Day Seventy Five

Day two of corporate at work, no contact again until they left at 4pm.  He text me that he had gotten a really high score on his audit and was very excited about it!  While he text me, my crazy took over and I was searching through phone records that they said he was in Irving (where she lives) when he should have been at work.  I don’t know how accurate these records are, especially since there were times it said he was in Irving only 4 minutes after he was in Dallas, then he was supposedly back in Dallas a few minutes later.  The ones that concerned me were the ones where there was very little contact with anyone, just missed calls, for extended periods of time stating he was in Irving.  Soooo… in my crazy, I texted him asking if he was still seeing her.  Then sent another begging him to be honest, that I could handle it.  This, of course, got me a phone call and he seemed really shocked, but asked where I got that info.  My biggest fear is not that I caught him cheating, but that I gave up a very valuable source of information that could have one day REALLY caught him.  He swore up and down that it was over, there was no contact and he would try to find me proof that he was in Dallas during those times.  He looked up sent emails, his schedule, everything he could to try to prove it to me.  What really sucks is that all of those emails could have been sent from his laptop anywhere and just because there is a meeting on his schedule, doesn’t mean there actually was.  I have to make the decision to believe him. 

I actually apologized to him for bombarding him with it during this big event and right after such good news.  I realized, even in the midst of my crazy, that I needed to be there for him if I want him there for me.  It’s a two way street… even if he cheated.  I made the decision to work it out and I need to make more attempts to accomplish that, or its never going to work.

Day Seventy Four

He had corporate at work all day to do an annual review of the way he operates large events.  We had little to no contact all day and it killed me.  In my sane mind, I knew he was working very hard and was unable to text while walking the company big wigs through the huge event, but my crazy mind took over several times throughout the day.  I text him at one point and asked if he had seen her, he said he had seen her twice, both times while with his boss and only spoke to her to ask her to turn her yogurt machine on. It didn’t help that, for the last two nights, we hadnt even slept in the same room because I was sleeping with our 4 year old because she was having sleep issues and was exhausting everyone by being up all night.  I knew how important lots of sleep was for him, so I took one for the team and crawled into her full size bed to help EVERYONE out.  I was really missing him and it was just the beginning of five long work days for him.  I have usually been okay with his long work days during these big events because we always sleep together at night, stealing moments in the early morning while he either comes to bed or gets out of it to get ready… but not this time, I was snoring away with my daughter instead and waking up lonelier than ever.

Day Seventy Three

Sent him to work this morning for the last day before she will be there, at his big event, for several days.  He was responsive to text messages and called twice to see how my day was going.  He arrived home from work at about 10pm, which was expected, but he called me from his office to make sure I knew he was there and not with that skank.  Yeah, I still hate her more than anything and have raging thoughts of all of the horrible things I would say to her and do to her if I were to ever run into her.  I am not sure when that will go away, but as I type this I realize that I need to work on that before I can heal.  Not for our relationship to heal but for ME to heal. 

But, man, it feels so good to hate her sometimes and I fantasize about how I could ruin her life the way she ruined mine.  Maybe someday I will send her a link to this blog, adding her name and business name, to embarrass the shit out of her.  Yep, Cassie, your filthy act is on the internet now! 

Day Seventy Two

Enjoyed his day off, the last one before he has a big event that lasts several days… the one where he will see her. We went out to eat, played with the kids and got stuff done!  We even made homemade frozen yogurt, which is something we had been avoiding all together since the yogurt whore owns a yogurt shop... it was a lot less traumatic than I thought it would be.  I never thought that I would have to emotionally prepare myself for making frozen yogurt.

An uneventful day in terms of the affair, which is a welcome change around here.  I only thought about it a few times and was able to quickly flush it out of my head. 

Day Seventy One

Tonight was Date Night… we took the kids to playcare and went out to a new sushi restaurant.  We had a blast!  We had so much to talk about, and none of it was about the kids!  We talked about my new job, his work, and just general, enjoyable chit chat.  We shared all of the dishes we ordered and we went out for ice cream after.  When we went to pick up the kids from playcare, it didn’t end like it usually does.  We quickly put them to bed and continued with the enjoyable evening… ending in true date night fashion, both of us satisfied beyond anything we had ever experienced.

The thing I learned tonight is that I do love him and I really believe that he loves me.  How he is going to show that love in the future is a whole different story, but I felt it tonight.

Day Seventy

A day of change… I read this post on one of the many infidelity support sites that I visit and it made everything come to light for me. 

Topic by USER 1:I've been given a life sentence...

and I did no crime. I'll live with a life sentence of:
knowing I was not enough to keep H faithful.
mind movies of the two of them together.
always having reminders of H A pop up at the strangest times.
putting realizations together of why a certain thing happened and knowing it was because of the A or OW.
knowing H was having sex with OW in the afternoon and then coming home and holding me in bed or worse yet having sex with me too. 
H claims there were good times between us during A. I told him that I can't seem to have any happy memories because everything reminds me that he was having an A during those times.

We watched fireworks for the local town festival this weekend. You can see them from our house. We hadn't seen them since he was involved with A and we went to town to watch them. I triggered  because I knew that he probably was with OW the afternoon before we went to go see them. Told this to H and his answer was, "but I was there with you at that time."

Am I just hanging on to this? The sadness just won't go away.

Everything in our lives has been tainted by his A. It's like it's creeped in like a malignant cancer and spread into our lives and it can't all ever be removed. I'm not sure why I can't say to myself,"The A is over. H just feels disgust and shame when he thinks of OW or A. Our lives are rebuilding. We have the chance to be happy again." Why can't I move past this? H hurt me so badly, it's over. He's

different. Why can't I let this go?

Responses from other users:

USER2
You know I've been mulling this over for a few weeks now (we're around the same place in time from Dday I think) and I'm slowing realizing that I have to make peace with being a casualty in something my H had to learn. It wasn't about me... and your H's A wasn't about you either. Not something we did or did not do or some way we were or were not being... it feels like it would be easier if it WAS about me... because then that means there would be something I could do to make sure I was safe and it could never happen again... But, the reality is, there's no safety. And I think this is at the bottom of my struggles... maybe for you too?

I see it like this... my H had a lesson he had to learn-- he would have needed to learn that lesson to become the person God wants him to be regardless of who he was with... just so happen I'm the one

he's with while he learned it. I think we have to learn to detach ourselves from the act. It feels so personal, but it wasn't... like when your kid does something wrong, something you've been trying to keep them from doing... it feels personal, like you failed as a parent, but in reality, kids have to make mistakes to grow... adults... spouses... they aren't really any different. We all have to make mistakes/bad choices, in order to learn what is right... and other people can get hurt in the middle of that, but generally, it's not because we're trying to hurt them... it's normally cause we're trying to not feel or be hurt ourselves.

I guess another less philosophical way to put is is that our worth isn't determined by how faithful or not faithful our spouses were/are. We are not more or less lovable because of it.

USER3

I think we have to learn to detach ourselves from the act. It feels so personal, I think this is a really important point. I think you are right about the why of it...if it was because of something I did or did not do then I have control of whether it happens again and I really do not...I just have control over what I do from this point on and that has to be all of the control I need.I can think of mistakes that I made as well as him that contributed to our relationship taking a downward turn and neither of us want to make those mistakes again, but I was not responsible for his A.    

I think we just have to learn to live with that and find ways to put it out of mind quickly and hopefully they fade with time. I can go back and find her old adress on H navigation system on old phone, can go back and find credit card statements with charges from two years ago and struggle with not going to her fb page to snoop. I see the mind movies and remember the words I read in emails and heard

him say in his more foggy state and even studpid things that have come out of his mouth more recently. Selling his car is not financially practical, but I still think of her sitting in the passengers seat...I just try to overcome these things with the goal of eliminating her from my life and giving her no space in my mind at all and hopefully one day I can completely put her out with the rest of the trash I probably need to get rid of.

Do not bash yourself ...it takes time...if you are like me, this is probably the hardest thing you have ever done and has taken strength you never imagined you had...nothing will undo it...but it does not have keep you from rebuilding and being happy again....at least I hope so...

USER1 response

let me rephrase this: It shouldn't have been "knowing I was not enough to keep H faithful" It should have been: Knowing H didn't love, care, for me enough to stay faithful. It WAS his choice! That is what hurts the most. H made a CHOICE to hurt me. Maybe not in the "I'll do this and it will crush her sort of way", but come on, we, as a couple, talked enough about A's for H to know what it would do to us. H always said he was as faithful as an old dog. I'd see it in his eyes if he cheated. We'll he was a dog and I didn't see it. He lied and hid it so well.

The thing is that this isn't something H can help me get over. This is all me. There is nothing he can do to make these feelings and thoughts go away. I'm left to deal with the mess and there are times I hate him for it. My plate in life is so full and he heaped this pile of shit on me to deal with too.

I KNOW I need to put this behind me to have any kind of life. I KNOW it wasn't intentional, but it still hurts so much and I just want to get past it, but feel stuck.

MY response

I have never read a thread that has hit so close to home for me...  this is ALL so very true. I am printing it for my H to read, maybe seeing the way you all shared your feelings will help him to          understand mine. I often wonder if I need to just give up on him and find someone who isnt going to do this to me, someone who isnt tainted with this and who would never put another human being before his own children. The sad part is that I thought I had found that someone, then he did this to me. I want a life that is not filled with pain and triggers and mistrust, I want happiness and honesty and comfort. Oh, to feel comfortable again.

But, I am here... living out my "life sentence" as it has been so perfectly put. All because I loved him so much before this happened and I have always believed that love doesnt just go away, so that love that we had has got to be around here somewhere.

I read this all to him when he came home.  We talked of the affair without tears or anger for the first time.  I told him I couldn’t fill in the blanks when it comes to his emotions any longer, it seems like he understood more than ever what I needed.  Unfortunately, even with this newfound understanding of what I needed to do, I was skeptical that he would be able to deliver… but slightly optimistic at the same time.  Crazy, right? 

Day Sixty Nine

He left REALLY early this morning, but was sweet about it. He was a lot quieter than he usually is and made it a point to stop and kiss me several times.  This is what I want.  I want him to do little things like that to show me that I am the one on his mind. 

After a busy day of summer acitivities with the kids, we were all exhausted and had a low key evening at home.  When I am really tired is when I think the most.  My mind seems to overcompensate for my body and has more energy that ever.  I didn’t make anything special for dinner and ignored the fact that my kids needed a bath.  He came home just before bed and offered to put the kids down while I took a nice relaxing shower, which he offered to join me in but I declined.  I just couldn’t do it.  I didn’t want to be near him, but he sensed that and wouldn’t leave me alone.  He stayed near me, paying attention to me, until my crazy left and I allowed him to love me.  I don’t think he realized what had happened, that his attentiveness is what got me out of it.  I contemplated telling him, but he needs to figure it out on his own.  He needs to look deeper into this and make his own realizations… I am so sick of realizing things for everyone all the time.