Day Sixty Five

I met him at his work tonight for a date night to a favorite concert of ours.  We walked around his building gathering things we were borrowing for the concert, the whole time I was wondering where they had sex, if we were walking near places where they had done it.  I felt disgusting, but I powered through it.  I was not going to let this ruin my night.  I was paying a very expensive babysitter, I looked HOT and was ready for a good time!

At the concert we had a blast, made out like teenagers, made fun of people and truly enjoyed each others company.  We rocked out!  We took pictures, drank beer and ate nachos.  A perfect evening, except for the whole affair thing hanging over our heads like a dark, wet cloud that was about to rain thunder and lightening all over our lives.  I am trying so hard to be positive but something in me tells me that we are nearing the end.  I cant help it.  Its there, even though I don’t want it to be.  I push it out of my head all day everyday, but it comes back stronger, more vivid.  I cant imagine living my entire life with someone who could do this to me... to our family.  I am trying so hard to make it through this, but I fear that I am just not strong enough.

Day Fifty Five

Started the day by sleeping in for the first time in four years… it was amazing.  He went for a run and I made the kids pancakes, excited about the extra day off he had taken.  We had plans, projects to do and lots of time to do them in.  The morning was great.  As we prepared to return our long overdue items to the library, he sent me hunting through his laptop bag to find the missing movie… that’s when I found a receipt for a book she purchased him (dated over two months ago) and a CD title Disc 2 that was filled with songs that we hadn’t downloaded.  I asked about the CD, as non-attacking as I could.  “This CD was floating around in your bag… is it important?  Its going to get ruined” “No, its fine” with a worried look on his face.  “What is it?” I asked.  “Just a CD with songs on it.” Liar.  He knew the question I was asking and he is still trying to cover shit up.  I was furious, broke the CD and we got into a huge fight.  He doesn’t understand the term FULL TRANPSARENCY.  He is trying to protect himself, not me.  His first instinct is to lie, to cover something up.  How can I ever trust him again when he cant even be honest about a stupid CD?!?!?!  Its not just the CD, it’s the fact that I had asked a few weeks ago if there had ever been any gifts between them and had she ever bought him anything.  He said no.  There were 2 CD’s and a book that I knew of now.  He doesn’t know how to fess up to anything.  He can be such a coward.

As the fight went on, I realized that there was no going back.  He said it and I felt it… The weekend was ruined.  He would rather be at work than at home defending every action, being attacked and punished.  He was right.  Moving on was going forward, not staying in one spot dissecting every moment of a past painful mistake.   I decided to shove as much of it into the back of my mind as possible and try to go on with the weekend.  This could be our last weekend together for a while, as his job is getting into its busy season, and I want it to be great.

We did a little shopping, had a nice lunch then came home and had a lovely dinner that he prepared on the bbq.  It was a nice day, once we recovered from the morning.  I can do this.