Day Forty Two

More lovely information today.  While perusing his personal email account, I discovered that, about three weeks into their relationship (two weeks after they had sex), she had bought him a plane ticket to come home from a business trip a day early.  I picked him up from the airport the day after, thinking he had just stepped off of a plane… instead he had just stepped out of her bed, into her car and kissed her goodbye before coming home to me.  What kind of man does this?!!?!  I then started incessantly searching for more info, but found very little.  I called him, he confessed to it and, annoyed, asked why this was all so important for me to know.  He just doesn’t get it, but can I really expect him to? 

Later that day, as though the earlier information was not enough to send me into near-hysteria, I mentioned to my kids that we would be going to Chick Fil A for a fundraiser this week.  My daughter responded with “I had fun with daddys friend and her baby boy at Chick Fil A last time.”  What the FUCK?!?!?!?!  Daddys “friend?”  I was furious.  Before calling him about it, I checked the bank account, scrolled through several months until found a charge at the Chick Fil A near her business the day after I picked him from the airport when he supposedly had just returned from a trip, not a charge at ANY of the three between our house and there.  Holy Shit.  I text him with what my daughter said and he said “There were lots of moms and kids there, that ones a little out there.”  Lie.  I texted back with my newfound bank information and he never responded.  Called me when he was on his way home and we had it out.  How dare he do this to my kids?!?!  What kind of father is he?  He claimed they only sat near eachother and there was no interaction between her and the kids, which is bullshit.  He said he never wanted the kids to be involved, but he dragged them into it! They had a fucking playdate together while I was at a volunteer meeting singing his praises for taking the kids instead of my having to deal with them at the meeting.  I called after the meeting and offered to meet him at Chick Fil A (assuming it was the one five minutes from our house) and he declined, wanted to meet me at another restaurant for lunch.  He took a while to get there and I hadn’t thought anything of it. 

Again, I am sick with images… these ones are worse.  Images of her talking to my kids, seeing him as a father, and watching them all interact.  Him playing with her son, her playing with  my kids all the while I am oblivious.  She was probably sitting there when I called, which is why he was so distant.  What did he say to her when we hung up?  “My horrible wife wants me to come home… sorry.”  Did he tell her that when he told me he loved me, it was a lie?  Sick.  Absolutely sick.

As we lay in bed, he seemed upset.  He admitted how terrible he felt that our four year old remembered that and brought it up.  He never wanted them involved, he thought it was harmless.  Harmless is not a word that can be used to describe ANY of this.

Day Forty One

Failure.  I couldn’t help it today.  I had a stupid question about the affair and it sat in my head all day, marinating in my crazy and I couldn’t help but ruin our evening with it.  It was such a stupid question that I would rather forget it and not write it down.  Why do I keep doing this to myself?  I actually read about hypnotherapy on the internet today, considering for a moment what it would be like to hypontise this shit out of my head.  I realize its not possible, but it sure feels good to think about a life where this is not always present, making me crazier. 

The day was great, though.  Our family has gotten much closer through out this, we have spent so much quality time together (and eaten so much ice cream!).We went to church, then a rare trip to the grocery store where he got to finally see what monsters our kids turn into during the painful process of stocking our home with food. After, we went to the park to enjoy the last bit of decent weather before summer starts then spent the rest of the day getting odds and ends done around the house.  It really was a beautiful Sunday, just like they are supposed to be in families who dont betray eachother and ruin everything for some rich little skank.  These thoughts are the ones that stupidly made me bring up the infamous question that sent this beatiful Sunday careening down a steep hill, on fire, into a pit of burning lava.   

The evening sucked, for lack of a better word, but at least the day was great.

Day Forty

Two days of not talking about it!  I feel like this week long goal might actually be an attainable one!  I know its only been two days, but I have made it much further than I thought I could.  I am no longer expecting myself to fail... I might actually be able to do this!

It really helped that we had a busy Saturday, doing tons of work around the house, and the kids were horribly behaved, so much of our energy was spent disciplining them. J  Thank god for my annoying kids, they made my life feel more normal today. 

We ended the day exhausted and as close to normal as we have been in 40 days.  We fell asleep early on the couch and stumbled up to bed, looking forward to tomorrow.

Day Thirty Nine

Well, today was a success!  I didn’t bring it up and, with that, I didn’t think about it as much.  Sure, I had my moments while I folded his underwear that I thought about another woman seeing these, ripping them off of his body.  I sat down to a lonely lunch and invisioned them in the throws of passion in a broom closet while I was calling or texting him and he wasnt responding.  After the kids woke up from their naps, I had a moment where I thought about the words "thanks for the amazing sex" that started this all for me, but just a little moment.  I was, for the most part, able to push all of those thoughts out of my head before they did too much damage to my day.  The day ended with a nice evening, nothing spectacular, but it felt great to not have the affair be as much a part of our relationship today. 

Day Thirty Eight

Today I decided to try to stop punishing him.  I have to.  The more I punish him, the shittier I feel and that’s not going to get either of us anywhere.  I don’t want a miserable life, I want a happy one.  The only way to achieve that is to stop with the anger and constant conversations.  My goal… one week of NOT talking about it with him.  I wont bring her or the affair up for one week.  My expectations are fairly low, but  I am going to try anyway.  I cant continue life like this, something has to change.  I cant change what he did, so I will challenge myself to change what I do.  Challenge accepted.

Day Thirty Seven

In the morning, I felt like I was hit by a truck… As I was getting ready for the day, I thought about the nights he was with her on his business trip to St Louis.  He texted me “good night, I love you” while he was with her.  Even that was a lie.  He didn’t love me, not enough to turn away from her.  Not enough to not sleep with her.  He probably told her he loved her that same night.  He claims he didn’t mean when he said it to her, but he didn’t mean it with me either. As he got ready for work this morning, I watched him dry off with a towel and thought about how she had seen him in that exact same way… nobody else was ever supposed to see him like that.  Nobody else as ever supposed to know the patterns of hair on his chest and see his body in its entirety.  Nobody else was supposed to have their hands on the parts of his body that I stared at.

As the day went on, I forced myself to be more hopeful.  I tried to look forward to our life together rather than back on this awful event.  This worked well enough, I was very productive and even had a decent lunch! 

I just want him with me all the time.  Not because I want to know where he is or what he is doing, but because I need him to comfort me in those moments of realizations.  I want him to love me all day, show me affection and make me feel great about myself.  I want him to tell me he loves me and that he doesn’t want to live without me.  I want him to tell me he’s sorry and that he regrets everything he has done. 

Day Thirty Six

Had a horrible dream last night… I dreamt that I was shopping with the two of them!  She was there, I was there and he was there.  Horrible.  They were holding hands and talking, while I was desperately trying to be noticed.  They would go off together and I was stuck looking for them, praying that they hadn’t reconnected their romance while I was gone for a few moments.  I woke up sweating at 4am and struggled to find any peace to fall back asleep in for about an hour. When I awoke at 6, he was gone.  My stomach turned and I imagined a life of never waking next to him again.  In my mind, I knew he was out running but my heart took control of that and my mind begin racing with ridiculous scenarios… had he gone to see her?  What if he never came back?  Thankfully, he returned from his run and came upstairs.  I told him about the dream, he had had a similar bad dream that I had left him so we discussed the dreams and I thought my day would get better.  It didn’t.  I couldn’t shake the feeling of the dream all day, the words in yesterdays found emails were running through my head and I thought, all day, about how for two months he preferred her.  He wanted to be with her when he was with me.  I know that he wants me now and that’s what is supposed to be important, but I cant stop thinking about how alone I felt with him for those two months and how scared I was of losing him, not knowing that I already had.  I feel stupid for not seeing the signs sooner, had I started snooping earlier I might have caught it before it became as painful as it has.  But, I also know that I WAS trying, I WAS doing everything in my power (including a very expensive order from Victoria’s Secret to spice up our romantic life) and he was already in it with her.  I think back to times when he declined my sexual advances, probably because he had already filled his days quota with her.  My stomach is turning today, all because of a stupid dream.  Is this what our relationship has become?  Is it ruined?  Will I ever be able to go an entire day without thinking about this?