Day Fifty Five

Started the day by sleeping in for the first time in four years… it was amazing.  He went for a run and I made the kids pancakes, excited about the extra day off he had taken.  We had plans, projects to do and lots of time to do them in.  The morning was great.  As we prepared to return our long overdue items to the library, he sent me hunting through his laptop bag to find the missing movie… that’s when I found a receipt for a book she purchased him (dated over two months ago) and a CD title Disc 2 that was filled with songs that we hadn’t downloaded.  I asked about the CD, as non-attacking as I could.  “This CD was floating around in your bag… is it important?  Its going to get ruined” “No, its fine” with a worried look on his face.  “What is it?” I asked.  “Just a CD with songs on it.” Liar.  He knew the question I was asking and he is still trying to cover shit up.  I was furious, broke the CD and we got into a huge fight.  He doesn’t understand the term FULL TRANPSARENCY.  He is trying to protect himself, not me.  His first instinct is to lie, to cover something up.  How can I ever trust him again when he cant even be honest about a stupid CD?!?!?!  Its not just the CD, it’s the fact that I had asked a few weeks ago if there had ever been any gifts between them and had she ever bought him anything.  He said no.  There were 2 CD’s and a book that I knew of now.  He doesn’t know how to fess up to anything.  He can be such a coward.

As the fight went on, I realized that there was no going back.  He said it and I felt it… The weekend was ruined.  He would rather be at work than at home defending every action, being attacked and punished.  He was right.  Moving on was going forward, not staying in one spot dissecting every moment of a past painful mistake.   I decided to shove as much of it into the back of my mind as possible and try to go on with the weekend.  This could be our last weekend together for a while, as his job is getting into its busy season, and I want it to be great.

We did a little shopping, had a nice lunch then came home and had a lovely dinner that he prepared on the bbq.  It was a nice day, once we recovered from the morning.  I can do this.

Day Fifty Two

Tonight was a night I knew was NOT going to go well.  He had been planning a boys night with his visiting friend and I was not happy about it.  We compromised that they would go to a bar for a few drinks, meet his brother for dinner then leave at half time of the game they were watching.  Well, just as I expected, some ridiculous factors forced him to stay through the whole game and get home at almost midnight.  The service was slow at the restaurant.  He claimed that his TWO text messages where him “checking in all night” and thought that his promises that “its never going to happen again, you have nothing to worry about” were enough for me to know that what he was doing was harmless, just drinkin’ with the boys.  Bullshit.  It wasn’t harmless.  He knew how uncomfortable I was with it and he chose his own selfish needs ahead of mine.  Sound familiar?  That’s exactly what he did while he was sneaking around with that dirty little yogurt shop owning slut. 

Well, as one can imagine, a huge fight ensued and I was actually punching the ground with frustration.  He claims he did everything right.  He doesn’t understand what the problem is.  The real problem is that I have gotten myself so worked up that I cant even calm down.  I cry, whisper-yell at the top of my lungs (kids AND overnight visitor are all asleep) and he just lies in bed, watching.  He has no reaction to it (per usual).  THIS is the problem.  He never reacts.  He just sits there. Never shares feelings, never holds me when I am upset.  He just sits there.

I finally conceded only because I was feeling so lonely I would do anything to get him to hold me.  How ridiculous is that?  He doesn’t understand, but am I foolish to expect him to?