new revelation or when I can put into different words the experiences or emotions I am having.  Things aren’t really that bad around here, considering.  I have been working from home, giving my life a bit more meaning (and less free time to think about this horrible thing he did to our family).  We have spent a lot of time as a family, have made extra efforts to have alone time and quality date nights and have actually gone a few days without my bringing up the affair.  Its all a start, but with so many underlying issues I don’t know if its enough.  I do know that, for the time being, I am still committed to making this work.  I know that I am amazing and that he has no reason, except fear, to not love me.  I am hopeful that this fear will disappear and he will realize the great woman that stands before him, loving him with everything in her and he will love her with ALL of his stupid, foolish heart.

Here’s to hoping!

Day Fifty One

Fathers Day... how do I celebrate him as a father when I am doubting him as one so much right now?  I decided that today is not about me or our relationship or that two month period where he was such a horrible dad.  Its about him and our kids and the great father he has been over the past four and half years.  Today is about my hope that he can become that man again. 

We woke up early, the kids excited about the presents and cupcakes we made.  We decorated the kitchen while he was running then went to church, then breakfast out and came back home to nap and swim and bbq.  He loved all of his gifts and seemed so surprised that we did anything for him, feeling as though he didnt deserve any of it.  All the remorse I have been looking for from him was shown in a different way today.

I wrote him a touching card expressing my hope for our future and it made me feel great.  I realize that I have to be better to him if I want him to become better.  I am not taking any responsiblity for the mess he has created, but am taking control of our resolution and recovery.  Unfortunately, I cant expect him to fix this on his own, I need to take part.  So I will.  I am changing my view of him for today.  I am showing him that I can love him again, even if I dont fully believe it.  The response was astounding... he was so loving and caring that I teared up several times, remembering the man he was and seeing him return today was so emotional and wonderful for me.  I think he really enjoyed it too, not having the affair looming over him for a day. 

After an exhausting day, I fell asleep in his arms while he watched a TV show and had the best hour of sleep I have had in fifty one days.  He carressed my back while I slept and I felt loved, truly loved, for the first time in months. 

Day Forty Five

Better day, things are finished for the conference and now I am packing, planning our trip and getting the house clean for the weekend.  I am nervous to leave, nervous he may want to call her or see her.  Nervous that he wont miss me.  I know I am only going for two days, but I hate not being right there with him all the time… he has proven that he cannot be trusted and I cant quite figure out how he is going to prove that he can be.  I don’t really believe anything he says, I try to but I still question just about everything that comes out of his mouth. 

He was sweet tonight, made dinner so I could finish getting ready and we had a few drinks by the pool before heading to bed.  He even told me how much he was going to miss me and how stupid he felt for missing me on a two day trip.  That brought some necessary relief.

Day Thirty Four

Today was all about me.  He woke up at 530 just to go to the store and get me a cup of coffee, a donut, flowers and a few small gifts.  We went to church, then to a nice brunch and spent the day at my favorite place… the horse races.  I enjoyed it so much that I often forgot about the affair!  Until we drove home through the city she lives in.  Then it all came in, flooding my brain with realization after realization.  I wondered what she did today, if he thought about her as we drove past her exit off of the freeway and if she thought about him, somehow knowing he was close by.  Did she feel bad for what she did?  Was I just a road block in her plans?  I hate that her life is okay after this, that all she did was lose a guy she thought she loved for two months.  I hate her more and more everyday.  I want to tell her family, her ex-husband, her friends what she did.  How sneaky and horrible she is.    The night ended with tears and hugging and all sorts of dramatics… how can such a great day turn into this?!?!?  Will there ever be great days that don’t end in some sort of melodrama?