Day Ninety One

Managed to crawl out of bed on my own today and made it to church... of course we were late so we were seated in the middle of a crowded aisle and behind the tallest person in Texas.  Attempting to move my neck to see the pastor was incredibly painful, but I kept doing it, I couldnt help it. 

Todays sermon was about praying, the power of prayer and the fact that we basically need to annoy God with our incessant praying to get what He thinks we need out of it.  The visiting pastor talked a lot about Gods plan for us and about how, when our prayers arent answered, there is a reason for that and only God knows that reason.  I cant help but think about God putting me in this position AGAIN and what positive outcome I am supposed to experience from having my heart blown to a million tiny pieces. Whatever it is, I am closer and closer to surrendering my whole life to Him to get the answers.  Today was the first day I didnt cry in church, instead I left very determined to annoy Him with my prayers so that I can finally be heard and he will finally bring me some peace.  Throughout all of this affair nonsense, I havent had a moment of peace.   

Day Ninety

My saturday was spent on the couch, in pain, nursing a pinched nerve in my neck that cascaded down my spine and made my fingertips tingle.  Terrible.  I havent felt like this since I was rear ended 10 years ago... and all I did was do the hokey pokey at the library yesterday! 

When I woke up I was unable to get out of bed without help.  He was so good, lifted me so gently and winced at my groans of pain.  He insisted on taking the kids to his brothers for the day so I could be alone with my bum shoulder and pain.  It worked.  I sat all day, did nothing productive and wallowed in my dirty house (he is a good nurse, not a good maid).  I didnt even care about the messy house... I just felt the horrible pain and watched tons of Bravo, TLC and Lifetime reruns all day.  I got all caught up on Project Runway and Millionare Matchmaker!

He came home that night with tons of food from the restaurant he took the kids to for dinner and even yummy desserts.  Again, he was sweet and gentle, insisting on doing everything and not seeming bitter at all that his weekend was spent caring for me. 

Day Eighty Nine

I thought I would be the first on up today, since he had his wild boys night last night, but he shocked me by getting up to work out at his usual time.  I guess he really was telling the truth when he said he didnt "really drink much at all."  A good start to the day.

We had a wild afternoon planned at the local library, where there was a summer dance party taking place!  The kids and I had a blast, until I pulled something in my shoulder that rendered me useless the rest of the day... I hurried home and put the kids down for naps then called him to come home.  It was the first time I had ever had to call him to my aide, and he dropped everything and got home as quickly as he could.  I have had stomach flus, been pregnant and all sorts of other ailments and have never needed him to leave work, so he knew it was serious.  By the time he got home, the kids had just woken up from their naps and were ready adn rarin to go!  Of course, we were out of everything in the fridge and had nothing for dinner (the plan was to hit the grocery store on the way home from the library today), so he wrangled the kids and headed to the store while I lay on the couch, alternating heat and ice and in excruciating pain.  He was so good to me tonight, very attentive, got my favorite ice cream and even picked up a movie for us to watch.  He took care of everythign adn wouldnt allow me to lift a finger.  I felt cared for and love.  In all that time laying by myself on the couch, I didnt think about the affair once.  He cared for me so well that it never even crossed my mind.

Day Eighty Eight

First thing this morning, he informed me that he was going to dinner with his best friend (who knows about the affair and he and his wife have been a huge support system for us) tonight.  His wife has been out of town and he wanted one boys night before she returned.  I was very okay with it, until he told me where they were going... to a Hooters style restaurant.  I was furious.  I know it seems silly, but given the circumstances and my recent low self esteem about everything about me I wanted him to actually THINK about the restaurant choice he made.  A place filled with young, hot barely dressed women?  I dont think so.  I took a moment to take a shower and reflect about how I was going to approach this without making it an attack.  At breakfast, I simply said "I am upset about the restaurant choice you made for tonight.  I feel less attractive than ever lately and knowing you will be going out gawking at other women is not helping that."  He responded with "I dont think you have anything to worry about."  I mistook that and said "you dont THINK I have anything to worry about?!?!"  I thought he was saying that he didnt think I had anything to worry about in regard to him cheating again, as though he might someday cheat again, but he didnt THINK I should worry.  He was frustrated and left the table, saying "Ugh!  Nevermind, forget it!"  I quickly realized what he was trying to say, that he didnt think I was unattractive.  I tried to tell him, to calm him down and make him realize that I mistook what he said and it upset me.  It took a few moments for him to calm down as well and he said "you are very attractive to me and I am not going to look at other women, I am going to hang out with  my best friend. We only chose this place because its new and thought it would have a fun atmosphere."   Again, he just doesnt get it.  I am not only upset about him wanting to go to this place tonight, I am also upset that it didnt even occur to him that a place like this would make me uncomfortable.  Why cant he think about these things?  

I began crying a little, trying so hard to shield it from my kids.  They were obviously concerned and my four year old yelled at him and said "Daddy, stop making Mommy so sad all the time!"  That was it, I lost it.  I rushed out of the room, told them I bumped my head and tried to compose myself.  I hate that they know what mommy being sad looks like.  I hate that they have to see this.  I hate that someday they might look back and wonder why mommy bumped her head all the time.  He dealt with the kids, who eventually came up and hugged me and kissed my head, to make my boo-boo go away.  After I settled down, he had to leave for work.  He followed me into the laundry room while the kids were watching TV and asked if he shouldnt go at all tonight and apologized for his restaurant choice making me upset.  I encouraged him to go, told him that I am not trying to ruin things and offered to stop sharing my feelings if they were going to always to start an argument.... my intentions are not to always ruin things, but to heal.  Thats it.  I am not trying to control his every move, I just want him to THINK about how his actions effect me.  He sweetly said that I am not ruining anything, that if I have a feeling about something to tell him and that he loved me more than anything.

As the day went on, I realized my crazy showed up a little this morning.  I also realized that he is not the one in constant pain over this, so he is not always thinking about the effects these "little" things can have on me.  Yes, he should be, but I sincerely believe that he is confident that this affair was the last time he intends on hurting me and he just wants to move forward, to a place where this isnt always looming.  We have had some great times recently and he has the ability to pretend like this never happened.  I dont.  I am always thinking about it.  I have even considered some sort of shock therapy to erase the horrible images and thoughts from my head. 

We had a very busy day, with an afternoon work meeting and a little shopping before I picked the kids up.  I texted him that I bought some sexy panties and that started a fun, flirtatious conversation between us.  I felt much better about the morning and even went to bed before he came home that night, for the first time since the affair changed everything.  I think that little bit of normalcy made me sleep like a rock because I didnt even wake up when the house alarm beeped to alert me that he had returned home.  I didnt wake up until he crawled into bed and wrapped his arms around me, then I went right back to sleep. 

Day Eight Seven

Today was a busy one!!!  I had work to do, had a doctors appt and had various things to take care of around the house.  My new job has kept me fairly busy, which has been a blessing and a curse.  When I get too busy now, I get really overwhelmed and in near-breakdown mode.  I usually have to call him several times for support and wind up yelling at my kids, then apologizing while frantically trying to get done what I need to get done.  I am such a mess!  Still, after eighty eight days I am a wreck!

He helped me a lot today, offered to take a few tasks off my hands and even left a little early from work to help out.  He even suggested I take the kids to playcare (which costs $11 an hour) just so I could have some quiet time to get my work done.  Luckily, they both took long naps and I was able to calm down a little and get down to business, without spending the money to take them to playcare.  The dinner I prepared was mediocre, at best, and he ate it all up, never once complaining.  He even did the dishes and suggested I take a bath while he put the kids down himself.  Of course, the bath never happened because my daughter freaked out over my not putting her to bed for two nights in a row, but the thought was there and I recognize that.  He is trying, he really is.  I just wish that was enough to erase all of this.

Day Eighty Six

The past few days I have been without a computer, writing my thoughts by hand and not able to do my usual internet stalking.  Its actually been relaxing.  I get my laptop back from the Geek Squad in a few days and, while I will enjoy having it back in my life, I am nervous about wanting to catch up on checking his email, phone records, etc.  I have been able to post to this blog from my very ancient PC that is incredibly slow, so typing in my words and waiting for it to load has taken more time away from my day than I am able to spare.  What makes me incredibly proud of myself is the fact that of all of the things I am chosing to do with my limited computer/internet abilities I am NOT choosing to disect his life.  Thats impressive.  I could be on our cell carrier or his email accounts, but instead I chose to continue to try to heal by posting on my blog.  Way to go, me!

Today was a rough one in terms of my normal life, but a good one in terms of the affair.  My kids were unusually needy, which did not allow me to marinate in all of my drama.  I had brief moments when the chaos settled that I thought about it, but my kids and the phone and the washing machine and all of the things and people that needed me today interrupted before it was too damaging.  I even managed to eat a ton today!  My weight is still low, but my appetite is slowly making its way back to what it once was.  I would like to start a normal excercise routine again soon, but my energy level is not high enough just yet and its too damn hot in Texas to really want to do it anyway.  The past few days of early workouts with my husband have been great, but left me feeling a little weak and tired.  Besides, I havent completely quit the nasty habit of smoking that reered its ugly head at me when this all began, so that was a little difficult to contend with.  The disapointment I have in myself for starting up again after over five years is getting to me, but the pain and agony of my husbands betrayal is overshadowing it.  Why does it feel so good to do something that is so horrible for my body?  Aside from my recently renewed tabacco addiction and the lack of appetite, I have always been very healthy... eating less than 10 grams of fat per meal, snacking in between meals on lots of fruit and veggies and excercising regularly.  I miss that part of me.  I miss so many parts of me that have seemed to disappear in this.  I was once a confident, self assured, energetic woman who was generally happy with her life.  Now, I am a scared, frail woman with little self esteem and a general sadness that looms over her during a majority of the day.  I miss the old me so very much and long for her to return. 

He came home from work tonight and I had to leave instantly, I needed to run a few errands that my kids did not allow me to accomplish today.  It was nice to return home to the kids in bed, dinner cleaned up and him ready to spend some time with me.  I could tell he missed me and we talked for the next hour or so until we went to bed.  No TV, no drama, just us talking about our days and having light, easy conversation.

Day Eighty Five

Sunday.  Church.  I love going, but there is something about it that makes me really emotional lately.  I wish he was one of these good faithful christian men that sit with their arms around their wives and stay true to their vows.  I wish he felt a connection with God that would have stopped this all from happening.  I wind up spending most of the service with tears slowly running down my cheeks as I try not to break down into convulsing sobs.

After the service, I performed my usual routine...  quickly excused myself to the restroom to dry my eyes and pretend as though I didnt cry during the closing songs.  I know he knows I am doing it, but I appreciate that he doesnt acknowledge it.  It doesnt always need to be acknowledge.  Sometimes I just need to suffer in silence and I am pleased that he is starting to realize how to deal with me. 

Why I am the one that has to be "dealt with?" I hate being the victim.  I didnt do anything wrong and I am suffering every day for this.  Its bullshit.

Day Eighty Four

Since he worked so late last night, we didnt wake up early to work out.  In fact, we woke up to chaos.  Our son wet his bed and our daughter had a bloody nose.  He dealt with the pee and I the crime scene in my daughters room... he rushed to get ready for work and have breakfast while I attempted to get everyone ready for the day and wash the sheets and pajamas.  In the chaos of the morning I saw teamwork between us that I hadnt seen in a long time.  It was nice.  Strangely, the pee and blood and drama set our day up to be a pretty good one.  He left for work in a chipper mood, ready to face the day... I mean, after our morning, anything seemed easy and possible! :)

I received several text messages from him and he called from work a few times throughout the day.  I could get used to this attention.  He worked late again, this time at a catering event so I was nervous all night, wondering if they were together.  He texted me a lot from the event and even sent a random picture under the guise of showing me a table centerpiece that he liked, but I know he was just proving to me where he was.  Again, he is doing all the right things.  He came home and we went straight to bed, he was exhausted.  As I lay in bed, I realized that I really missed him these past few days while he was working late.  If I can still miss him, I can get through this, right?

Day Eighty Three

Since we had so much fun yesterday morning, we decided to wake up early again and work out together.  This time, we did weights in the garage and had a nice time.  He was preoccupied with work issues and I convinced myself over and over again that it wasnt about me.  They were not still having a relationship.  Not everything is about an affair. 

Our day was a normal day, kids were crazy, we went swimming and he worked late (called often from his office and even made reference to his male coworker who was there with him, making his presence known by involving him in our speakerphone conversation.).  He is doing the right things.  I just wish he hadnt done something so wrong in the first place.

Day Eighty Two

After a great evening together, we had an even better morning.  We both woke up early to work out to a new excercise DVD we got and had a great time starting the day that way!  The kids slept in and we even got to have breakfast together. He left for work and I decided to go shopping.  We headed out early, enjoyed a little retail therapy and a nice lunch out as a reward for their decent behavior in the dressing rooms.  When he got home he instantly complimented my cute new summer dress and said "You look happy today."  Its amazing what a little shopping can do to a girls spirit! 

I thought about it a little today, but was able to flush it away quicker than the last few days.  This ebb and flow of random horrible thoughts about my husband f***ing another woman and telling her he loves her is getting ridiculous. 

The night was okay, we both had work to do so we sat on the couch like a super couple and chatted with both laptops on our laps.  It was actually nice to have a little normalcy... nothing great, nothing horrible, just normal. 

Day Eighty One

Woke up from another horrible dream... this is starting to become a frequent, and disturbing, trend. In this particular dream my daughter was playing in her first teeball game and I was trying to get a hold of him, but he was avoiding me.  I later found out that he was wither her and her son instead of at my daughters baseball game.  I know it doesnt sound that bad, but during the dream I was so angry and heartbroken that I woke up feeling like I wanted to punch him and cry at the same time. But, today, I tried to not be as angry with him for it.  What has happened since the affair is not directly his fault.  I know he had the affair and he did this, but it is now up to me to recover.  He cant recover for me. 

He was sweet in the morning, knowing I was in "a mood" and trying to snap me out of it.  I tried to keep myself busy all day, but while doing dishes or driving or any other mundain stay at home mom task, random thoughts of the affair entered my head.  While cleaning his fingernail clippings out of the bathroom sink, I thought "would she be as grossed out about this as I am?"  While putting his shoes away, I wondered if she would have picked them up every single day without any resentment.  While driving to the store, I was thinking about what kind of groceries she planned to buy him during the life they planned to have together.  I dont know how or when it happened, but I have gotten used to it taking over my brain.  Sometimes, I realize that its been a while since I thought about it and I actually start to think about it again... as though in this sick way, I missed it.  Its so bizarre whats continuing to happen... The horrible affair is becoming a part of me. 

It reminds me so much of when I lost my dad seven years ago.  The mourning, anger, heartbreak is all so similar, except my dad didnt die on purpose.  He didnt chose to die, it chose him.  Only someone who has dealt with death AND an affair could understand that sometimes the affair hurts more than the death.  I miss my dad more than anything, but I dont have a hatred towards him that I have to deal with like I have with my husband.

He came home from work in a fowl mood... an employee screwed up a huge report and he now has to take on the responsibility of fixing it while tending to his other duties.  This is crazy, but its almost like his bad mood cured mine.  I saw that he needed me, so I perked up and tried to make his evening better.  We cant both be in bad moods, so I took one for the team and showed him the love he needed.  In return, he recovered from his mood and we actually had a really great night. 

This is all so f***ing crazy!!!!

Day Eighty

Well, its been eighty days of sheer hell... and today feels like it will never end.  After the party yesterday, I am tired and feel crazy for having to beg for his attention. I woke up feeling lost and exhausted.  How am I going to get through this?  For the past eighty days I have asked myself this.  Still, no answer.

We spent a nice day together, as a family.  As a family.  Our FAMILY is stronger than ever, he is all about us and wanting to move forward so badly.  We have done so many activities these last few months and my kids have got to feel more loved than ever.  Our family is great... its just me that suffers now.  I am going to try to suffer in silence, to keep my pain and agony private so he has a chance to heal from what he has done and hopefully that will help me begin to heal.  I have never really felt that complete healing is possible for me, but this is worth a shot.  I am so tired of feeling this every single day and I dont know that anything will help that.  He cant help me now, even if we divorced there really is no help for me.  I cant get the images or the thoughts out of my head, but its time to stop forcing him to feel it all with me.  That will not get us through this.   I keep saying and feeling this, but still I punish him.  I cant seem to get it out of my head that I have to stop punishing him and I need to try to trust him.  His life is not great right now, I realize that.  I look at his phone, email, etc every day looking for proof that he is cheating still.  Just waiting to find the next piece of heart wrenching information that sends me back to eighty days ago.  He walks on egg shells around me, calling me from work regularly so I know he is at his office.  He doesnt even ask to go out for drinks of dinner with friends anymore for fear of a fight.  He regularly "talks me off the cliff" when I am feeling sad or angry, and is usually unsuccesful.  Its no wonder he doubts our ability to get through this.  I would too. 

I want so badly to pretend that this never happened.  To not have constant thoughts of the relationship they had, the love they thought they shared and the plans they probably made for their future together... the future he thought about that only included me as the recipient of part of his income and their weekend babysitter for romantic excursions.  How could he do this to me?  How could he turn me into this scared little person?  I was once so confident and energetic.  I used to be so much better than I am now.

Day Seventy Nine

Happy birthday to him.  I spent the day cleaning and preparing for friends to come over to bbq and drink and swim and have a good time… He and his brother went out for a few drinks before our friends came over and he completely ignored me once he returned home.  He was in his “host” mode which is normal, but this time it pissed me off.  I wanted him to thank me for all I had done, I wanted him to include me in all of his conversations and I wanted him to want to be as close to me as possible… I realize now that all of that was CRAZY, but at the time it slowly ate away at me, making me crazier and crazier as time went on.  Once it was time to put the kids to bed, I snapped.  Broke down, told him that he was ignoring me and being mean and, the second it all left my mouth, I realized how nuts I sounded.  Why am I on this mission to sabatoge everything? 

We actually had a pretty good night after that.  He seems to be fairly understanding of my crazy and allowed me to have it, then apologize, then go on with the night like it didn’t happen.  He was more attentive to me after that, made efforts that were unlike him and made me feel like he understood what I was going through and was not going to walk away.  That’s what I need from him and he delivered.  Good boy.

Day Seventy Eight

Today is the first of three days off for him… I am looking forward to family time, alone time and just relaxing together.  I had the lawn mowed and pool cleaned professionally this week so that we could maximize our quality time together.  I even took these days off from a little part time work from home job I took. 

Why did I take that job?  To start building my resume should I be forced to work again if this doesn’t work out.  I realize that its not really “looking forward” but I have to protect myself.  I need to add some work experience to my resume if I have to go back to full time work and I plan on saving a lot of the money I get in case I am faced with the struggles of a single mom.  I am sacrificing so much time with my kids to do this, but its necessary.  I now realize that we may not be forever, that someday I might be a single mom working to support my household and I need to be prepared.  I also need something in my life that is MINE, that only I am in control of.  I think it will be good for everyone.

Back to the day… we had a great one!!  We relaxed while the kids napped, even enjoyed a little nooner before we took a brief nap on the couch together.  He was attentive, loving and helpful around the house.  We made some final preparations for his birthday party tomorrow night, even though I haven’t really bought him anything or done what I usually do for this birthday.  Normally, the house is decorated, all of his favorite foods are prepared and gifts and meaningful cards await him… but this year, I just didn’t have it in me.  I know he doesn’t need to be punished anymore for his affair, but I just cant pull myself out of my little funk about his birthday. I just simply don’t care this year.

So, his gifts included a  from our super hero obsessed son (a gift to his bobble head obsessed daddy), some shirts and candy... nothing great or spectacular... mainly just some random last minute items picked up from Ross. 

Day Seventy Seven

The event is officially over!!  We celebrated with dinner and swimming and letting the kids stay up late!  We made it through it so far.  She was there, I freaked out and we made it to the end of it.  His successes during the event ensured his year end bonus, so the job hunt will have to be on hold until he collects his bonus… maybe in the meantime her contract will be up and she will pull her lame little yogurt cart (which does not make much money) out of his establishment and we can go on with our lives.  I want her gone.  I want to go forward!!

Day Seventy Six

An early morning text from him read “I am so glad corporate is gone, I can finally get stuff done… like text you how much I love you! J”  It made my day… well, until I started going through the phone records again. 

He was busy all day, more than he thought he would be and it brought on the crazy!  A late afternoon phone call from him sent my crazy into hyper mode and we had it out.  I told him I didn’t believe him that he wasn’t with her still and the more I started talking about my new “realizations” the crazier they sounded to me.  What am I doing?!?!?!  I am nuts and a little embarrassed about it.  I cried, whined and then, in a flash, started apologizing for my behavior.  I must have scared him a little, because when he came home he didn’t really know what to do with me and seemed rather uncomfortable around me.  I simply told him that I was embarrassed and didn’t want to discuss it any further.  He was very much okay with that and we called it a day. 

I can only imagine how crazy I must seem... I guess I should give him credit for sticking this out this long with me.  If he didnt love me, he wouldnt still be putting up with this all so well.  He takes it, just as he took the physical violence on those awful discovery days a few months ago.  He knows he did this and he wants to fix it. 

Day Seventy Five

Day two of corporate at work, no contact again until they left at 4pm.  He text me that he had gotten a really high score on his audit and was very excited about it!  While he text me, my crazy took over and I was searching through phone records that they said he was in Irving (where she lives) when he should have been at work.  I don’t know how accurate these records are, especially since there were times it said he was in Irving only 4 minutes after he was in Dallas, then he was supposedly back in Dallas a few minutes later.  The ones that concerned me were the ones where there was very little contact with anyone, just missed calls, for extended periods of time stating he was in Irving.  Soooo… in my crazy, I texted him asking if he was still seeing her.  Then sent another begging him to be honest, that I could handle it.  This, of course, got me a phone call and he seemed really shocked, but asked where I got that info.  My biggest fear is not that I caught him cheating, but that I gave up a very valuable source of information that could have one day REALLY caught him.  He swore up and down that it was over, there was no contact and he would try to find me proof that he was in Dallas during those times.  He looked up sent emails, his schedule, everything he could to try to prove it to me.  What really sucks is that all of those emails could have been sent from his laptop anywhere and just because there is a meeting on his schedule, doesn’t mean there actually was.  I have to make the decision to believe him. 

I actually apologized to him for bombarding him with it during this big event and right after such good news.  I realized, even in the midst of my crazy, that I needed to be there for him if I want him there for me.  It’s a two way street… even if he cheated.  I made the decision to work it out and I need to make more attempts to accomplish that, or its never going to work.

Day Seventy Four

He had corporate at work all day to do an annual review of the way he operates large events.  We had little to no contact all day and it killed me.  In my sane mind, I knew he was working very hard and was unable to text while walking the company big wigs through the huge event, but my crazy mind took over several times throughout the day.  I text him at one point and asked if he had seen her, he said he had seen her twice, both times while with his boss and only spoke to her to ask her to turn her yogurt machine on. It didn’t help that, for the last two nights, we hadnt even slept in the same room because I was sleeping with our 4 year old because she was having sleep issues and was exhausting everyone by being up all night.  I knew how important lots of sleep was for him, so I took one for the team and crawled into her full size bed to help EVERYONE out.  I was really missing him and it was just the beginning of five long work days for him.  I have usually been okay with his long work days during these big events because we always sleep together at night, stealing moments in the early morning while he either comes to bed or gets out of it to get ready… but not this time, I was snoring away with my daughter instead and waking up lonelier than ever.

Day Seventy Three

Sent him to work this morning for the last day before she will be there, at his big event, for several days.  He was responsive to text messages and called twice to see how my day was going.  He arrived home from work at about 10pm, which was expected, but he called me from his office to make sure I knew he was there and not with that skank.  Yeah, I still hate her more than anything and have raging thoughts of all of the horrible things I would say to her and do to her if I were to ever run into her.  I am not sure when that will go away, but as I type this I realize that I need to work on that before I can heal.  Not for our relationship to heal but for ME to heal. 

But, man, it feels so good to hate her sometimes and I fantasize about how I could ruin her life the way she ruined mine.  Maybe someday I will send her a link to this blog, adding her name and business name, to embarrass the shit out of her.  Yep, Cassie, your filthy act is on the internet now! 

Day Seventy Two

Enjoyed his day off, the last one before he has a big event that lasts several days… the one where he will see her. We went out to eat, played with the kids and got stuff done!  We even made homemade frozen yogurt, which is something we had been avoiding all together since the yogurt whore owns a yogurt shop... it was a lot less traumatic than I thought it would be.  I never thought that I would have to emotionally prepare myself for making frozen yogurt.

An uneventful day in terms of the affair, which is a welcome change around here.  I only thought about it a few times and was able to quickly flush it out of my head. 

Day Seventy One

Tonight was Date Night… we took the kids to playcare and went out to a new sushi restaurant.  We had a blast!  We had so much to talk about, and none of it was about the kids!  We talked about my new job, his work, and just general, enjoyable chit chat.  We shared all of the dishes we ordered and we went out for ice cream after.  When we went to pick up the kids from playcare, it didn’t end like it usually does.  We quickly put them to bed and continued with the enjoyable evening… ending in true date night fashion, both of us satisfied beyond anything we had ever experienced.

The thing I learned tonight is that I do love him and I really believe that he loves me.  How he is going to show that love in the future is a whole different story, but I felt it tonight.

Day Seventy

A day of change… I read this post on one of the many infidelity support sites that I visit and it made everything come to light for me. 

Topic by USER 1:I've been given a life sentence...

and I did no crime. I'll live with a life sentence of:
knowing I was not enough to keep H faithful.
mind movies of the two of them together.
always having reminders of H A pop up at the strangest times.
putting realizations together of why a certain thing happened and knowing it was because of the A or OW.
knowing H was having sex with OW in the afternoon and then coming home and holding me in bed or worse yet having sex with me too. 
H claims there were good times between us during A. I told him that I can't seem to have any happy memories because everything reminds me that he was having an A during those times.

We watched fireworks for the local town festival this weekend. You can see them from our house. We hadn't seen them since he was involved with A and we went to town to watch them. I triggered  because I knew that he probably was with OW the afternoon before we went to go see them. Told this to H and his answer was, "but I was there with you at that time."

Am I just hanging on to this? The sadness just won't go away.

Everything in our lives has been tainted by his A. It's like it's creeped in like a malignant cancer and spread into our lives and it can't all ever be removed. I'm not sure why I can't say to myself,"The A is over. H just feels disgust and shame when he thinks of OW or A. Our lives are rebuilding. We have the chance to be happy again." Why can't I move past this? H hurt me so badly, it's over. He's

different. Why can't I let this go?

Responses from other users:

USER2
You know I've been mulling this over for a few weeks now (we're around the same place in time from Dday I think) and I'm slowing realizing that I have to make peace with being a casualty in something my H had to learn. It wasn't about me... and your H's A wasn't about you either. Not something we did or did not do or some way we were or were not being... it feels like it would be easier if it WAS about me... because then that means there would be something I could do to make sure I was safe and it could never happen again... But, the reality is, there's no safety. And I think this is at the bottom of my struggles... maybe for you too?

I see it like this... my H had a lesson he had to learn-- he would have needed to learn that lesson to become the person God wants him to be regardless of who he was with... just so happen I'm the one

he's with while he learned it. I think we have to learn to detach ourselves from the act. It feels so personal, but it wasn't... like when your kid does something wrong, something you've been trying to keep them from doing... it feels personal, like you failed as a parent, but in reality, kids have to make mistakes to grow... adults... spouses... they aren't really any different. We all have to make mistakes/bad choices, in order to learn what is right... and other people can get hurt in the middle of that, but generally, it's not because we're trying to hurt them... it's normally cause we're trying to not feel or be hurt ourselves.

I guess another less philosophical way to put is is that our worth isn't determined by how faithful or not faithful our spouses were/are. We are not more or less lovable because of it.

USER3

I think we have to learn to detach ourselves from the act. It feels so personal, I think this is a really important point. I think you are right about the why of it...if it was because of something I did or did not do then I have control of whether it happens again and I really do not...I just have control over what I do from this point on and that has to be all of the control I need.I can think of mistakes that I made as well as him that contributed to our relationship taking a downward turn and neither of us want to make those mistakes again, but I was not responsible for his A.    

I think we just have to learn to live with that and find ways to put it out of mind quickly and hopefully they fade with time. I can go back and find her old adress on H navigation system on old phone, can go back and find credit card statements with charges from two years ago and struggle with not going to her fb page to snoop. I see the mind movies and remember the words I read in emails and heard

him say in his more foggy state and even studpid things that have come out of his mouth more recently. Selling his car is not financially practical, but I still think of her sitting in the passengers seat...I just try to overcome these things with the goal of eliminating her from my life and giving her no space in my mind at all and hopefully one day I can completely put her out with the rest of the trash I probably need to get rid of.

Do not bash yourself ...it takes time...if you are like me, this is probably the hardest thing you have ever done and has taken strength you never imagined you had...nothing will undo it...but it does not have keep you from rebuilding and being happy again....at least I hope so...

USER1 response

let me rephrase this: It shouldn't have been "knowing I was not enough to keep H faithful" It should have been: Knowing H didn't love, care, for me enough to stay faithful. It WAS his choice! That is what hurts the most. H made a CHOICE to hurt me. Maybe not in the "I'll do this and it will crush her sort of way", but come on, we, as a couple, talked enough about A's for H to know what it would do to us. H always said he was as faithful as an old dog. I'd see it in his eyes if he cheated. We'll he was a dog and I didn't see it. He lied and hid it so well.

The thing is that this isn't something H can help me get over. This is all me. There is nothing he can do to make these feelings and thoughts go away. I'm left to deal with the mess and there are times I hate him for it. My plate in life is so full and he heaped this pile of shit on me to deal with too.

I KNOW I need to put this behind me to have any kind of life. I KNOW it wasn't intentional, but it still hurts so much and I just want to get past it, but feel stuck.

MY response

I have never read a thread that has hit so close to home for me...  this is ALL so very true. I am printing it for my H to read, maybe seeing the way you all shared your feelings will help him to          understand mine. I often wonder if I need to just give up on him and find someone who isnt going to do this to me, someone who isnt tainted with this and who would never put another human being before his own children. The sad part is that I thought I had found that someone, then he did this to me. I want a life that is not filled with pain and triggers and mistrust, I want happiness and honesty and comfort. Oh, to feel comfortable again.

But, I am here... living out my "life sentence" as it has been so perfectly put. All because I loved him so much before this happened and I have always believed that love doesnt just go away, so that love that we had has got to be around here somewhere.

I read this all to him when he came home.  We talked of the affair without tears or anger for the first time.  I told him I couldn’t fill in the blanks when it comes to his emotions any longer, it seems like he understood more than ever what I needed.  Unfortunately, even with this newfound understanding of what I needed to do, I was skeptical that he would be able to deliver… but slightly optimistic at the same time.  Crazy, right? 

Day Sixty Nine

He left REALLY early this morning, but was sweet about it. He was a lot quieter than he usually is and made it a point to stop and kiss me several times.  This is what I want.  I want him to do little things like that to show me that I am the one on his mind. 

After a busy day of summer acitivities with the kids, we were all exhausted and had a low key evening at home.  When I am really tired is when I think the most.  My mind seems to overcompensate for my body and has more energy that ever.  I didn’t make anything special for dinner and ignored the fact that my kids needed a bath.  He came home just before bed and offered to put the kids down while I took a nice relaxing shower, which he offered to join me in but I declined.  I just couldn’t do it.  I didn’t want to be near him, but he sensed that and wouldn’t leave me alone.  He stayed near me, paying attention to me, until my crazy left and I allowed him to love me.  I don’t think he realized what had happened, that his attentiveness is what got me out of it.  I contemplated telling him, but he needs to figure it out on his own.  He needs to look deeper into this and make his own realizations… I am so sick of realizing things for everyone all the time.

Day Sixty Eight

Woke up alone, he was at the gym.  My daughter crawled into bed with me and went back to sleep so I was unable to really talk to him, for fear of waking her when I left the bed.  There seems to be this great distance between us, one that I put there.  How can I possibly feel guilty?!?!  I didn’t fuck someone else!  I didn’t tell someone else I loved them!  I didn’t lie, sneak around and betray my family yet I feel like I am causing all of this stress on our relationship.  WHY WONT HE TALK TO ME? He is not giving me the silent treatment or anything, but I don’t know what he is going through in this.  Does he miss her?  Does he regret choosing me?  Does he feel bad?   I am so frustrated today I cant stand it.  I went on craigslist and found all of these married men looking for side encounters… so I emailed them all a link to this blog and told them to be real men and divorce their wives, give their wives a chance to find a good man that they deserve!  It was liberating and I fear that I may become addicted to it.  I am no superhero, but I really have this fantasy that ONE of those creeps will read this, see what they are doing and stop.  Is that even possible?  Is it possible to stop the ball once its gets rolling? 

The one positive of today is this:  At least my husband didn’t go looking for skanks on freakin’ craigslist.  Gross.

Later in the afternoon, I received a response from one of the Craigslist cheaters… his ad, titled “Married? Lonely? Need more attention? Me too” stated that he is married to a great woman, but the marriage lacks passion.  He wants someone to want to be sexy for him, to want him and give him the attention he is lacking.  So I emailed him:

“If your wife is so great, then why would you do this to her? Wondering what you might be doing to her? Read my blog http://daysafteraffair.blogspot.com/ to find out how you will destroy her, make her feel worthless and horrible and ruin her ability to trust another human being.

Missing passion? Go on a fucking vacation. Treat her right. Take the time you spend looking for side relationships on Craigslist and show her passion... its a two way street. If that doesnt work, then be a man and divorce her so she can find the man she deserves.”

His response:

"Don't be coming at me all high and mighty with all the answers...you have no idea whats going on...just because you have to whine about your inability to deal and enjoy publicly airing your drama for attention doesn't mean every other female in the world will go on a waaa fest after finding out....

Plus you have a pottymouth...

My wife has no sex drive, it ain't me, never has been. Even if it is me, the situation is what it is..men have needs... You don't treat him right, he strays...looks like you know that first hand...

She is treated right every day, its hormonal - I can throw all the passion in the world her way and she has 0 response, so I AM doing what is right, treating her and the family great and looking for a little help with one basic piece of my nature that is in no way material enough to divorce her for.....

Maybe if you could quit blogging all day and airing your dirty laundry, you could quit focusing on your bullshit and get back to a normal life..."

Well, I couldn’t let that go, so I responded with:

"A little defensive arent we? Well, good luck with your great wife. I hope your children can cope with their relationship issues differently than their father. Do you want your daughter (if you have one, which I hope you dont) to marry a man like you?

As for my whining waaaa fest... go ahead, have your affairs and when your wife finds out, WHEN she finds out, I can guarantee you that she too will find an outlet she enjoys to get through all the heartache you have put her through. My blog is harmless, annonymous and my way of coping with a situation that I did not ask for nor did I do anything to deserve.

You have a lot of room to talk about being public about drama... arent you the one who posted an ad on craigslist for sex, whining about your lack of passion? I'm just sayin'..."

And, lastly, he said:

"Not defensive at all...just don't need to hear any bullshit from some blogger lady...and I'm not whining about a lack of passion, I'm hunting for a supplement...

Speaking of, send some pics, you sound like you could use some good sex, maybe we can work something out :)"

That’s when I decided to call it quits.  No need to continue this conversation any further, but I now know that there are worse husbands to have than mine.

He came home and went straight to the kids, ignored me.  I felt completely nuts about it, so after we put the kids to bed I confronted him about it.  He assured me that he is in “work mode” and really missed the kids today, but was only thinking about work and not anything else.  He even went as far as to forego his plans of working from home tonight to cuddle with me on the couch and never once complained that he would have to leave extra early for work tomorrow to finish what he couldn’t tonight. 

Day Sixty Seven

Went to church this evening and, as usual, my head starting filling with all sorts of questions while the pastor was speaking.  For some reason, I feel powerful, able and confident in church.  The thoughts that cross my mind are always ones where I am in charge, I make the decisions, I call the shots.  They are usually ones that revolve around him leaving and me turning out just fine.  The thoughts are always about me deserving to be with one of these godly men among us, instead of this unholy, selfish, disgusting man.  I want to be with someone who LOVES me.  I just don’t always believe that he does.

After church, we have made it a ritual to find a quiet place to talk during the music worship, before we have to get the kids.  Today I asked him “Do you think there is anyone out there that you could love more than you love me?” To this he answered no.  So I asked “Is there anyone you could ever love just as much as me?”  He answered shortly, no. Then silence.  Then he started an entirely new conversation topic.  I couldn’t even look him in the eye, and he knew he had steer back.  So he did, he asked what brought those questions on and I answered, tears running down my face.  “Don’t you ever think we are wasting our time?  Don’t you want to find someone you love enough to not do this to?  You say I am the love of your life, yet you have never cheated on anyone before, so have you loved those women more than me?  I don’t know what you are going through because you don’t talk to me.  I don’t know if you are able to pretend that nothing happened and move on, because if you are tehn you obviously don’t understand how wrong you were in this.”  And so on… Then, the congregation was dismissed, he sat quietly, blankly (his usual confronted way) and I said “lets go get the kids, you obviously have nothing to say.” And that was it.  Nothing.  The rest of the evening was spent hardly recognizing eachothers existence.  We took the kids to get ice cream and had a great time as a family, but something was definitely lacking between us.  Here I go again, feeling like I am damaging our relationship with my big mouth questions, feeling at fault for bringing it up and worried that I am just driving him back into her arms for more comfort or whatever that little slut gave him. 

Bedtime arrived and I found myself lying next to this man who cant even tell me how sorry he is, or how much he loves me.  I cried a little more, and he reached out and held me.  He said he doesnt know what to do, that he IS sorry that he DOES love me but thinks he is showing it rather than saying it.  It all makes me wonder if my expectations of what remorse looks like are just a little too high.  I dont know what to do either. 

Day Sixty Six

A little hungover today, but feeling rather well.  Ran some errands with the kids and feeling less doomed.  I emailed him pictures of the concert and he responded saying the ones of the two of us were great and he reiterated that he had a great time last night. 

My body cant handle rock star partying anymore, but my hangover did bring me a little relief from the feeling of impending doom.  Maybe its not as bad as I thought.  I feel so crazy.  Somedays it just feels like the mountain is too steep to climb and other days I feel like we are doing remarkably well and we will get through this.  I read yesterdays post and am now thinking that maybe it was the alcohol and fun that made me so fatalistic about the outcome of this... but why does alcohol and FUN make me think this way?  The more we get along the more I think about the horrible lies and deceit and it makes me want to have a good time with someone who would never want to cause me this pain.  I have to realize that he didnt WANT the pain for me... he was only thinking of himself.  Our therapist told him he has commitment issues, but will those ever go away?  Is he worth all of this?  Can he ever be what I need?

I am too tired to think about this anymore.  I just need a vacation from him and this life he has built for me.  I am so tired of feeling so confused all the time.

Day Sixty Five

I met him at his work tonight for a date night to a favorite concert of ours.  We walked around his building gathering things we were borrowing for the concert, the whole time I was wondering where they had sex, if we were walking near places where they had done it.  I felt disgusting, but I powered through it.  I was not going to let this ruin my night.  I was paying a very expensive babysitter, I looked HOT and was ready for a good time!

At the concert we had a blast, made out like teenagers, made fun of people and truly enjoyed each others company.  We rocked out!  We took pictures, drank beer and ate nachos.  A perfect evening, except for the whole affair thing hanging over our heads like a dark, wet cloud that was about to rain thunder and lightening all over our lives.  I am trying so hard to be positive but something in me tells me that we are nearing the end.  I cant help it.  Its there, even though I don’t want it to be.  I push it out of my head all day everyday, but it comes back stronger, more vivid.  I cant imagine living my entire life with someone who could do this to me... to our family.  I am trying so hard to make it through this, but I fear that I am just not strong enough.

Day Sixty Four

On our mini-vacation and decided to do it all in Houston!  Went to the Childrens Museum AND the zoo and had a GREAT time until we were at the zoo and I saw a childless couple walking around holding hands and loving on eachother.  I instantly thought of the two of them at the zoo in St Louis.  He took her there, to something that we have always done together.  We have visited 13 zoos in the country and our goal is to always go whenever on a vacation.  He ruined that.   I couldn’t snap out of it, crying in front of my kids and the giraffes.  I composed myself the best I could and wandered around, wanting to punch him.  He comforted me constantly, apologized for ruining zoo trips and promised to make it better.  He even suggested us finding something else that only the two of us shared… the only problem is that in their brief two month long relationship, they shared so much that I don’t even know about and cant stand the thought of finding out about.  Can I ever go to the stupid zoo again without feeling betrayed?  Is there any spot on this earth that I wont feel betrayed?

Day Sixty Three

Left for Houston today, had a great 4 hour road trip with the family and an even better dinner out.  I surprised him with a cooler of beer, snacks and a game to play to entertain ourselves while the kids slept in the bedroom at the hotel and he was very touched.  Tomorrow is a new day in a new city… I can do this.  I can be with him and love him and we can get through this.  He proved a lot to me this week with his openness about the party and his email communication with her. 

I am feeling positive and able to reconcile today as we end day one of this little trip... I love that there are no memories of her and him and their filthy little romance anywhere in this city.  Houston is going to be all about OUR memories together, nothing to do with the skank.  I am looking forward to tomorrow and, strangely, to the rest of our lives.  Maybe we do need to move out of Dallas and start fresh in a city that has nothing to do with the affair?  Just being in a new place for half of a day has changed my entire outlook! 

Day Sixty Two

Well, it was confirmed that she WAS at last nights going away party.  He admitted that, while everyone had a good time and he missed out on that, he was REALLY glad he didn’t go.  He said he doesn’t want to see her.  I am slowly starting to believe that, however she did change her facebook profile to private in the last day or so, which is VERY suspicious to me since I had just told my husband that I was able to view it two days ago.  Are they still talking?  This cant be a coincidence.  I don’t believe in coincidences anymore.

He left work early to celebrate a huge milestone in our four year olds life.  We went to her favorite restaurant/playplace and had a great time as a family.   Unfortunately the kids took so much of his attention that we spent very little time together and by the time they went to bed we were both exhausted.  I brought up her having changed her profile to private and he was irritated with me, but tried really hard to hide it.  We are leaving to Houston to spend a few days tomorrow and I don’t want to ruin that so I dropped it. 

I hope he is not still talking to her.