Day Sixty Six

A little hungover today, but feeling rather well.  Ran some errands with the kids and feeling less doomed.  I emailed him pictures of the concert and he responded saying the ones of the two of us were great and he reiterated that he had a great time last night. 

My body cant handle rock star partying anymore, but my hangover did bring me a little relief from the feeling of impending doom.  Maybe its not as bad as I thought.  I feel so crazy.  Somedays it just feels like the mountain is too steep to climb and other days I feel like we are doing remarkably well and we will get through this.  I read yesterdays post and am now thinking that maybe it was the alcohol and fun that made me so fatalistic about the outcome of this... but why does alcohol and FUN make me think this way?  The more we get along the more I think about the horrible lies and deceit and it makes me want to have a good time with someone who would never want to cause me this pain.  I have to realize that he didnt WANT the pain for me... he was only thinking of himself.  Our therapist told him he has commitment issues, but will those ever go away?  Is he worth all of this?  Can he ever be what I need?

I am too tired to think about this anymore.  I just need a vacation from him and this life he has built for me.  I am so tired of feeling so confused all the time.

Day Sixty Five

I met him at his work tonight for a date night to a favorite concert of ours.  We walked around his building gathering things we were borrowing for the concert, the whole time I was wondering where they had sex, if we were walking near places where they had done it.  I felt disgusting, but I powered through it.  I was not going to let this ruin my night.  I was paying a very expensive babysitter, I looked HOT and was ready for a good time!

At the concert we had a blast, made out like teenagers, made fun of people and truly enjoyed each others company.  We rocked out!  We took pictures, drank beer and ate nachos.  A perfect evening, except for the whole affair thing hanging over our heads like a dark, wet cloud that was about to rain thunder and lightening all over our lives.  I am trying so hard to be positive but something in me tells me that we are nearing the end.  I cant help it.  Its there, even though I don’t want it to be.  I push it out of my head all day everyday, but it comes back stronger, more vivid.  I cant imagine living my entire life with someone who could do this to me... to our family.  I am trying so hard to make it through this, but I fear that I am just not strong enough.

Day Sixty Four

On our mini-vacation and decided to do it all in Houston!  Went to the Childrens Museum AND the zoo and had a GREAT time until we were at the zoo and I saw a childless couple walking around holding hands and loving on eachother.  I instantly thought of the two of them at the zoo in St Louis.  He took her there, to something that we have always done together.  We have visited 13 zoos in the country and our goal is to always go whenever on a vacation.  He ruined that.   I couldn’t snap out of it, crying in front of my kids and the giraffes.  I composed myself the best I could and wandered around, wanting to punch him.  He comforted me constantly, apologized for ruining zoo trips and promised to make it better.  He even suggested us finding something else that only the two of us shared… the only problem is that in their brief two month long relationship, they shared so much that I don’t even know about and cant stand the thought of finding out about.  Can I ever go to the stupid zoo again without feeling betrayed?  Is there any spot on this earth that I wont feel betrayed?

Day Sixty Three

Left for Houston today, had a great 4 hour road trip with the family and an even better dinner out.  I surprised him with a cooler of beer, snacks and a game to play to entertain ourselves while the kids slept in the bedroom at the hotel and he was very touched.  Tomorrow is a new day in a new city… I can do this.  I can be with him and love him and we can get through this.  He proved a lot to me this week with his openness about the party and his email communication with her. 

I am feeling positive and able to reconcile today as we end day one of this little trip... I love that there are no memories of her and him and their filthy little romance anywhere in this city.  Houston is going to be all about OUR memories together, nothing to do with the skank.  I am looking forward to tomorrow and, strangely, to the rest of our lives.  Maybe we do need to move out of Dallas and start fresh in a city that has nothing to do with the affair?  Just being in a new place for half of a day has changed my entire outlook! 

Day Sixty Two

Well, it was confirmed that she WAS at last nights going away party.  He admitted that, while everyone had a good time and he missed out on that, he was REALLY glad he didn’t go.  He said he doesn’t want to see her.  I am slowly starting to believe that, however she did change her facebook profile to private in the last day or so, which is VERY suspicious to me since I had just told my husband that I was able to view it two days ago.  Are they still talking?  This cant be a coincidence.  I don’t believe in coincidences anymore.

He left work early to celebrate a huge milestone in our four year olds life.  We went to her favorite restaurant/playplace and had a great time as a family.   Unfortunately the kids took so much of his attention that we spent very little time together and by the time they went to bed we were both exhausted.  I brought up her having changed her profile to private and he was irritated with me, but tried really hard to hide it.  We are leaving to Houston to spend a few days tomorrow and I don’t want to ruin that so I dropped it. 

I hope he is not still talking to her. 

Day Sixty One

Today was a busy day for all of us… the kids and I had lots of errands to run and tons of cleaning and things to do around the house and he had a busy work day.  He was great about keeping in touch for most of the day, knowing that she was there and he needed to communicate with me the best he could.  It was somewhat of a relief, but still unnerving since she was in his building.  My long list of things to do helped me to focus on my life rather than his mistake.  It was actually a pretty nice day.

I got a call in the afternoon from my Dr that said that all of my STD test results came back negative, but I needed to return in 3 months for a second HIV test.  That was a relief!

At night, he called me several times from his office to make sure that I knew he was at work and not at the going away party.  He told me that they (his employees and coworkers) had been texting and calling him all night to come to the party and he finally told them that he was having some problems at home and needed to not be social right now, he even went as far as to tell them that the issues were due to “deceit on my part” and they finally let it go.  He came home and told me, that after hearing about all the people from his company that were at the party he was sure she was probably there and he was glad he was home with me.  I let it go at that point.  He was here with me, I didn’t care where that dirty slut was. 

Day Sixty

This is the first day of one of the big events that she will be working at his property.  I was not as nervous as I thought I would be, yet I still felt a little uncomfortable.  While doing some recon for a friends whose husband was invited to the same party as mine (the one with whom the leaving coworker has an inappropriate relationship, possibly an affair), I was searching emails and facebook and went into my crazy a little… but snapped out of it quickly!  I told myself that he wasn’t going to go to the party and believed it. 

He came home earlier than I expected from work and was attentive and loving.  Maybe he is not still seeing her after all.