Days Ninety Two-One Hundred

Well, this past week has been quite the whirlwind... not in terms of the affair, but in life in general.  I finally got my laptop back (it was being repaired) and instead of retyping all of my entries that I have hand written everday (I dont know if I have the time with two kids to care for and a house to keep up!), I thought I would give a brief description of the past week in one post. 

On day ninety two, my mother in law came to stay with us for the first time since her visit just one day after my second D Day... it was so hard to have her here as her presence brought back so many emotions from those first few weeks.  She was here the day I left for my solo visit to Washington after I discovered that my husband was still talking to the yogurt whore two weeks after I found out about the affair.  She came to my house and saw it in complete disaray (which is rare for me!).  She heard my four year old tell her that mommy told daddy to get out of the house.  Her son told her he cheated while I was in Washington trying to figure out what to do.  All of this flooded my brain as I picked her up that afternoon.  As her visit went on, I faded in and out of silence, just trying to get through it.  I had moments of sadness that I had to hide, for fear of telling her all of the things I was sure she didnt know... he introduced her grandchildren to his slutty girlfriend, he gave up precious time with them to be with her, he broke my heart so much that I have only recently been able to get back to keeping up the house and spending quality time with my children (which is all very important to her, as she was a stay home mom herself).  We tried to stay busy and I tried to keep a smile on my face, but the comments about my weight and appetite kept flying out of her mouth, constantly reminding me why I cant eat and why I look so frail.  She meant well, but slowly ate away at me for the seven days that she was here.  My husband took some time off work to spend with us and that brought me some comfort, but as soon as he returned to work yesterday I felt it all again and she kept on with her comments.  "Youre so thin."  "Are you sure you dont want to eat some more?" "Are you losing weight on purpose?" Ugh.

The best part of her visit was the overnight date my husband and I had this past weekend.  He planned it all out... dinner at a great restaurant then a comedy show followed by a hotel stay at a nice, hip hotel downtown and finished off with a wonderful breakfast the next morning.  We had a blast!  Dinner was filled with great food and even greater conversation, the comedy show was hilarious and the drinks we had after were fun and flirty, making for quite the amazing night in the hotel, where we stayed up late in the throws of passion.  We awoke the next morning with even more passion, a shower and a nice breakfast... just the two of us.  Its been over two years since we have done anything like that and it was almost magical, had it not been for the horrible images of his passionate hotel nights with her.  I feel like this will never go away. 

My mother in law left this morning, leaving me to take a deep breath and feel all of the emotions I hid while she was here.  I cried as the car pulled away, finally able to really let this all out.  I am still in such shock that this is all happening to me.  That he did this to me.  To us.  Hiding it has been so difficult, mainly because I wanted her to see what her son did to me, but I also didnt want to relive it.  I didnt want to drag any other innocent parties into this mess. While her and my husband were alone running errands one afternoon, she asked him how everything was going between us.  He was honest and said that we still had a long road ahead of us and she said "well, she seems to be doing great, but I see it in her eyes that she is hurt."  So true.  She also said that she was nervous about her trip as well and has been pleased that we both pretended like it never happened.  That pissed me off, for some reason, so I casually brought it up a few times.  Once I referenced my sisters last trip here, stating that "everything was such a disaster here, she wasnt able to fully enjoy her visit" and "she was ready to move here to help me since I was planning on leaving your son."  Then, I mentioned that moving wasnt in the cards of us, "unless it didnt work out between us."  I also told her that I wasnt going to move for him again, as I had done it so many times before and "we both know how he decided to treat me." 

Was it a little much?  Probably.  But, I just couldnt let her go home without knowing that I wasnt going to always pretend like this didnt happen.  This is part of my life now, and I know its not her fault but I want her to know that (1) if we dont make it through this, its becuase of what he did and I tried to get past it and (2) if we do make it through this, how strong I am and how much pain I had to overcome. 

Now, she is gone and I hope to get back to the place I was before she arrived.  I was getting stronger, feeling more in control of myself and ready to work it out with him.  I hope that the flood of memories did not set me back... I need forward movement.  I need hope for the future.

Day Seventy One

Tonight was Date Night… we took the kids to playcare and went out to a new sushi restaurant.  We had a blast!  We had so much to talk about, and none of it was about the kids!  We talked about my new job, his work, and just general, enjoyable chit chat.  We shared all of the dishes we ordered and we went out for ice cream after.  When we went to pick up the kids from playcare, it didn’t end like it usually does.  We quickly put them to bed and continued with the enjoyable evening… ending in true date night fashion, both of us satisfied beyond anything we had ever experienced.

The thing I learned tonight is that I do love him and I really believe that he loves me.  How he is going to show that love in the future is a whole different story, but I felt it tonight.

Day Sixty Five

I met him at his work tonight for a date night to a favorite concert of ours.  We walked around his building gathering things we were borrowing for the concert, the whole time I was wondering where they had sex, if we were walking near places where they had done it.  I felt disgusting, but I powered through it.  I was not going to let this ruin my night.  I was paying a very expensive babysitter, I looked HOT and was ready for a good time!

At the concert we had a blast, made out like teenagers, made fun of people and truly enjoyed each others company.  We rocked out!  We took pictures, drank beer and ate nachos.  A perfect evening, except for the whole affair thing hanging over our heads like a dark, wet cloud that was about to rain thunder and lightening all over our lives.  I am trying so hard to be positive but something in me tells me that we are nearing the end.  I cant help it.  Its there, even though I don’t want it to be.  I push it out of my head all day everyday, but it comes back stronger, more vivid.  I cant imagine living my entire life with someone who could do this to me... to our family.  I am trying so hard to make it through this, but I fear that I am just not strong enough.