Separation - Day Nineteen

Well, Thanksgiving came and went.  It was a lonely day without him.  My sister came to visit to help me figure my life out and we had a simple Thanksgiving dinner with my children... complete with lots of pie and goodies, yet none of it filled the void that his absence created.  I tried to be in good spirits for my babies, but it was difficult.  I cant believe that he is choosing this, after everything we have been through. I cant imagine how lonely he is feeling... not that I pity him, I just dont understand why he would make a decision that seems so horrible for everyone.  I feel so lost and unsure of everything in my future.

We still haven't told the kids or most of our family members.  He is not certain he wants to tell anyone just yet, which brings me a little hope that he wants to reconcile but its so hard to tell what he wants... he doesn't even know.  I am trying to not be too hopeful for a future together, but I cant help it.  I want to prepare myself for the worse, but I cant help but wish and pray for our family to be together again.  I try to imagine sharing my life with another person, but it seems so impossible.  I am so tired and anxious and sad and angry and lonely.  I just want to feel normal again.  I suppose if you truly love someone, you wouldn't put them through this shit.  Maybe he just doesn't love me.  Why cant I just believe that and move on?

Separation - Day Eight

He found an apartment, its ready this weekend and we have started discussing which pieces of furniture we purchased together to go under one roof will now be split between two.  This is all so surreal.  I still don't understand why I am the one who was so painfully betrayed yet HE is the one who cant live with the decision HE made and is leaving ME.  I am asking God for clarity on this, but haven't been able to see the answer.  He is staying at our house this week while he prepares for the move, which is tremendously uncomfortable but at least I now know that he is not with the yogurt whore... she would let him stay with her.  He came to me saying he had nowhere to sleep, so I had to oblige.  Thankfully, I work every night this week so the time spent at home together in the massive discomfort will be short and he has promised to leave for work before I wake up.  My poor kids miss their dad so much.  They are used to breakfasts with him and days off spent at home.

I have no idea what to do or how to handle this.

Separation - Day Six

As much I long to write everyday, its impossible.  These past few days have been so hard and busy and crazy and complicated... ugh.  I have been working as much as possible, trying to give my kids some sense of normalcy and trying to figure out all this crap.  By nature, I am a do-er.  I take action.  As I have gone through the last six days I can do nothing but think about ALL of the action that needs to be taken... pack the house, separate our belongings, sell the house, find a new house, save money, work more, etc, etc.  So, being the action taker that I am, I purchased plastic bins for clothing, gathered boxes, started cleaning out closets and filled my car with items to go to the Goodwill.  Boxes for him, boxes for me. This was a mistake... as I was knee deep in the proof of our life together, I couldn't help but sob as I packed away his old beach towels from the stadium he worked at years ago, his bobble head collection, DVD's and video games that he loves, and so on.  His clothes are still in our closet while he is staying at a hotel and all I want to do is rip them from their hangers and hold them close to me.  His cologne is gone and, thus, so is the smell that remains when he leaves for work in the morning.  A smell I am longing for.  My children seem unscathed thus far, but that will change as soon as they realize he may not be coming home... ever.

We have had some pleasant conversations about the kids these past few days, but that just leaves me heartbroken when its over.  During the only conversation we had about us, he admitted that this is much harder than he thought and he does miss me, but his vision is cloudy as a result of the torrential storm we have been through since his affair.  I admitted to my own wrong doings over the past six months... making him feel worthless by constantly griping about how "I do everything around here", creating more guilt in him by blaming everything wrong in my life on his stupid affair and always holding him responsible for my leaving my family and my home.  The truth to it all is that I do acknowledge my role in this.  I am not to blame, but I havent been an angel.  While he was the one who cheated, I am the one who decided to stay and work it out and I have not been making anything easy on either of us. I, admittedly, have wanted him to feel shitty about it, over and over again.  We never stood a chance with that attitude from me.  There needs to be forgiveness on both sides and I have presented a major road block in that, of course he feels shitty... that's what I was trying to achieve!!  Well, be careful what you wish for.  Now he is gone, thinks we don't need or want him and is so filled with guilt that he doesn't know if he loves me enough to get through this and continue building this life together.

This conversation was helpful, though.  I told him that he did need to leave to figure it all out because he obviously wasnt going to do it here.  I told him I was going to stop begging him to come home and stop making him feel guilty for having left.  My role now is to move forward with my children while still hoping this all turns around in the future.  I know he may not ever come home and I am starting to accept that, but I am not giving up hope.  I believe that we can be great again.  This may all fade away as time goes on and I strongly believe that I will be just fine, regardless of the outcome.  My job is giving me strength, a distraction and an independence that I desperately needed throughout all of this.  My kids have been so well behaved and awesome this week, I cant begin to express the love I have for those two.

For now, I am trying to stop with the action until I am more ready for it.  The packing and planning and cleaning is all too much for me.

Separation - Day Two

This morning it hit me like a freight train.  He is leaving.  My face is swollen from crying, my bed is lonely since he  has been sleeping in the guest room and my house feels cold and sad.  He is making arrangements to stay at our friends hotel until he finds an apartment and we attempted to work out the new budget last night.

Before he left for work this morning, I begged and pleaded with him to reconsider.  I have all these plans in my head and I don't want to change them.  Our disneyland vacation next summer, his favorite pies and meals I was going to make, the Christmas morning surprises for our children... its all fading away.  I want this to all go away, I want him here.  I want him to want to be here.  He doesn't.   He wants to be "in love" and he doesn't know what that feels like.

To give you a little history on him and his issues with being "in love," he called off a wedding to a woman years ago after they had been together for five years because he wasn't in love with her, they had to turned into good friends.  He lost his father to cancer at ten years old and his mother never remarried, so he was never exposed to the workings of a functioning relationship.  His brother is married to a woman that nobody understands or sees how he can possibly love her, so my husband doesn't believe its true love.  He doesn't understand that the spark of love ebbs and flows as life changes and will always return, if you work to make it happen.  He doesn't get that being married to your best friend is what most people dream about, not the constant butterflies in your stomach love that fades as you become real people to each other.

I don't think he is in contact with the Cassie the yogurt whore, or anyone else for that matter.  He feels as though he has disappointed his family in an unforgivable way and told me he doesn't think he will ever forgive himself for it and he doesn't think he deserves it.  If he is in contact with her, then he is truly a monster and I will pack up my kids and head back home without his permission, because we all deserve someone better than that, but I feel confident that he is NOT that man.

Today hurts.  It feels real and its happening.  I want to crawl back into my giant sad bed and cry my eyes out, but I have to work and care for my children who do not deserve any of this.  That seems to be the theme of this blog... my children do not deserve this.

Separation - Day One

Well, it finally happened.  He told me last night that he wants to separate.  He thinks I am amazing, selfless and deserving of a man who can love me more than he does.  He is incapable of the love I need, he says.  He takes me for granted, he says. He thinks that leaving will put things in perspective for him. He may realize he does love me enough or at least has a desire to get to that point, working through his issues and all while being separated.  I called him a coward, told him how selfISH he is.  Who puts their kids through shit like this?!?!

Last night, I heard many of the things I have longed to hear from him... followed by the statement I never wanted to hear... "I love you. You are my best friend.  You are an amazing mother and one of the most selfless people I know. You do everything for us and you expect nothing in return but love... and I cant give you the love you deserve."  He said he has never been "in love" with anyone and doesn't even know what it looks or feels like.  I am different than other girls, obviously, but he still feels a void in his heart... a void he knows exists because of him and not me.

I am convinced that he thinks he is going to move out, realize how sad his life is without me and the kids in it and come back with all of these amazing feelings of butterflies and roses and all things sun-shiny.  He is so wrong and only I know it.  He will leave, I will be resentful then we will fight over the complications this will create (emotionally, financially, physically) and bitterness will set in over him making me leave my home many years ago for his career and him not allowing me to return now.  We will sell our house for less than what we paid in order to get out quickly, move our kids to an apartment or small rental home and his money hungryness will go into full effect, eventually forcing me to work full time and lose the time I get to spend with my kids. I already picked up a part time job at a drop in day care center so I can spend time with my kids AND make money, along with watching a friends baby two days a week... that money will now be used to pay for his apartment. My daughter starts kindergarten next year and will have to go to bed much earlier than she does now, often waiting up for him to get off work.  With him out of the house, he will lose so much time with her.  He will change the bond he has created with both of them.  He will change them forever.  My 3 year old son may never remember a time when daddy lived at home.

This morning, during snack time, my son asked if he could eat his raisins in "daddy's chair" at the kitchen table and I almost lost my shit thinking that daddy just gave up that seat at this table.