Day Thirty Five

Woke up refreshed and ready to move forward with him.  After a somewhat amazing weekend, I felt reassured that he loved me, confident that we could get through this and hopeful for the future.  I went to a playdate, ran some errands and had energy!!  THEN, I stupidly snooped and found an archived conversation between them on facebook…

Her: “Hope your having a super day”

Him? “What? You hope me and Kendall had a great day together?  What does that mean?”

Her: “No.  I hope you did something to make you happy. What did you guys do?  Watch TV, sit on the couch?”

Him: “Something like that, but all I wanted to do was talk to you”

Her: “Can you get away and call me for a few minutes?” 

Her: “Hello?!?!”

Somewhere in there I must have finally grabbed his attention or complained about the computer being open OR sat close enough to him that I threatened their privacy.  Either way, it was sneaky and it just brought to light the fact that he would rather have been with her that night.  I remember that night… I remember sitting on the couch asking him to do a puzzle with me, wanting him to pay attention to me and wondering what I had done to make him not want to be near me anymore… all the while wearing a sexy nightgown with the hopes of connecting with him physically that night.  I was wearing his favorite nightgown and he was wanting to be with her.  Stomach ache, heart racing, head pounding… my usual bodily responses started up and I texted him about it, asking for him to say something amazing.  His response: “I am sorry I said that and I am sorry you found it.  I am leaving soon to be with you, I love you!”  Perfect.  Except, it doesn’t really matter… my body already responded and the words are engraved in my brain.  All I wanted to do was talk to you.  All I wanted to do was talk to you.

Day Thirty Four

Today was all about me.  He woke up at 530 just to go to the store and get me a cup of coffee, a donut, flowers and a few small gifts.  We went to church, then to a nice brunch and spent the day at my favorite place… the horse races.  I enjoyed it so much that I often forgot about the affair!  Until we drove home through the city she lives in.  Then it all came in, flooding my brain with realization after realization.  I wondered what she did today, if he thought about her as we drove past her exit off of the freeway and if she thought about him, somehow knowing he was close by.  Did she feel bad for what she did?  Was I just a road block in her plans?  I hate that her life is okay after this, that all she did was lose a guy she thought she loved for two months.  I hate her more and more everyday.  I want to tell her family, her ex-husband, her friends what she did.  How sneaky and horrible she is.    The night ended with tears and hugging and all sorts of dramatics… how can such a great day turn into this?!?!?  Will there ever be great days that don’t end in some sort of melodrama?

Day Thirty Three

In an attempt to move forward, I told my brain that I wanted nothing to do with its awful thoughts today.  I wanted peace for just one day.  We went to a fair and had a great time, he was perfect, doing everything he should.  We joked, we held hands and we had a nice time with the family.  Once we completely exhausted our kids, we went home to change and went out with close friends while the kids had a sitter.  We arrived early to the bar and had a drink together, gaining a little liquid courage to face our good friends for the first time since this all rocked my world.  They knew everything.  They arrived and we all acted like nothing happened, we slipped into the same old routine of drinking and eating and had a wonderful time.  I just wish this never happened.  We had such a great life before this, with the exception of a brief period of disconnection.  Everything could have been so amazing forever had he not done this to me.  We could have gotten through our “disconnection” just by reconnecting like we had tonight, but it couldn’t have happened with her around.  Now, I am drunk and so scared of the future.  So scared that he will do this again and so scared that I wont be able to forgive him or trust him.

Day Thirty Two

I read about Hysterical Bonding today… its when the sex after dday is amazing and you are “reclaiming” what is yours.  It scared the shit out of me.  Is that what all that great sex was about?  I thought it was about the massive amount of honesty we shared and hopes for the future. What if that part is over now, will he still love me?  Is that what brought him to realize that he loves me?  We had amazing sex the first two nights he was back from his trip… will that even continue?  I have really tried to keep up with our sex life throughout this and he has been very understanding that what he is getting from me is much more than he expected or deserves.  I don’t want a relationship built on great sex… I want to build great sex on our relationship.

I asked him about it.  I read to him what I had read about it, he disagreed. He, again, told me that he is getting much more action than he expected or deserved and that he would be fine if we ceased all sexual activity for a while, to make sure I know its not about that.  Finally, he said exactly what I needed him to say at exactly the right moment.  

Day Thirty One

Hatred day.  I am filled with so much hatred for this woman today that I cant concentrate on anything else.  What the hell was she doing??!?!!?  Why him?  Why my family?  I decided to write her a letter…

“Hopefully this is the last communication you will have with any of my family that you nearly destroyed... including MY husband.  That includes all crazy late night phone calls to OUR friends.  You are no longer welcome, not that you ever were by me, in our life.  He does not love you.  He never did.  He got "caught up" in some fantasy life where you were just a silly little insignificant being that screwed up our world.  My world.  My kids world.  You were nothing but "a mistake" (his exact words), his biggest regret in life and something he wishes never happened.  My children will hopefully never learn of this and will be brought up to respect relationships and not turn out like the two of you. Selfish, horrible people who put her own disgusting urges before the kids' well being.  As a mother one would hope that you would be a better person, the person you want your son to marry.  Let’s hope he doesn’t.  I hope he grows up not knowing how horrible you were in this.  What kind of stepmother did you think you would be to my kids?  Do you really think you are fit to influence a little girl?  I have removed myself from people solely because I thought they brought nothing positive to my kids... and they weren’t nearly as despicable as you.

You were just as much a part in this as Mike and I hope you have been honest with your husband about this... Mike seems to think that the two of you should reconcile.  I think you should, too, so you will back off my husband.  You knew we were having problems and you allowed yourself to be a part of them... the biggest part of them.  You snuck around, you betrayed me and you tried to ruin everything.  Mike is working so hard to rebuild our relationship, I only hope that you finally have a little bit of repsect for yourself and for me and my family to STAY AWAY.

I know you went to St Louis... I know about the lost receipts and the dinners and I can only imagine the dirty sex the two of you had.  I know you woke up with MY husband.  I know you had your mouth on MY husbands body.  I know you talked of vacations.  I know as much as I need to know about this and I am sick about it all the time.  He was supposed to only ever be in my body. I was never supposed to get tested for STD's again. I know Mike doesn’t like to use condoms... but I suppose you know that too, now.  I was supposed to be safe and loved and never feel like this.  Mike is paying the price for this, he is living with this everyday.  I truly believe that he loves me, hates how he hurt me and will live with that for the rest of our lives.  He has told me that being with you made him realize how much he loves me...I will not be thankful and I believe that many other less painful things could have brought him to that conclusion. How does it feel to be the one that made him realize that he loves ME?

You didn’t love him, there is no way you could.  You didn’t know him.  You knew a man who was confused, afraid and dishonest.  You knew a man who he never thought he could be.  With you he was a cheater, a liar and a filthy man who snuck around and betrayed his family.  The fact that you feel that you fell in love with a man like that is disturbing and if you hadn’t continued to sneak around (calling him from friends phones, emailing solely on his hotmail account, asking him to remove me from my own cell phone account, etc) after I found the first text message, I might feel a little sorry for you.  I don’t.  I feel hatred and pain and a constant sickness about the kind of person you are.  Its disgusting what you have done, pushing yourself on him even after I found out.  I hope you are embarrassed about your call to John, one that will be a joke to John's wife and I for years to come.  You are now just some crazy bitch who can’t take no for an answer.  Some slutty girl who tried to ruin a family that was in distress and needed help, not a whore to come in and take advantage of a man who was lost.  He is not off the hook here, don’t get me wrong.  He is just as much to blame as you, but he will work the rest of his life showing me how sorry he is and how much he regrets any involvement with you. He has shown remorse, but you... oh, you... you just get off with a little hand slap.  Oh, poor little Cassie... Mike doesnt love her.  Mike fell for her money and her lifestyle, and could care less about her as a person. I want so badly to tell Brad, your mayor mom and your powerful father EVERYTHING about you.  I have tons of proof, too.  TONS.  I wont, though, because I want you to disappear... to fade into a horrible memory.  

I hope this hurts you.  I hope you feel pain, you deserve every last bit of it.  Whatever pain you might feel right now, if you have made it this far into this email, is NOTHING compared to what I have to live with.  Through this I have learned about the truest form of unconditional love, it is what I have with Mike.  You were just an unnecessary and unfortunate condition that brought us closer together, that showed us an unconditional love for each other.

I know you have to see him at the June market and I hope that you are smart enough to stay as far away from him as possible. “

I am not going to send it… yet.  I am trying so hard to show her that we don’t care about her at all, but I want her to feel the pain and embarrassment that I feel.  I want her to imagine he and I passionately making love and feel a sense of loss that she never got that with him.  I want her to cry, to not be able to eat and to be so consumed by this that she questions her ability to be a good parent.  But, for now, I will bite my tongue.  I wont tattle to her family, I will let her live with this secret.  I will let her stew in it and wonder if he ever thinks about her.  I want to go to yelp and write nasty reviews about her yogurt shop, but I won’t.  I just want her gone.  Forever.

Day Thirty

I really thought that this was going to be a terrible day… the anniversary of my original discovery day.  But, my kids and I kept busy and we had a pleasant evening as a family, dinner outside in gorgeous weather, bedtime was more fun than it had been in a while and he and I really enjoyed each others company after.  I never even realized what day it was until I sat down to write before bed.  That has got to be a step forward, right? 

Day Twenty Nine

Day two of the work week and we are nearing the one month anniversary of my discovery day (as its referred to on infidelity support websites).  I cant believe its almost been a month.   One of the worst months of my 32 years.  Please, please, please, God, tell me that this will get easier.  Tell me that the month of May will one day NOT be filled with grief and sadness. Show me strength and the ability to trust this man.  I cant stop thinking about the deleted messages from his computer last night.  I cant get this feeling out of my gut.  I cant stop perusing the internet, searching for as much information as I can get my hands on about her… I would love to get her home phone number to compare it to the phone numbers on our cell bill, but her soon to be ex husband is a police officer so that’s impossible.  I check the phone records regularly, looking for more secrets and am not satisfied when I find nothing.  I am convinced he is still lying, but I take a deep breath and try to convince myself that he couldn’t possibly be THAT bad of a person that he would continue to lie to me.  He wants to work it out.  He wants only me.  He wants only me.  He wants only me.