Day Sixty Eight

Woke up alone, he was at the gym.  My daughter crawled into bed with me and went back to sleep so I was unable to really talk to him, for fear of waking her when I left the bed.  There seems to be this great distance between us, one that I put there.  How can I possibly feel guilty?!?!  I didn’t fuck someone else!  I didn’t tell someone else I loved them!  I didn’t lie, sneak around and betray my family yet I feel like I am causing all of this stress on our relationship.  WHY WONT HE TALK TO ME? He is not giving me the silent treatment or anything, but I don’t know what he is going through in this.  Does he miss her?  Does he regret choosing me?  Does he feel bad?   I am so frustrated today I cant stand it.  I went on craigslist and found all of these married men looking for side encounters… so I emailed them all a link to this blog and told them to be real men and divorce their wives, give their wives a chance to find a good man that they deserve!  It was liberating and I fear that I may become addicted to it.  I am no superhero, but I really have this fantasy that ONE of those creeps will read this, see what they are doing and stop.  Is that even possible?  Is it possible to stop the ball once its gets rolling? 

The one positive of today is this:  At least my husband didn’t go looking for skanks on freakin’ craigslist.  Gross.

Later in the afternoon, I received a response from one of the Craigslist cheaters… his ad, titled “Married? Lonely? Need more attention? Me too” stated that he is married to a great woman, but the marriage lacks passion.  He wants someone to want to be sexy for him, to want him and give him the attention he is lacking.  So I emailed him:

“If your wife is so great, then why would you do this to her? Wondering what you might be doing to her? Read my blog http://daysafteraffair.blogspot.com/ to find out how you will destroy her, make her feel worthless and horrible and ruin her ability to trust another human being.

Missing passion? Go on a fucking vacation. Treat her right. Take the time you spend looking for side relationships on Craigslist and show her passion... its a two way street. If that doesnt work, then be a man and divorce her so she can find the man she deserves.”

His response:

"Don't be coming at me all high and mighty with all the answers...you have no idea whats going on...just because you have to whine about your inability to deal and enjoy publicly airing your drama for attention doesn't mean every other female in the world will go on a waaa fest after finding out....

Plus you have a pottymouth...

My wife has no sex drive, it ain't me, never has been. Even if it is me, the situation is what it is..men have needs... You don't treat him right, he strays...looks like you know that first hand...

She is treated right every day, its hormonal - I can throw all the passion in the world her way and she has 0 response, so I AM doing what is right, treating her and the family great and looking for a little help with one basic piece of my nature that is in no way material enough to divorce her for.....

Maybe if you could quit blogging all day and airing your dirty laundry, you could quit focusing on your bullshit and get back to a normal life..."

Well, I couldn’t let that go, so I responded with:

"A little defensive arent we? Well, good luck with your great wife. I hope your children can cope with their relationship issues differently than their father. Do you want your daughter (if you have one, which I hope you dont) to marry a man like you?

As for my whining waaaa fest... go ahead, have your affairs and when your wife finds out, WHEN she finds out, I can guarantee you that she too will find an outlet she enjoys to get through all the heartache you have put her through. My blog is harmless, annonymous and my way of coping with a situation that I did not ask for nor did I do anything to deserve.

You have a lot of room to talk about being public about drama... arent you the one who posted an ad on craigslist for sex, whining about your lack of passion? I'm just sayin'..."

And, lastly, he said:

"Not defensive at all...just don't need to hear any bullshit from some blogger lady...and I'm not whining about a lack of passion, I'm hunting for a supplement...

Speaking of, send some pics, you sound like you could use some good sex, maybe we can work something out :)"

That’s when I decided to call it quits.  No need to continue this conversation any further, but I now know that there are worse husbands to have than mine.

He came home and went straight to the kids, ignored me.  I felt completely nuts about it, so after we put the kids to bed I confronted him about it.  He assured me that he is in “work mode” and really missed the kids today, but was only thinking about work and not anything else.  He even went as far as to forego his plans of working from home tonight to cuddle with me on the couch and never once complained that he would have to leave extra early for work tomorrow to finish what he couldn’t tonight. 

Day Sixty Seven

Went to church this evening and, as usual, my head starting filling with all sorts of questions while the pastor was speaking.  For some reason, I feel powerful, able and confident in church.  The thoughts that cross my mind are always ones where I am in charge, I make the decisions, I call the shots.  They are usually ones that revolve around him leaving and me turning out just fine.  The thoughts are always about me deserving to be with one of these godly men among us, instead of this unholy, selfish, disgusting man.  I want to be with someone who LOVES me.  I just don’t always believe that he does.

After church, we have made it a ritual to find a quiet place to talk during the music worship, before we have to get the kids.  Today I asked him “Do you think there is anyone out there that you could love more than you love me?” To this he answered no.  So I asked “Is there anyone you could ever love just as much as me?”  He answered shortly, no. Then silence.  Then he started an entirely new conversation topic.  I couldn’t even look him in the eye, and he knew he had steer back.  So he did, he asked what brought those questions on and I answered, tears running down my face.  “Don’t you ever think we are wasting our time?  Don’t you want to find someone you love enough to not do this to?  You say I am the love of your life, yet you have never cheated on anyone before, so have you loved those women more than me?  I don’t know what you are going through because you don’t talk to me.  I don’t know if you are able to pretend that nothing happened and move on, because if you are tehn you obviously don’t understand how wrong you were in this.”  And so on… Then, the congregation was dismissed, he sat quietly, blankly (his usual confronted way) and I said “lets go get the kids, you obviously have nothing to say.” And that was it.  Nothing.  The rest of the evening was spent hardly recognizing eachothers existence.  We took the kids to get ice cream and had a great time as a family, but something was definitely lacking between us.  Here I go again, feeling like I am damaging our relationship with my big mouth questions, feeling at fault for bringing it up and worried that I am just driving him back into her arms for more comfort or whatever that little slut gave him. 

Bedtime arrived and I found myself lying next to this man who cant even tell me how sorry he is, or how much he loves me.  I cried a little more, and he reached out and held me.  He said he doesnt know what to do, that he IS sorry that he DOES love me but thinks he is showing it rather than saying it.  It all makes me wonder if my expectations of what remorse looks like are just a little too high.  I dont know what to do either. 

Day Sixty Six

A little hungover today, but feeling rather well.  Ran some errands with the kids and feeling less doomed.  I emailed him pictures of the concert and he responded saying the ones of the two of us were great and he reiterated that he had a great time last night. 

My body cant handle rock star partying anymore, but my hangover did bring me a little relief from the feeling of impending doom.  Maybe its not as bad as I thought.  I feel so crazy.  Somedays it just feels like the mountain is too steep to climb and other days I feel like we are doing remarkably well and we will get through this.  I read yesterdays post and am now thinking that maybe it was the alcohol and fun that made me so fatalistic about the outcome of this... but why does alcohol and FUN make me think this way?  The more we get along the more I think about the horrible lies and deceit and it makes me want to have a good time with someone who would never want to cause me this pain.  I have to realize that he didnt WANT the pain for me... he was only thinking of himself.  Our therapist told him he has commitment issues, but will those ever go away?  Is he worth all of this?  Can he ever be what I need?

I am too tired to think about this anymore.  I just need a vacation from him and this life he has built for me.  I am so tired of feeling so confused all the time.

Day Sixty Five

I met him at his work tonight for a date night to a favorite concert of ours.  We walked around his building gathering things we were borrowing for the concert, the whole time I was wondering where they had sex, if we were walking near places where they had done it.  I felt disgusting, but I powered through it.  I was not going to let this ruin my night.  I was paying a very expensive babysitter, I looked HOT and was ready for a good time!

At the concert we had a blast, made out like teenagers, made fun of people and truly enjoyed each others company.  We rocked out!  We took pictures, drank beer and ate nachos.  A perfect evening, except for the whole affair thing hanging over our heads like a dark, wet cloud that was about to rain thunder and lightening all over our lives.  I am trying so hard to be positive but something in me tells me that we are nearing the end.  I cant help it.  Its there, even though I don’t want it to be.  I push it out of my head all day everyday, but it comes back stronger, more vivid.  I cant imagine living my entire life with someone who could do this to me... to our family.  I am trying so hard to make it through this, but I fear that I am just not strong enough.

Day Sixty Four

On our mini-vacation and decided to do it all in Houston!  Went to the Childrens Museum AND the zoo and had a GREAT time until we were at the zoo and I saw a childless couple walking around holding hands and loving on eachother.  I instantly thought of the two of them at the zoo in St Louis.  He took her there, to something that we have always done together.  We have visited 13 zoos in the country and our goal is to always go whenever on a vacation.  He ruined that.   I couldn’t snap out of it, crying in front of my kids and the giraffes.  I composed myself the best I could and wandered around, wanting to punch him.  He comforted me constantly, apologized for ruining zoo trips and promised to make it better.  He even suggested us finding something else that only the two of us shared… the only problem is that in their brief two month long relationship, they shared so much that I don’t even know about and cant stand the thought of finding out about.  Can I ever go to the stupid zoo again without feeling betrayed?  Is there any spot on this earth that I wont feel betrayed?

Day Sixty Three

Left for Houston today, had a great 4 hour road trip with the family and an even better dinner out.  I surprised him with a cooler of beer, snacks and a game to play to entertain ourselves while the kids slept in the bedroom at the hotel and he was very touched.  Tomorrow is a new day in a new city… I can do this.  I can be with him and love him and we can get through this.  He proved a lot to me this week with his openness about the party and his email communication with her. 

I am feeling positive and able to reconcile today as we end day one of this little trip... I love that there are no memories of her and him and their filthy little romance anywhere in this city.  Houston is going to be all about OUR memories together, nothing to do with the skank.  I am looking forward to tomorrow and, strangely, to the rest of our lives.  Maybe we do need to move out of Dallas and start fresh in a city that has nothing to do with the affair?  Just being in a new place for half of a day has changed my entire outlook! 

Day Sixty Two

Well, it was confirmed that she WAS at last nights going away party.  He admitted that, while everyone had a good time and he missed out on that, he was REALLY glad he didn’t go.  He said he doesn’t want to see her.  I am slowly starting to believe that, however she did change her facebook profile to private in the last day or so, which is VERY suspicious to me since I had just told my husband that I was able to view it two days ago.  Are they still talking?  This cant be a coincidence.  I don’t believe in coincidences anymore.

He left work early to celebrate a huge milestone in our four year olds life.  We went to her favorite restaurant/playplace and had a great time as a family.   Unfortunately the kids took so much of his attention that we spent very little time together and by the time they went to bed we were both exhausted.  I brought up her having changed her profile to private and he was irritated with me, but tried really hard to hide it.  We are leaving to Houston to spend a few days tomorrow and I don’t want to ruin that so I dropped it. 

I hope he is not still talking to her.