Day Seventy Three

Sent him to work this morning for the last day before she will be there, at his big event, for several days.  He was responsive to text messages and called twice to see how my day was going.  He arrived home from work at about 10pm, which was expected, but he called me from his office to make sure I knew he was there and not with that skank.  Yeah, I still hate her more than anything and have raging thoughts of all of the horrible things I would say to her and do to her if I were to ever run into her.  I am not sure when that will go away, but as I type this I realize that I need to work on that before I can heal.  Not for our relationship to heal but for ME to heal. 

But, man, it feels so good to hate her sometimes and I fantasize about how I could ruin her life the way she ruined mine.  Maybe someday I will send her a link to this blog, adding her name and business name, to embarrass the shit out of her.  Yep, Cassie, your filthy act is on the internet now! 

Day Seventy Two

Enjoyed his day off, the last one before he has a big event that lasts several days… the one where he will see her. We went out to eat, played with the kids and got stuff done!  We even made homemade frozen yogurt, which is something we had been avoiding all together since the yogurt whore owns a yogurt shop... it was a lot less traumatic than I thought it would be.  I never thought that I would have to emotionally prepare myself for making frozen yogurt.

An uneventful day in terms of the affair, which is a welcome change around here.  I only thought about it a few times and was able to quickly flush it out of my head. 

Day Seventy One

Tonight was Date Night… we took the kids to playcare and went out to a new sushi restaurant.  We had a blast!  We had so much to talk about, and none of it was about the kids!  We talked about my new job, his work, and just general, enjoyable chit chat.  We shared all of the dishes we ordered and we went out for ice cream after.  When we went to pick up the kids from playcare, it didn’t end like it usually does.  We quickly put them to bed and continued with the enjoyable evening… ending in true date night fashion, both of us satisfied beyond anything we had ever experienced.

The thing I learned tonight is that I do love him and I really believe that he loves me.  How he is going to show that love in the future is a whole different story, but I felt it tonight.

Day Seventy

A day of change… I read this post on one of the many infidelity support sites that I visit and it made everything come to light for me. 

Topic by USER 1:I've been given a life sentence...

and I did no crime. I'll live with a life sentence of:
knowing I was not enough to keep H faithful.
mind movies of the two of them together.
always having reminders of H A pop up at the strangest times.
putting realizations together of why a certain thing happened and knowing it was because of the A or OW.
knowing H was having sex with OW in the afternoon and then coming home and holding me in bed or worse yet having sex with me too. 
H claims there were good times between us during A. I told him that I can't seem to have any happy memories because everything reminds me that he was having an A during those times.

We watched fireworks for the local town festival this weekend. You can see them from our house. We hadn't seen them since he was involved with A and we went to town to watch them. I triggered  because I knew that he probably was with OW the afternoon before we went to go see them. Told this to H and his answer was, "but I was there with you at that time."

Am I just hanging on to this? The sadness just won't go away.

Everything in our lives has been tainted by his A. It's like it's creeped in like a malignant cancer and spread into our lives and it can't all ever be removed. I'm not sure why I can't say to myself,"The A is over. H just feels disgust and shame when he thinks of OW or A. Our lives are rebuilding. We have the chance to be happy again." Why can't I move past this? H hurt me so badly, it's over. He's

different. Why can't I let this go?

Responses from other users:

USER2
You know I've been mulling this over for a few weeks now (we're around the same place in time from Dday I think) and I'm slowing realizing that I have to make peace with being a casualty in something my H had to learn. It wasn't about me... and your H's A wasn't about you either. Not something we did or did not do or some way we were or were not being... it feels like it would be easier if it WAS about me... because then that means there would be something I could do to make sure I was safe and it could never happen again... But, the reality is, there's no safety. And I think this is at the bottom of my struggles... maybe for you too?

I see it like this... my H had a lesson he had to learn-- he would have needed to learn that lesson to become the person God wants him to be regardless of who he was with... just so happen I'm the one

he's with while he learned it. I think we have to learn to detach ourselves from the act. It feels so personal, but it wasn't... like when your kid does something wrong, something you've been trying to keep them from doing... it feels personal, like you failed as a parent, but in reality, kids have to make mistakes to grow... adults... spouses... they aren't really any different. We all have to make mistakes/bad choices, in order to learn what is right... and other people can get hurt in the middle of that, but generally, it's not because we're trying to hurt them... it's normally cause we're trying to not feel or be hurt ourselves.

I guess another less philosophical way to put is is that our worth isn't determined by how faithful or not faithful our spouses were/are. We are not more or less lovable because of it.

USER3

I think we have to learn to detach ourselves from the act. It feels so personal, I think this is a really important point. I think you are right about the why of it...if it was because of something I did or did not do then I have control of whether it happens again and I really do not...I just have control over what I do from this point on and that has to be all of the control I need.I can think of mistakes that I made as well as him that contributed to our relationship taking a downward turn and neither of us want to make those mistakes again, but I was not responsible for his A.    

I think we just have to learn to live with that and find ways to put it out of mind quickly and hopefully they fade with time. I can go back and find her old adress on H navigation system on old phone, can go back and find credit card statements with charges from two years ago and struggle with not going to her fb page to snoop. I see the mind movies and remember the words I read in emails and heard

him say in his more foggy state and even studpid things that have come out of his mouth more recently. Selling his car is not financially practical, but I still think of her sitting in the passengers seat...I just try to overcome these things with the goal of eliminating her from my life and giving her no space in my mind at all and hopefully one day I can completely put her out with the rest of the trash I probably need to get rid of.

Do not bash yourself ...it takes time...if you are like me, this is probably the hardest thing you have ever done and has taken strength you never imagined you had...nothing will undo it...but it does not have keep you from rebuilding and being happy again....at least I hope so...

USER1 response

let me rephrase this: It shouldn't have been "knowing I was not enough to keep H faithful" It should have been: Knowing H didn't love, care, for me enough to stay faithful. It WAS his choice! That is what hurts the most. H made a CHOICE to hurt me. Maybe not in the "I'll do this and it will crush her sort of way", but come on, we, as a couple, talked enough about A's for H to know what it would do to us. H always said he was as faithful as an old dog. I'd see it in his eyes if he cheated. We'll he was a dog and I didn't see it. He lied and hid it so well.

The thing is that this isn't something H can help me get over. This is all me. There is nothing he can do to make these feelings and thoughts go away. I'm left to deal with the mess and there are times I hate him for it. My plate in life is so full and he heaped this pile of shit on me to deal with too.

I KNOW I need to put this behind me to have any kind of life. I KNOW it wasn't intentional, but it still hurts so much and I just want to get past it, but feel stuck.

MY response

I have never read a thread that has hit so close to home for me...  this is ALL so very true. I am printing it for my H to read, maybe seeing the way you all shared your feelings will help him to          understand mine. I often wonder if I need to just give up on him and find someone who isnt going to do this to me, someone who isnt tainted with this and who would never put another human being before his own children. The sad part is that I thought I had found that someone, then he did this to me. I want a life that is not filled with pain and triggers and mistrust, I want happiness and honesty and comfort. Oh, to feel comfortable again.

But, I am here... living out my "life sentence" as it has been so perfectly put. All because I loved him so much before this happened and I have always believed that love doesnt just go away, so that love that we had has got to be around here somewhere.

I read this all to him when he came home.  We talked of the affair without tears or anger for the first time.  I told him I couldn’t fill in the blanks when it comes to his emotions any longer, it seems like he understood more than ever what I needed.  Unfortunately, even with this newfound understanding of what I needed to do, I was skeptical that he would be able to deliver… but slightly optimistic at the same time.  Crazy, right? 

Day Sixty Nine

He left REALLY early this morning, but was sweet about it. He was a lot quieter than he usually is and made it a point to stop and kiss me several times.  This is what I want.  I want him to do little things like that to show me that I am the one on his mind. 

After a busy day of summer acitivities with the kids, we were all exhausted and had a low key evening at home.  When I am really tired is when I think the most.  My mind seems to overcompensate for my body and has more energy that ever.  I didn’t make anything special for dinner and ignored the fact that my kids needed a bath.  He came home just before bed and offered to put the kids down while I took a nice relaxing shower, which he offered to join me in but I declined.  I just couldn’t do it.  I didn’t want to be near him, but he sensed that and wouldn’t leave me alone.  He stayed near me, paying attention to me, until my crazy left and I allowed him to love me.  I don’t think he realized what had happened, that his attentiveness is what got me out of it.  I contemplated telling him, but he needs to figure it out on his own.  He needs to look deeper into this and make his own realizations… I am so sick of realizing things for everyone all the time.

Day Sixty Eight

Woke up alone, he was at the gym.  My daughter crawled into bed with me and went back to sleep so I was unable to really talk to him, for fear of waking her when I left the bed.  There seems to be this great distance between us, one that I put there.  How can I possibly feel guilty?!?!  I didn’t fuck someone else!  I didn’t tell someone else I loved them!  I didn’t lie, sneak around and betray my family yet I feel like I am causing all of this stress on our relationship.  WHY WONT HE TALK TO ME? He is not giving me the silent treatment or anything, but I don’t know what he is going through in this.  Does he miss her?  Does he regret choosing me?  Does he feel bad?   I am so frustrated today I cant stand it.  I went on craigslist and found all of these married men looking for side encounters… so I emailed them all a link to this blog and told them to be real men and divorce their wives, give their wives a chance to find a good man that they deserve!  It was liberating and I fear that I may become addicted to it.  I am no superhero, but I really have this fantasy that ONE of those creeps will read this, see what they are doing and stop.  Is that even possible?  Is it possible to stop the ball once its gets rolling? 

The one positive of today is this:  At least my husband didn’t go looking for skanks on freakin’ craigslist.  Gross.

Later in the afternoon, I received a response from one of the Craigslist cheaters… his ad, titled “Married? Lonely? Need more attention? Me too” stated that he is married to a great woman, but the marriage lacks passion.  He wants someone to want to be sexy for him, to want him and give him the attention he is lacking.  So I emailed him:

“If your wife is so great, then why would you do this to her? Wondering what you might be doing to her? Read my blog http://daysafteraffair.blogspot.com/ to find out how you will destroy her, make her feel worthless and horrible and ruin her ability to trust another human being.

Missing passion? Go on a fucking vacation. Treat her right. Take the time you spend looking for side relationships on Craigslist and show her passion... its a two way street. If that doesnt work, then be a man and divorce her so she can find the man she deserves.”

His response:

"Don't be coming at me all high and mighty with all the answers...you have no idea whats going on...just because you have to whine about your inability to deal and enjoy publicly airing your drama for attention doesn't mean every other female in the world will go on a waaa fest after finding out....

Plus you have a pottymouth...

My wife has no sex drive, it ain't me, never has been. Even if it is me, the situation is what it is..men have needs... You don't treat him right, he strays...looks like you know that first hand...

She is treated right every day, its hormonal - I can throw all the passion in the world her way and she has 0 response, so I AM doing what is right, treating her and the family great and looking for a little help with one basic piece of my nature that is in no way material enough to divorce her for.....

Maybe if you could quit blogging all day and airing your dirty laundry, you could quit focusing on your bullshit and get back to a normal life..."

Well, I couldn’t let that go, so I responded with:

"A little defensive arent we? Well, good luck with your great wife. I hope your children can cope with their relationship issues differently than their father. Do you want your daughter (if you have one, which I hope you dont) to marry a man like you?

As for my whining waaaa fest... go ahead, have your affairs and when your wife finds out, WHEN she finds out, I can guarantee you that she too will find an outlet she enjoys to get through all the heartache you have put her through. My blog is harmless, annonymous and my way of coping with a situation that I did not ask for nor did I do anything to deserve.

You have a lot of room to talk about being public about drama... arent you the one who posted an ad on craigslist for sex, whining about your lack of passion? I'm just sayin'..."

And, lastly, he said:

"Not defensive at all...just don't need to hear any bullshit from some blogger lady...and I'm not whining about a lack of passion, I'm hunting for a supplement...

Speaking of, send some pics, you sound like you could use some good sex, maybe we can work something out :)"

That’s when I decided to call it quits.  No need to continue this conversation any further, but I now know that there are worse husbands to have than mine.

He came home and went straight to the kids, ignored me.  I felt completely nuts about it, so after we put the kids to bed I confronted him about it.  He assured me that he is in “work mode” and really missed the kids today, but was only thinking about work and not anything else.  He even went as far as to forego his plans of working from home tonight to cuddle with me on the couch and never once complained that he would have to leave extra early for work tomorrow to finish what he couldn’t tonight. 

Day Sixty Seven

Went to church this evening and, as usual, my head starting filling with all sorts of questions while the pastor was speaking.  For some reason, I feel powerful, able and confident in church.  The thoughts that cross my mind are always ones where I am in charge, I make the decisions, I call the shots.  They are usually ones that revolve around him leaving and me turning out just fine.  The thoughts are always about me deserving to be with one of these godly men among us, instead of this unholy, selfish, disgusting man.  I want to be with someone who LOVES me.  I just don’t always believe that he does.

After church, we have made it a ritual to find a quiet place to talk during the music worship, before we have to get the kids.  Today I asked him “Do you think there is anyone out there that you could love more than you love me?” To this he answered no.  So I asked “Is there anyone you could ever love just as much as me?”  He answered shortly, no. Then silence.  Then he started an entirely new conversation topic.  I couldn’t even look him in the eye, and he knew he had steer back.  So he did, he asked what brought those questions on and I answered, tears running down my face.  “Don’t you ever think we are wasting our time?  Don’t you want to find someone you love enough to not do this to?  You say I am the love of your life, yet you have never cheated on anyone before, so have you loved those women more than me?  I don’t know what you are going through because you don’t talk to me.  I don’t know if you are able to pretend that nothing happened and move on, because if you are tehn you obviously don’t understand how wrong you were in this.”  And so on… Then, the congregation was dismissed, he sat quietly, blankly (his usual confronted way) and I said “lets go get the kids, you obviously have nothing to say.” And that was it.  Nothing.  The rest of the evening was spent hardly recognizing eachothers existence.  We took the kids to get ice cream and had a great time as a family, but something was definitely lacking between us.  Here I go again, feeling like I am damaging our relationship with my big mouth questions, feeling at fault for bringing it up and worried that I am just driving him back into her arms for more comfort or whatever that little slut gave him. 

Bedtime arrived and I found myself lying next to this man who cant even tell me how sorry he is, or how much he loves me.  I cried a little more, and he reached out and held me.  He said he doesnt know what to do, that he IS sorry that he DOES love me but thinks he is showing it rather than saying it.  It all makes me wonder if my expectations of what remorse looks like are just a little too high.  I dont know what to do either.