Six and a half months out

I cannot believe that its been 6 1/2 months since my heart was so brutally ripped out of my chest and violently stomped on... what a whirlwind.  Strangely, I don't think of the affair as often as I thought would at this point and my marriage has improved in certain areas.  We communicate better and are more honest with one another, our sex life is perfect, we enjoy each others company more and we make more efforts to remove the kids from our lives for short periods of time. I would have liked it if this improvement was brought on after a less traumatizing event, but if there is anything I have learned from all of this is that I cant live in the "what if"'s of life and I certainly cant continue to wish that things hadn't happened.  Had it not been for my LAST failed marriage, I may not have ever met my husband or had my children.  I am not so delusional that I am searching for a silver lining here, I am just realistic about our lives being mapped out by something greater than us and I am trying to roll with it the best I can.

My current situation is much less tumultuous.  The fighting and anger have subsided a lot and I am starting to feel that I can actually live a normal life.  I would have never thought I would be able to get to this point and I honestly didn't expect it to ever occur, but its almost here. I really thought that I would go through the motions of giving it a year and I would wind up walking away, but I am more certain that we can get through this together. I am still deathly afraid sometimes that he is still with her and I have a massive amount of anger towards her (I even posted a nasty anonymous comment about her yogurt stands sweet tea pickles at the Texas State Fair this year and sent a group of drunken girlfriends to her yogurt shop at Grapevine's Grapefest this year).  This, too, is slowly fading.  I still struggle with my appetite and smoking (a habit I happily quit when I was pregnant with my oldest 5 years ago and picked up again when my husband cheated), but that too is improving.  I haven't lost anymore weight, but am struggling to gain the few pounds I need to be healthy. 107 pounds at 5'5" looks much more sickly than I imagined it would!  I left my work at home job and got a part time position at a local playcare facility so I don't have to leave my kids but still bring in money (part of which I am hiding in case this does all go south).  Working outside my house has been a relief... it fills my days so I don't get stuck in my head so much and it gives me a sense of worth that I had been lacking.  I had never planned to be a stay home mom and I really think it changed me.  I needed to get back the working part of myself without compromising the precious time I have with my kids, especially with my daughter starting kindergarten next year.  My husband has seen a change in me as well, which has made this all easier on him.  I KNOW, it shouldn't be easy for him at all... but it has to get easier for everyone or we will never move past this.  He no longer feels like he ruined me, and that's important no matter what happens next.

He is a different story.  One night we went out for drinks for my birthday and the you-know-what hit the proverbial fan.  I really thought he was leaving.  He said he still didn't love me the way I deserve and was struggling with the feelings he was having.  He couldn't even bring himself to write me a card for my birthday, knowing how important that is to me.  I simply informed him that he loves me more than he thinks he does.  That sounds like a scene out of a B rated stalker film, but its true.  His dad died when he was 10 and his mother never attempted to remarry or date or anything... thus leaving a boy to never know what a real relationship looks like.  He thinks its butterflies and roses all the time.  Its not.  I come from a broken divorced home but still managed to spend a considerable amount of time with friends families to see what happens when love and life and kids collide to bring about an amazing friendship that can conquer anything thrown at it and still is attractive when naked, even after two kids.  THAT'S my idea of true love.  My best friend, my co-parent, my confidant and my lover... all rolled into one aging, adorable man who needs me as much as I need him.  He doesn't even know what he has and I am making it my mission to show him how great we can be together, even on the heels of HIS affair.  I deserve a fucking medal for this.  I am putting my own drama aside (which is much more selfish than it sounds) and focusing on him realizing how much he truly does love me.

Please don't stop reading my blog once you read that last statement.  I know it sounds ridiculous... I happen to be a very intelligent woman who loves her family more than anything and I have this weird little feeling in my gut that tells me that there is more to this relationship and I feel strongly about wanting to try to show him what love is.  I realize that I might very well be completely and totally unsuccessful in this, but its worth a shot.  I am at a point now that I KNOW I will be okay, no matter what.  I have seen a support system in my life that I never knew existed and I feel empowered... I know I can do this without him, but I am choosing to do this with him.  This is a choice and I reserve the right to change my mind and kick his ass to the curb if the need arises.

Since my birthday/epiphany things have been pretty great.  I stopped asking why he didn't kiss me as soon as he walked in the door, I stopped saying I love you all the time (realizing that I only said it to hear him reciprocate), I stopped bombarding him with my crazy as soon as it reared its ugly head and I started living my life for me and it has changed him too.  He is starting to see me as the capable, successful woman I was when we first met.  I feel powerful and amazing.   I want nothing more than to live my life with him, but I am going to be totally okay if he bails.

A letter to him...

This morning I started thinking, again, of all the things that have made me sad, angry, hurt, etc and started drafting a letter to him.  I dont know that I will ever give it to him, as I am afraid its too mean to be anything that could help our broken little marriage.  If our marriage ends, then he may get it... we will have to see.

"Because of you I feel anger more than ever.  Whether it be in flashes of hatred towards her, moments of anger towards you or long lasting periods where everything pisses me off, I have never been filled with so much of it.  Because of you, I have had brief moments where I resent my kids a little... without them I would have walked away months ago and not dealt with the shit you have handed me.  Because of you I feel unsatisfied with myself and the person I am becoming.  As a young girl, I dreamed of a wonderful, fulfilled life overflowing with love and successes... success not so much in the career or monetary sense, but in the small accomplishments that shape our lives.  Now, I am living a life I should not be living, I have become a person I never should have been, am settling for a man who doesnt even know if he can ever me or anyone else, and feel completely unsuccessful with most everything in my life.  Because of you I left my friends and family several states away so you could spend more time with our family.  You chose to spend that time with someone else and I am stuck in a place I loathe, in a house I dont want and a city that doesnt contain all of the caring, wonderful people that await me back home.  Because of you I have lost myself.  I dont even know who I am and cannot control my crazy.  Because of you I have spent less time with our children and more time on the internet trying to track your every move, obsessing over cell phone records and credit card receipts to make sure you are not still in a relationship with Cassie the Yogurt Whore.  Because of you I am embarrassed of my life.  I have not shared the details of your disgusting series of acts with many that are close to me because I am so embarrassed that I have allowed you to stay in my life and cannot imagine being able to stand on my own two feet without you.  Because of you I feel weak.  I should be able to handle my life without you in it, but your lies have forced me to question everything I have ever felt about myself and my ability to live this life without you.  Because of you I feel like I am letting our beautiful daughter down by allowing her to see me staying in a relationship that only hurts me.  Because of you I am sick.  I can no longer eat enough to maintain a healthy body weight, using food as the only thing I can control in my life since you have showed me that I cannot control much else. I only eat when you are around, because when you arent my thoughts take over and my appetite ceases.  I dont want food anymore.  I only want the horrible overcaffeinated, jittery feeling in my stomach that I have grown used to.   Because of you, I only feel comforted when you are home, but not comforted enough.  The only comfort I find is that you are not with her.  Because of you I am ashamed and almost glad that my father is not alive to see the person I have become. 

Why did I let you do this?  Why am I allowing you to make me feel so worthless and weak and out of control? "

Day 101 - whatever...

I have finally stopped counting the days and writing regularly.  I cant bring myself to constantly post the same feelings and experiences, as it all is starting to resemble a cycle of some sort… good day, okay day, bad day, so on and so forth.  My pain is still here, although it disappears for longer periods of time these days and my crazy has subsided as well.  It’s not gone, but it seems as though I mostly repeat old crazies, which doesn’t compel me to write nearly as much.  

I am 99% confident that he no longer has contact with Cassie the Yogurt Whore, but there is still that part of me that sometimes doubts every move he makes.  I found her address, google searched it and, unfortunately, now have a vivid picture of their little love nest that is a mere 11 minutes from his office.  I wish I didn’t know that, I wish I hadn’t seen her house on Zillow and looked at pictures of her bedroom and bathroom and all the places they potentially had sex or made plans for their future. 

I had a new level of heart break recently when a truthful conversation between the two of us revealed that he doesn’t know how to love or receive love... even from me.  He doesn’t know if he will ever love anyone (besides our children) the way he should or they deserve.  At least that means he didnt love her either, right?  He is in counseling but this revelation… that the man that I vowed to spend the rest of my life with, is afraid to both love me and receive the love that I love to give him, and have worked so hard to rebuild these past several months... broke my heart.  To this, words cannot express my pain nor is there anyway to fully describe the conversation to not make him out to be a douche bag.  All I know now is that there is so much more work to be done, and that work may not be fruitful.  I may still end up living a life without him in it because I refuse to not be loved the way I deserve.  I asked him once, after I was suspicious over a post of hers on Facebook that brought on an unpleasant, frustrating argument, how he expected me to be confident that he is not still with her when he cant even tell me that he really, truly loves me OR feels the love that I give him?  He was speechless for a moment then simply said “youre right.”  He hadn’t taken the time to see this all through my eyes yet, and that question opened those eyes to what I was going through.   Counseling for him has been good, but he recently realized that maybe its time to focus on US.  I don’t know what that will bring, as his hectic work schedule has once again disrupted our lives, but it’s a start.  I hope to be in couples counseling by the end of the month, but the caring, accommodating mom in me wants to be sure HE is ready for it.  I want to know that HE wants it and is opened to it and I, being somewhat of a doormat, don’t want to inconvenience him with my counseling needs.  I realize that is nuts!  I cant continue to allow him and his issues to dictate my life, but its all easier said than done.  I hope that counseling will bring some sort of change to that part of my personality.  I am tired of living my life for him, but I did that to myself.  He did the rest, though, don’t get me wrong.

For now, I write when I have a new revelation or when I can put into different words the experiences or emotions I am having.  Things aren’t really that bad around here, considering.  I have been working from home, giving my life a bit more meaning (and less free time to think about this horrible thing he did to our family).  We have spent a lot of time as a family, have made extra efforts to have alone time and quality date nights and have actually gone a few days without my bringing up the affair.  Its all a start, but with so many underlying issues I don’t know if its enough.  I do know that, for the time being, I am still committed to making this work.  I know that I am amazing and that he has no reason, except fear, to not love me.  I am hopeful that this fear will disappear and he will realize the great woman that stands before him, loving him with everything in her and he will love her with ALL of his stupid, foolish heart.

Here’s to hoping!

Days Ninety Two-One Hundred

Well, this past week has been quite the whirlwind... not in terms of the affair, but in life in general.  I finally got my laptop back (it was being repaired) and instead of retyping all of my entries that I have hand written everday (I dont know if I have the time with two kids to care for and a house to keep up!), I thought I would give a brief description of the past week in one post. 

On day ninety two, my mother in law came to stay with us for the first time since her visit just one day after my second D Day... it was so hard to have her here as her presence brought back so many emotions from those first few weeks.  She was here the day I left for my solo visit to Washington after I discovered that my husband was still talking to the yogurt whore two weeks after I found out about the affair.  She came to my house and saw it in complete disaray (which is rare for me!).  She heard my four year old tell her that mommy told daddy to get out of the house.  Her son told her he cheated while I was in Washington trying to figure out what to do.  All of this flooded my brain as I picked her up that afternoon.  As her visit went on, I faded in and out of silence, just trying to get through it.  I had moments of sadness that I had to hide, for fear of telling her all of the things I was sure she didnt know... he introduced her grandchildren to his slutty girlfriend, he gave up precious time with them to be with her, he broke my heart so much that I have only recently been able to get back to keeping up the house and spending quality time with my children (which is all very important to her, as she was a stay home mom herself).  We tried to stay busy and I tried to keep a smile on my face, but the comments about my weight and appetite kept flying out of her mouth, constantly reminding me why I cant eat and why I look so frail.  She meant well, but slowly ate away at me for the seven days that she was here.  My husband took some time off work to spend with us and that brought me some comfort, but as soon as he returned to work yesterday I felt it all again and she kept on with her comments.  "Youre so thin."  "Are you sure you dont want to eat some more?" "Are you losing weight on purpose?" Ugh.

The best part of her visit was the overnight date my husband and I had this past weekend.  He planned it all out... dinner at a great restaurant then a comedy show followed by a hotel stay at a nice, hip hotel downtown and finished off with a wonderful breakfast the next morning.  We had a blast!  Dinner was filled with great food and even greater conversation, the comedy show was hilarious and the drinks we had after were fun and flirty, making for quite the amazing night in the hotel, where we stayed up late in the throws of passion.  We awoke the next morning with even more passion, a shower and a nice breakfast... just the two of us.  Its been over two years since we have done anything like that and it was almost magical, had it not been for the horrible images of his passionate hotel nights with her.  I feel like this will never go away. 

My mother in law left this morning, leaving me to take a deep breath and feel all of the emotions I hid while she was here.  I cried as the car pulled away, finally able to really let this all out.  I am still in such shock that this is all happening to me.  That he did this to me.  To us.  Hiding it has been so difficult, mainly because I wanted her to see what her son did to me, but I also didnt want to relive it.  I didnt want to drag any other innocent parties into this mess. While her and my husband were alone running errands one afternoon, she asked him how everything was going between us.  He was honest and said that we still had a long road ahead of us and she said "well, she seems to be doing great, but I see it in her eyes that she is hurt."  So true.  She also said that she was nervous about her trip as well and has been pleased that we both pretended like it never happened.  That pissed me off, for some reason, so I casually brought it up a few times.  Once I referenced my sisters last trip here, stating that "everything was such a disaster here, she wasnt able to fully enjoy her visit" and "she was ready to move here to help me since I was planning on leaving your son."  Then, I mentioned that moving wasnt in the cards of us, "unless it didnt work out between us."  I also told her that I wasnt going to move for him again, as I had done it so many times before and "we both know how he decided to treat me." 

Was it a little much?  Probably.  But, I just couldnt let her go home without knowing that I wasnt going to always pretend like this didnt happen.  This is part of my life now, and I know its not her fault but I want her to know that (1) if we dont make it through this, its becuase of what he did and I tried to get past it and (2) if we do make it through this, how strong I am and how much pain I had to overcome. 

Now, she is gone and I hope to get back to the place I was before she arrived.  I was getting stronger, feeling more in control of myself and ready to work it out with him.  I hope that the flood of memories did not set me back... I need forward movement.  I need hope for the future.

Day Ninety One

Managed to crawl out of bed on my own today and made it to church... of course we were late so we were seated in the middle of a crowded aisle and behind the tallest person in Texas.  Attempting to move my neck to see the pastor was incredibly painful, but I kept doing it, I couldnt help it. 

Todays sermon was about praying, the power of prayer and the fact that we basically need to annoy God with our incessant praying to get what He thinks we need out of it.  The visiting pastor talked a lot about Gods plan for us and about how, when our prayers arent answered, there is a reason for that and only God knows that reason.  I cant help but think about God putting me in this position AGAIN and what positive outcome I am supposed to experience from having my heart blown to a million tiny pieces. Whatever it is, I am closer and closer to surrendering my whole life to Him to get the answers.  Today was the first day I didnt cry in church, instead I left very determined to annoy Him with my prayers so that I can finally be heard and he will finally bring me some peace.  Throughout all of this affair nonsense, I havent had a moment of peace.   

Day Ninety

My saturday was spent on the couch, in pain, nursing a pinched nerve in my neck that cascaded down my spine and made my fingertips tingle.  Terrible.  I havent felt like this since I was rear ended 10 years ago... and all I did was do the hokey pokey at the library yesterday! 

When I woke up I was unable to get out of bed without help.  He was so good, lifted me so gently and winced at my groans of pain.  He insisted on taking the kids to his brothers for the day so I could be alone with my bum shoulder and pain.  It worked.  I sat all day, did nothing productive and wallowed in my dirty house (he is a good nurse, not a good maid).  I didnt even care about the messy house... I just felt the horrible pain and watched tons of Bravo, TLC and Lifetime reruns all day.  I got all caught up on Project Runway and Millionare Matchmaker!

He came home that night with tons of food from the restaurant he took the kids to for dinner and even yummy desserts.  Again, he was sweet and gentle, insisting on doing everything and not seeming bitter at all that his weekend was spent caring for me. 

Day Eighty Nine

I thought I would be the first on up today, since he had his wild boys night last night, but he shocked me by getting up to work out at his usual time.  I guess he really was telling the truth when he said he didnt "really drink much at all."  A good start to the day.

We had a wild afternoon planned at the local library, where there was a summer dance party taking place!  The kids and I had a blast, until I pulled something in my shoulder that rendered me useless the rest of the day... I hurried home and put the kids down for naps then called him to come home.  It was the first time I had ever had to call him to my aide, and he dropped everything and got home as quickly as he could.  I have had stomach flus, been pregnant and all sorts of other ailments and have never needed him to leave work, so he knew it was serious.  By the time he got home, the kids had just woken up from their naps and were ready adn rarin to go!  Of course, we were out of everything in the fridge and had nothing for dinner (the plan was to hit the grocery store on the way home from the library today), so he wrangled the kids and headed to the store while I lay on the couch, alternating heat and ice and in excruciating pain.  He was so good to me tonight, very attentive, got my favorite ice cream and even picked up a movie for us to watch.  He took care of everythign adn wouldnt allow me to lift a finger.  I felt cared for and love.  In all that time laying by myself on the couch, I didnt think about the affair once.  He cared for me so well that it never even crossed my mind.