Day Thirty Four

Today was all about me.  He woke up at 530 just to go to the store and get me a cup of coffee, a donut, flowers and a few small gifts.  We went to church, then to a nice brunch and spent the day at my favorite place… the horse races.  I enjoyed it so much that I often forgot about the affair!  Until we drove home through the city she lives in.  Then it all came in, flooding my brain with realization after realization.  I wondered what she did today, if he thought about her as we drove past her exit off of the freeway and if she thought about him, somehow knowing he was close by.  Did she feel bad for what she did?  Was I just a road block in her plans?  I hate that her life is okay after this, that all she did was lose a guy she thought she loved for two months.  I hate her more and more everyday.  I want to tell her family, her ex-husband, her friends what she did.  How sneaky and horrible she is.    The night ended with tears and hugging and all sorts of dramatics… how can such a great day turn into this?!?!?  Will there ever be great days that don’t end in some sort of melodrama?

Day Thirty Two

I read about Hysterical Bonding today… its when the sex after dday is amazing and you are “reclaiming” what is yours.  It scared the shit out of me.  Is that what all that great sex was about?  I thought it was about the massive amount of honesty we shared and hopes for the future. What if that part is over now, will he still love me?  Is that what brought him to realize that he loves me?  We had amazing sex the first two nights he was back from his trip… will that even continue?  I have really tried to keep up with our sex life throughout this and he has been very understanding that what he is getting from me is much more than he expected or deserves.  I don’t want a relationship built on great sex… I want to build great sex on our relationship.

I asked him about it.  I read to him what I had read about it, he disagreed. He, again, told me that he is getting much more action than he expected or deserved and that he would be fine if we ceased all sexual activity for a while, to make sure I know its not about that.  Finally, he said exactly what I needed him to say at exactly the right moment.  

Day Twenty Seven

We woke up cuddling and loving eachother.  We had breakfast as a family and went to church, for the first non-holiday service we have ever attended.  At church, I prayed for strength and the ability to keep my mouth shut for one whole day.  I swore to God that I would not bring up the affair, not ask any of the questions that had weighed on my mind and enjoy my family as much as I could.  I was successful!  We spent the entire day together, a trip to the library, lunch at a restaurant, watched last nights movie while the kids napped then ran some errands, had dinner and went out for ice cream.  It was one of the greatest days we have had, with only a few moments of silent sadness on my part.  I quietly worked through the rushes of doubt and depression that I felt throughout the day and powered through the images.  I only hope that every day in our future will be this way, minus the moments of silence I had to take to get through my emotions. 

I realize that he must heal as well.  He feels terrible about it and I cant continue to make him feel worse.  I wish he could feel the way I do, for just a moment, to see how badly I hurt and how horribly I feel about myself.  He cant.  He will never know this because I will never do this to him.  But, I cant berate him with my sadness, I need to find out a new way to deal with this that no  longer effects him.  I checked out books from the library on how to deal with infidelity and I will read them and learn from them.  I must allow him to heal, no matter how hard that is. 

Day Twenty

Family Sunday.  The kids woke up and we had breakfast, went to church and hung out with his family.  His mother is still in town (until tomorrow morning) and we invited his brother and his family to our house to swim and have dinner.  It was nice, I’ll admit, to pretend that nothing was wrong especially since he was so affectionate and loving that I had a few brief moments during the day where I felt almost a little happy.  Unfortunately, those moments were few and fleeting.  It gave me hope, though.  Maybe as the days go on, I will gradually feel better, have longer and more frequent moments of happiness and maybe, just maybe, go a whole day without imagining their naked, sweaty bodies bumping up against one another while they orgasm and his fluids rush into her body instead of mine. An entire day without thoughts of his love confessions to her and of his chosing to be with her over me.  24 hours without moments of realizations about the absolute lie that my life was for two months.  One day without wondering if I chose the wrong man.

Day Nineteen

Its time to go home.  Back to him, back to our home, our life, our children.  My flight is horrendous, more turbulence than I have ever experienced, which is definitely ironic, since the life I was returning to was going to be much worse.

I walked into my house, which had been adequately cleaned and all preparations for the following days family dinner had been taken care of, and I felt strange.  A stranger.  I didn’t really feel like I belonged there.  I wanted to get right back on a plane and go home to Washington, where I belong.  Then I considered my two babies, peacefully sleeping and excited about mommy coming home… THIS is where I need to be.  We went to bed and he held me so tight, the whole night.  I wanted to feel safe with him, to feel loved.  I searched and searched for those feelings until the melatonin pill that I have used for sleeping kicked in and I fell asleep in his arms.

Day Twelve

Today my sister, my rock, leaves.  I have to do this without her wisdom and guidance and I am afraid.  Twelve days ago he shattered my soul and I now I have to be around him, alone in our home, for the first time since.  He works tonight, then he takes the kids tomorrow to see his brother while I get ready for my trip home to Washington on Tuesday.  I took my sister to the airport and returned exhausted, not ready to do this alone.  He surprised me with how attentive he was, offered to bring me dinner on his way home from work, picked up beer and cuddled with me on the couch.  He seemed different, in a good way. Less withdrawn and more present.  I asked him to come to bed with me, instead of staying in the spare room and he declined. I asked him to “tuck me in” and he said he would but never showed. Again, his phone was with him all day and I have a feeling in my gut that says that this is weird, but I have to at least try to believe him when he says he isn’t doing anything wrong.