Day Sixty One

Today was a busy day for all of us… the kids and I had lots of errands to run and tons of cleaning and things to do around the house and he had a busy work day.  He was great about keeping in touch for most of the day, knowing that she was there and he needed to communicate with me the best he could.  It was somewhat of a relief, but still unnerving since she was in his building.  My long list of things to do helped me to focus on my life rather than his mistake.  It was actually a pretty nice day.

I got a call in the afternoon from my Dr that said that all of my STD test results came back negative, but I needed to return in 3 months for a second HIV test.  That was a relief!

At night, he called me several times from his office to make sure that I knew he was at work and not at the going away party.  He told me that they (his employees and coworkers) had been texting and calling him all night to come to the party and he finally told them that he was having some problems at home and needed to not be social right now, he even went as far as to tell them that the issues were due to “deceit on my part” and they finally let it go.  He came home and told me, that after hearing about all the people from his company that were at the party he was sure she was probably there and he was glad he was home with me.  I let it go at that point.  He was here with me, I didn’t care where that dirty slut was. 

Day Sixty

This is the first day of one of the big events that she will be working at his property.  I was not as nervous as I thought I would be, yet I still felt a little uncomfortable.  While doing some recon for a friends whose husband was invited to the same party as mine (the one with whom the leaving coworker has an inappropriate relationship, possibly an affair), I was searching emails and facebook and went into my crazy a little… but snapped out of it quickly!  I told myself that he wasn’t going to go to the party and believed it. 

He came home earlier than I expected from work and was attentive and loving.  Maybe he is not still seeing her after all.

Day Fifty Nine

I had a fun activity planned for the kids today that took place near his office, so he asked us to come by for lunch.  I almost obliged, but logistically it wasn’t going to work with our activity so I declined.  He got points for asking though. J

Later in the afternoon, after I exhausted the kids and drove home in terrible traffic with a screaming headache, I came home and rested for a few moments before preparing for dinner, etc. We had a lot of nice conversation during dinner.  After dinner, he asked if he could attend his coworkers going away party this weekend, had thought about it enough to offer up the evite list to show that the yogurt slut wasn’t invited and even promised to leave if she showed up.  Wow.  Thanks.  Apparently he still doesn’t understand that his promises don’t mean anything to me.  In return, I offered up her facebook page which clearly showed a friendship between her and the coworker… a conversation about getting drinks soon had taken place in the last week.  He seemed so convinced that she wasn’t going to be there that my crazy took over and, in my head, I was sure that they were planning a secret rendezvous.  He noticed that look in my eyes and asked if I wanted to go with him to the party.  Yeah, that’s just how I wanted to spend my Friday night… looking over my shoulder for a skanky girl who fucked my husband to walk through the door.  How can he even ask me that?  Why wont he drop it?  I finally told him that I am not his mother and he can make whatever choices he would like, but I was done having this conversation. 

What really tears me up is that we had been having a really nice night before that.  All that for a stupid party for a coworker that I didn’t even like and that I was pretty sure had had an affair with one of the other managers!  He knew I disliked her, he knew I was uncomfortable with their relationship years ago and he knew I was uncomfortable with ANY work outing, yet he still pushed it. 

He did redeem himself slightly by apologizing for bringing it up and saying that he didn’t mean to upset me.  Too late.  I’m pissed.

Day Fifty Eight

Sent him off to work this morning with lots of hugs and kisses and an enthusiastic “have a good day!”  I also sent him a text later in the morning that read “I hope you have an amazing, stress free day today!  I love you!”  If I were a dog, I would have peed on him.  I wanted him to feel loved and appreciated so that if he saw her he wouldn’t want her.  Crazy.  I decided not to continue with the zoo farce, so I dropped it.  As I was driving to run errands I contemplated driving the 30 miles to his work to spy on them… the only thing that stopped me was the fact that my kids would have recognized his building and out me.  I am glad they stopped me, I would have reached a new crazy if they hadn’t.

He called me that afternoon to tell me he saw her.... for the first time since my second discovery day.  He had been standing in one of his employees offices when she rounded the corner, saw him there and said “oh, I’ll come back later” and left.  He finished his conversation then went up to his office to call me.  Good boy.  If only I had fully believed him and not pictured a secret rendevoux where they talked about their plans for the future all while f***ing eachother in a dirty broom closet.  But at least he called me.

Day Fifty Seven

We went to his brothers house and let the kids all play themselves to sleep.  We visited with family and he was so tired after it all that he asked me to make the hour drive home.  There was little time to contemplate our relationship throughout the day, which was a nice break, but once everyone fell asleep in the car my mind decided to play catch up.  It was racing with reminders of everything, with emotions in all different directions and endless possibilities… do I stay and work it out?  Do I leave and find myself a man that will ALWAYS love me enough to not do this to me?  Can I watch him fall in love with someone else?  Is that why I am staying, because I don’t want him with anyone else?  There were moments in the car that I wanted to slap him across the face and kick him out on the highway, followed by moments where I wanted him to wake up and hold me like he had the other night. 

All this crazy is exhausting me.  My house is not as clean as it usually is, my kids are more neglected than ever and if I am not writing on this blog or on one of support websites, then I am thinking about the affair in several other ways.  This has officially and totally consumed just about every part of me.  57 days out and it seems like its getting worse. 

When we got home, he put the kids to bed while I got ready for bed.  I checked his phone and saw that he was copied on an email from her that stated that she would be at his work the following day to set up something for the upcoming event.  I decided I wanted to be there too. I told him that our moms club was heading to the zoo the next day and asked if we could stop in for lunch.  He was excited, said “of course!”  In a weird way, I was hoping he would try to stop me, say he was busy or something. I wanted to catch him in something, but I didn’t know what.  I am so used to feeling suspicious that I don’t know how to react when he does something to remove that suspicion.

Day Fifty Six

A horribly hot dallas day… we went swimming, bbqd lunch AND dinner and went out for ice cream after.  We got a lot accomplished while having some good family time.  So far, it looks as though I didn’t ruin the weekend after all, we just had a terrible start.

A friend of mine called whose husband also works for the same company.  There is a going away party for a coworker who just happens to also be friends with the yogurt bitch.  I was going to try to wait and catch him in a lie, but lets face it, my crazy was NOT going to allow that!  I asked about it and he was very open, said he had just received the evite and was going to talk to me about it that night.  A quick search of his phone verified that he had only received the evite thirty minutes ago.  Ok, my crazy is relieved and we went on with the rest of the night.

Day Fifty Five

Started the day by sleeping in for the first time in four years… it was amazing.  He went for a run and I made the kids pancakes, excited about the extra day off he had taken.  We had plans, projects to do and lots of time to do them in.  The morning was great.  As we prepared to return our long overdue items to the library, he sent me hunting through his laptop bag to find the missing movie… that’s when I found a receipt for a book she purchased him (dated over two months ago) and a CD title Disc 2 that was filled with songs that we hadn’t downloaded.  I asked about the CD, as non-attacking as I could.  “This CD was floating around in your bag… is it important?  Its going to get ruined” “No, its fine” with a worried look on his face.  “What is it?” I asked.  “Just a CD with songs on it.” Liar.  He knew the question I was asking and he is still trying to cover shit up.  I was furious, broke the CD and we got into a huge fight.  He doesn’t understand the term FULL TRANPSARENCY.  He is trying to protect himself, not me.  His first instinct is to lie, to cover something up.  How can I ever trust him again when he cant even be honest about a stupid CD?!?!?!  Its not just the CD, it’s the fact that I had asked a few weeks ago if there had ever been any gifts between them and had she ever bought him anything.  He said no.  There were 2 CD’s and a book that I knew of now.  He doesn’t know how to fess up to anything.  He can be such a coward.

As the fight went on, I realized that there was no going back.  He said it and I felt it… The weekend was ruined.  He would rather be at work than at home defending every action, being attacked and punished.  He was right.  Moving on was going forward, not staying in one spot dissecting every moment of a past painful mistake.   I decided to shove as much of it into the back of my mind as possible and try to go on with the weekend.  This could be our last weekend together for a while, as his job is getting into its busy season, and I want it to be great.

We did a little shopping, had a nice lunch then came home and had a lovely dinner that he prepared on the bbq.  It was a nice day, once we recovered from the morning.  I can do this.

Day Fifty Four

Today, I got a “hows your day?” call, several text messages AND a proposition for a date night!  He suggested taking the kids to playcare and going out to dinner, but didn’t know where.  We decided to take the day to think about it… I quickly scheduled a shower and hair drying session in my day and got to work getting the kids excited about playcare.  A few hours later, I get another call suggesting that we take the kids to the horse races for one last time before the season ended.  I wish he would have wanted to have a date with me more than he wanted to do this, but I was also excited about the races.

The night was good, he seemed a little distant but I knew he was tired.  As we drank a few beers I started to feel crazy and kept asking if he was okay, pouting that he wasn’t really paying any attention to me.  We were picnicking on the grass, the kids were enjoying themselves with other children and he was focusing more on the races and watching the kids than on spending time with me.  While I know this is totally normal for a family outing, it still made me crazy.  On the way home we started talking about it (well, I started talking about it) and he said I needed to move on from it all.  WE needed to move on.  I tried to explain that it was difficult when he was distant and that everytime he seems that way I wonder if hes thinking about her or the affair or some other girl.  He then said to me “I’ve moved on. I only think about it when you bring it up” after I told him I think about it all the time and I cant figure out why he seemed so unscathed by it all.  That sent me into tears, silently crying as my kids fell asleep in the back seat.  Of course, he was his usual self… looking straight ahead and appearing to pretend that I wasn’t there.  It just made me feel more crazy.  What is he thinking?  Why wont he tell me?  I have this picture of him in my head thinking to himself “why wont she just let it go?  Why is she so dramatic?  Jeese… just STOP crying you pathetic idiot!”  I wish I knew what was in his head.

After putting the kids to bed we talked… again.  It seems to be all we do anymore.  Sitting on the couch, him talking a little, me talking a lot and lots of crying (for me).  I broke down, a ball on the floor… “why did you do this to me?” I wept over and over.  He finally got up, came over to me and held me while I cried.  He eased my crazy for a moment and I began to feel so safe while in his arms.  Why doesn’t he understand that I need to be in those arms?  I need him to make me feel safe and warm and loved and he just clams up, unable to move and unable to comfort me until I am on the verge of leaving, then he springs into action. I wish he knew that had he done that hours ago, when I first showed signs of crazy, we could have salvaged the evening.

Day Fifty Three

Fun day today!  I went to my gynecologist to get my annual exam and STD/HIV testing.  Woo hoo.  I had to sign all these forms about HIV testing, endure the questions… “Still married?” “Yes” “Still monogamous?” “No.” Of course I had to offer an explanation, there was no way in hell I was going to let anyone think I was the one who cheated. Then there were the questions on my health, I need to eat more and start taking a vitamin.  She wanted a full work up of my blood and insisted that I return next week to weigh in (to make sure I don’t lose anymore weight) and get the results of the HIV test.  Awesome.  I had to make an appt with the front desk clerk to get my HIV results.  Sweet.

All of this just made me relive that first, horrible day.  Luckily, he was warm and sweet and caring when he came home that night.  We hardly mentioned what I had gone through that day, it was pointless to do so since the entire thing made us both uncomfortable and there was no changing it.  He did this, I am living with the repercussions of it.  Today I knew that he felt bad about it, somewhere in his unemotional, unfeeling self he felt like an asshole.

Day Fifty Two

Tonight was a night I knew was NOT going to go well.  He had been planning a boys night with his visiting friend and I was not happy about it.  We compromised that they would go to a bar for a few drinks, meet his brother for dinner then leave at half time of the game they were watching.  Well, just as I expected, some ridiculous factors forced him to stay through the whole game and get home at almost midnight.  The service was slow at the restaurant.  He claimed that his TWO text messages where him “checking in all night” and thought that his promises that “its never going to happen again, you have nothing to worry about” were enough for me to know that what he was doing was harmless, just drinkin’ with the boys.  Bullshit.  It wasn’t harmless.  He knew how uncomfortable I was with it and he chose his own selfish needs ahead of mine.  Sound familiar?  That’s exactly what he did while he was sneaking around with that dirty little yogurt shop owning slut. 

Well, as one can imagine, a huge fight ensued and I was actually punching the ground with frustration.  He claims he did everything right.  He doesn’t understand what the problem is.  The real problem is that I have gotten myself so worked up that I cant even calm down.  I cry, whisper-yell at the top of my lungs (kids AND overnight visitor are all asleep) and he just lies in bed, watching.  He has no reaction to it (per usual).  THIS is the problem.  He never reacts.  He just sits there. Never shares feelings, never holds me when I am upset.  He just sits there.

I finally conceded only because I was feeling so lonely I would do anything to get him to hold me.  How ridiculous is that?  He doesn’t understand, but am I foolish to expect him to?

Day Fifty One

Fathers Day... how do I celebrate him as a father when I am doubting him as one so much right now?  I decided that today is not about me or our relationship or that two month period where he was such a horrible dad.  Its about him and our kids and the great father he has been over the past four and half years.  Today is about my hope that he can become that man again. 

We woke up early, the kids excited about the presents and cupcakes we made.  We decorated the kitchen while he was running then went to church, then breakfast out and came back home to nap and swim and bbq.  He loved all of his gifts and seemed so surprised that we did anything for him, feeling as though he didnt deserve any of it.  All the remorse I have been looking for from him was shown in a different way today.

I wrote him a touching card expressing my hope for our future and it made me feel great.  I realize that I have to be better to him if I want him to become better.  I am not taking any responsiblity for the mess he has created, but am taking control of our resolution and recovery.  Unfortunately, I cant expect him to fix this on his own, I need to take part.  So I will.  I am changing my view of him for today.  I am showing him that I can love him again, even if I dont fully believe it.  The response was astounding... he was so loving and caring that I teared up several times, remembering the man he was and seeing him return today was so emotional and wonderful for me.  I think he really enjoyed it too, not having the affair looming over him for a day. 

After an exhausting day, I fell asleep in his arms while he watched a TV show and had the best hour of sleep I have had in fifty one days.  He carressed my back while I slept and I felt loved, truly loved, for the first time in months. 

Day Fifty

Still searching through phone records.  I woke up realizing that he was late to dinner one night, sitting in his car in the parking lot on a “work” call.  I checked the records and, sure enough, it was her.  I was sitting at a f***ing restaurant while our kids were at playcare waiting for him while he finished a conversation with her.

I wish I could delete the old phone records.  They are causing me unnecessary stress and massive anxiety.  I cant stop looking, though.  I can stop filling in the blanks.  I have a spreadsheet set up with every single phone number he has called and who it belongs to.  The numbers that I have not confirmed owners for have notes next to them so, when/if I do figure out who it is, I can call him on it.  I am waiting to catch him in another lie.  That’s what my life has become.  Sitting, waiting for him to cheat on me again.

Day Forty Nine

Too exhausted to think today.  The kids are ridiculous and their naughty behavior, once again, forced me to not think about the affair.  We had an okay day, despite the behavior issues and the evening brought him home early for dinner and we fell asleep on the couch, recovering from a busy week.

Day Forty Eight

Spent the day getting ready for some friends to come over to bbq and swim.  The inaugural swim party!  Again, another day of little thought over what had happened.  The dirty yogurt whore crossed my mind just a handful of times.  When most of our friends had gone home, we stayed and visited with one from out of town who was staying with us that night.  He and my husband have been friends for years, long before me, and talked about jobs, girls, etc.  The whole time I thought about what this man must think of me.  My husband told him about the affair on an earlier beer run and my mind raced… had this friend (not married, no kids, never going to settle down) high five’d him for banging two chicks that the same time?  Did he scold him for ruining his family? 

Day Forty Seven

Spent the day at the conference then headed back to Dallas with my best friend (who lives in Austin) to go to a concert.  Lots of talk and a few tears on the four hour drive, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as our earlier conversations about this mess had been.  I discovered that I did have more hope than I thought.  Maybe we could get through this.  I had missed him these past two days and was looking forward to crawling into bed with him later that night. 

I arrived home, he was asleep and I curled up next to him… a little drunk and tired, I quietly cried myself to sleep.  I love him so much, I am so afraid to lose him yet I cant imagine life going on like this.  How in the hell are we going to get through this?  How can I love him so much after all he had put me through?  Was it him I loved or the person he once was?  Will he ever be the man I need him to be and will I ever forgive him?

Day Forty Six

I left for a conference in San Antonio today.  He is staying with the kids and me and some of my volunteer friends area heading south for a short weekend of no kids, no husbands and no responsibilities.  In the morning, we tried to fool around but the kids woke up… leaving us both a little frustrated.  Throughout the day, we texted eachother back and forth with stimulating sexual innuendos. “You had better try to leave work early to come home and finish what we started this morning… you don’t want me leaving for the weekend like this” he responded with “trust me, I am doing everything I can to get out of here and into you.”  It went on and on until he came home, the kids still napping and we had amazing sex.  It left me feeling empowered, I had never done anything like that before in regard to the text messages. 

My friend and I made the four hour drive and I never thought about the affair again today.  We went out for dinner and drinks with the other volunteers that were in town for the conference and had a great night!  I didn’t even text him good night or anything… I actually forgot about him too.

Day Forty Five

Better day, things are finished for the conference and now I am packing, planning our trip and getting the house clean for the weekend.  I am nervous to leave, nervous he may want to call her or see her.  Nervous that he wont miss me.  I know I am only going for two days, but I hate not being right there with him all the time… he has proven that he cannot be trusted and I cant quite figure out how he is going to prove that he can be.  I don’t really believe anything he says, I try to but I still question just about everything that comes out of his mouth. 

He was sweet tonight, made dinner so I could finish getting ready and we had a few drinks by the pool before heading to bed.  He even told me how much he was going to miss me and how stupid he felt for missing me on a two day trip.  That brought some necessary relief.

Day Forty Four

Busy day, practically had a nervous breakdown over finishing a lame project for the upcoming volunteer conference this week.  I don't know what is going on with me, I usually THRIVE under pressure.  Now, pressure is too much for me to handle.  I yelled at my kids for no reason, I cried over a scrapbook page I needed to finish and almost lost my mind over a misplaced pair of scissors.  I texted him and told him I was losing it, wanting him to feel horrible about it, about causing it. 

I don’t know how to NOT want to punish him regularly.  I don’t know how NOT to bring it up constantly.  I don’t know how to do this.  I am so scared that he will never be the man he should be.  I am so afraid of losing him, but I always think about how okay I would be if he were gone.  I often think about dating and how that would be.  I think about the kids and how they wouldn’t even realize he was gone because he works so much.  I think about a life back home in Washington where I have an amazing support group and TONS of sitters so I can date again.  I also think about the pain and agony of seeing him regularly and the loss I would feel if he were gone.  What if he started dating before me?  That would kill me.  I cant imagine him with anyone else, nor do I imagine myself with another man.  Ultimately, while I try to think of spending my life with another person, I cant shake the feeling that he is the one I want.  But, why do I want a man that would do this to me?

Day Fourty Three

Spent the whole day in and out of anger and sadness…

While we were in the middle of intense foreplay I looked at him, his eyes closed and his face showing pleasure and my mind went crazy.  I had flashes of the two of them together, then quick flashes of the two of us.  It was like a scene in a movie, where distorted visions quickly appeared on the screen with angry music playing and harsh images… I saw them naked, together and could actually here the moaning and groaning of sexual satisfaction.  I could hear him telling HER how good it felt, how badly he wanted her and, at the same time, I could see myself at home with our children wondering why he had been so distant, working out and wearing more makeup to be more attractive to him, working around the clock to clean, make his favorite meals and do anything I could to reach out to him, to get him back.  I wondered why his eyes were closed right now, was he thinking about her?  Is this what his face looked like when they were together?  Did she satisfy him more?  Had they lied naked on her couch together, her hand on him and his hands in her like we were laying at this moment?  I couldn’t take it anymore and my body pulled away from him without my even controlling it.  “I cant do this!” I screamed, not even knowing how angry and hurt I was feeling until the words left my mouth.  I lay silently against him, he held me and nobody said a word.  I covered my face, to try to prevent my head from seeing these awful images… these were the most realistic I had seen throughout the past 43 days.  I hate him so much some times, but I have never loved anyone more.  It was several minutes before a sound or movement occurred.  “Please, don’t hurt me ever again” I pleaded.  He responded with “Never again, I promise.”  I wish I believed him.   

Day Forty Two

More lovely information today.  While perusing his personal email account, I discovered that, about three weeks into their relationship (two weeks after they had sex), she had bought him a plane ticket to come home from a business trip a day early.  I picked him up from the airport the day after, thinking he had just stepped off of a plane… instead he had just stepped out of her bed, into her car and kissed her goodbye before coming home to me.  What kind of man does this?!!?!  I then started incessantly searching for more info, but found very little.  I called him, he confessed to it and, annoyed, asked why this was all so important for me to know.  He just doesn’t get it, but can I really expect him to? 

Later that day, as though the earlier information was not enough to send me into near-hysteria, I mentioned to my kids that we would be going to Chick Fil A for a fundraiser this week.  My daughter responded with “I had fun with daddys friend and her baby boy at Chick Fil A last time.”  What the FUCK?!?!?!?!  Daddys “friend?”  I was furious.  Before calling him about it, I checked the bank account, scrolled through several months until found a charge at the Chick Fil A near her business the day after I picked him from the airport when he supposedly had just returned from a trip, not a charge at ANY of the three between our house and there.  Holy Shit.  I text him with what my daughter said and he said “There were lots of moms and kids there, that ones a little out there.”  Lie.  I texted back with my newfound bank information and he never responded.  Called me when he was on his way home and we had it out.  How dare he do this to my kids?!?!  What kind of father is he?  He claimed they only sat near eachother and there was no interaction between her and the kids, which is bullshit.  He said he never wanted the kids to be involved, but he dragged them into it! They had a fucking playdate together while I was at a volunteer meeting singing his praises for taking the kids instead of my having to deal with them at the meeting.  I called after the meeting and offered to meet him at Chick Fil A (assuming it was the one five minutes from our house) and he declined, wanted to meet me at another restaurant for lunch.  He took a while to get there and I hadn’t thought anything of it. 

Again, I am sick with images… these ones are worse.  Images of her talking to my kids, seeing him as a father, and watching them all interact.  Him playing with her son, her playing with  my kids all the while I am oblivious.  She was probably sitting there when I called, which is why he was so distant.  What did he say to her when we hung up?  “My horrible wife wants me to come home… sorry.”  Did he tell her that when he told me he loved me, it was a lie?  Sick.  Absolutely sick.

As we lay in bed, he seemed upset.  He admitted how terrible he felt that our four year old remembered that and brought it up.  He never wanted them involved, he thought it was harmless.  Harmless is not a word that can be used to describe ANY of this.

Day Forty One

Failure.  I couldn’t help it today.  I had a stupid question about the affair and it sat in my head all day, marinating in my crazy and I couldn’t help but ruin our evening with it.  It was such a stupid question that I would rather forget it and not write it down.  Why do I keep doing this to myself?  I actually read about hypnotherapy on the internet today, considering for a moment what it would be like to hypontise this shit out of my head.  I realize its not possible, but it sure feels good to think about a life where this is not always present, making me crazier. 

The day was great, though.  Our family has gotten much closer through out this, we have spent so much quality time together (and eaten so much ice cream!).We went to church, then a rare trip to the grocery store where he got to finally see what monsters our kids turn into during the painful process of stocking our home with food. After, we went to the park to enjoy the last bit of decent weather before summer starts then spent the rest of the day getting odds and ends done around the house.  It really was a beautiful Sunday, just like they are supposed to be in families who dont betray eachother and ruin everything for some rich little skank.  These thoughts are the ones that stupidly made me bring up the infamous question that sent this beatiful Sunday careening down a steep hill, on fire, into a pit of burning lava.   

The evening sucked, for lack of a better word, but at least the day was great.

Day Forty

Two days of not talking about it!  I feel like this week long goal might actually be an attainable one!  I know its only been two days, but I have made it much further than I thought I could.  I am no longer expecting myself to fail... I might actually be able to do this!

It really helped that we had a busy Saturday, doing tons of work around the house, and the kids were horribly behaved, so much of our energy was spent disciplining them. J  Thank god for my annoying kids, they made my life feel more normal today. 

We ended the day exhausted and as close to normal as we have been in 40 days.  We fell asleep early on the couch and stumbled up to bed, looking forward to tomorrow.

Day Thirty Nine

Well, today was a success!  I didn’t bring it up and, with that, I didn’t think about it as much.  Sure, I had my moments while I folded his underwear that I thought about another woman seeing these, ripping them off of his body.  I sat down to a lonely lunch and invisioned them in the throws of passion in a broom closet while I was calling or texting him and he wasnt responding.  After the kids woke up from their naps, I had a moment where I thought about the words "thanks for the amazing sex" that started this all for me, but just a little moment.  I was, for the most part, able to push all of those thoughts out of my head before they did too much damage to my day.  The day ended with a nice evening, nothing spectacular, but it felt great to not have the affair be as much a part of our relationship today. 

Day Thirty Eight

Today I decided to try to stop punishing him.  I have to.  The more I punish him, the shittier I feel and that’s not going to get either of us anywhere.  I don’t want a miserable life, I want a happy one.  The only way to achieve that is to stop with the anger and constant conversations.  My goal… one week of NOT talking about it with him.  I wont bring her or the affair up for one week.  My expectations are fairly low, but  I am going to try anyway.  I cant continue life like this, something has to change.  I cant change what he did, so I will challenge myself to change what I do.  Challenge accepted.

Day Thirty Seven

In the morning, I felt like I was hit by a truck… As I was getting ready for the day, I thought about the nights he was with her on his business trip to St Louis.  He texted me “good night, I love you” while he was with her.  Even that was a lie.  He didn’t love me, not enough to turn away from her.  Not enough to not sleep with her.  He probably told her he loved her that same night.  He claims he didn’t mean when he said it to her, but he didn’t mean it with me either. As he got ready for work this morning, I watched him dry off with a towel and thought about how she had seen him in that exact same way… nobody else was ever supposed to see him like that.  Nobody else as ever supposed to know the patterns of hair on his chest and see his body in its entirety.  Nobody else was supposed to have their hands on the parts of his body that I stared at.

As the day went on, I forced myself to be more hopeful.  I tried to look forward to our life together rather than back on this awful event.  This worked well enough, I was very productive and even had a decent lunch! 

I just want him with me all the time.  Not because I want to know where he is or what he is doing, but because I need him to comfort me in those moments of realizations.  I want him to love me all day, show me affection and make me feel great about myself.  I want him to tell me he loves me and that he doesn’t want to live without me.  I want him to tell me he’s sorry and that he regrets everything he has done. 

Day Thirty Six

Had a horrible dream last night… I dreamt that I was shopping with the two of them!  She was there, I was there and he was there.  Horrible.  They were holding hands and talking, while I was desperately trying to be noticed.  They would go off together and I was stuck looking for them, praying that they hadn’t reconnected their romance while I was gone for a few moments.  I woke up sweating at 4am and struggled to find any peace to fall back asleep in for about an hour. When I awoke at 6, he was gone.  My stomach turned and I imagined a life of never waking next to him again.  In my mind, I knew he was out running but my heart took control of that and my mind begin racing with ridiculous scenarios… had he gone to see her?  What if he never came back?  Thankfully, he returned from his run and came upstairs.  I told him about the dream, he had had a similar bad dream that I had left him so we discussed the dreams and I thought my day would get better.  It didn’t.  I couldn’t shake the feeling of the dream all day, the words in yesterdays found emails were running through my head and I thought, all day, about how for two months he preferred her.  He wanted to be with her when he was with me.  I know that he wants me now and that’s what is supposed to be important, but I cant stop thinking about how alone I felt with him for those two months and how scared I was of losing him, not knowing that I already had.  I feel stupid for not seeing the signs sooner, had I started snooping earlier I might have caught it before it became as painful as it has.  But, I also know that I WAS trying, I WAS doing everything in my power (including a very expensive order from Victoria’s Secret to spice up our romantic life) and he was already in it with her.  I think back to times when he declined my sexual advances, probably because he had already filled his days quota with her.  My stomach is turning today, all because of a stupid dream.  Is this what our relationship has become?  Is it ruined?  Will I ever be able to go an entire day without thinking about this?

Day Thirty Five

Woke up refreshed and ready to move forward with him.  After a somewhat amazing weekend, I felt reassured that he loved me, confident that we could get through this and hopeful for the future.  I went to a playdate, ran some errands and had energy!!  THEN, I stupidly snooped and found an archived conversation between them on facebook…

Her: “Hope your having a super day”

Him? “What? You hope me and Kendall had a great day together?  What does that mean?”

Her: “No.  I hope you did something to make you happy. What did you guys do?  Watch TV, sit on the couch?”

Him: “Something like that, but all I wanted to do was talk to you”

Her: “Can you get away and call me for a few minutes?” 

Her: “Hello?!?!”

Somewhere in there I must have finally grabbed his attention or complained about the computer being open OR sat close enough to him that I threatened their privacy.  Either way, it was sneaky and it just brought to light the fact that he would rather have been with her that night.  I remember that night… I remember sitting on the couch asking him to do a puzzle with me, wanting him to pay attention to me and wondering what I had done to make him not want to be near me anymore… all the while wearing a sexy nightgown with the hopes of connecting with him physically that night.  I was wearing his favorite nightgown and he was wanting to be with her.  Stomach ache, heart racing, head pounding… my usual bodily responses started up and I texted him about it, asking for him to say something amazing.  His response: “I am sorry I said that and I am sorry you found it.  I am leaving soon to be with you, I love you!”  Perfect.  Except, it doesn’t really matter… my body already responded and the words are engraved in my brain.  All I wanted to do was talk to you.  All I wanted to do was talk to you.

Day Thirty Four

Today was all about me.  He woke up at 530 just to go to the store and get me a cup of coffee, a donut, flowers and a few small gifts.  We went to church, then to a nice brunch and spent the day at my favorite place… the horse races.  I enjoyed it so much that I often forgot about the affair!  Until we drove home through the city she lives in.  Then it all came in, flooding my brain with realization after realization.  I wondered what she did today, if he thought about her as we drove past her exit off of the freeway and if she thought about him, somehow knowing he was close by.  Did she feel bad for what she did?  Was I just a road block in her plans?  I hate that her life is okay after this, that all she did was lose a guy she thought she loved for two months.  I hate her more and more everyday.  I want to tell her family, her ex-husband, her friends what she did.  How sneaky and horrible she is.    The night ended with tears and hugging and all sorts of dramatics… how can such a great day turn into this?!?!?  Will there ever be great days that don’t end in some sort of melodrama?

Day Thirty Three

In an attempt to move forward, I told my brain that I wanted nothing to do with its awful thoughts today.  I wanted peace for just one day.  We went to a fair and had a great time, he was perfect, doing everything he should.  We joked, we held hands and we had a nice time with the family.  Once we completely exhausted our kids, we went home to change and went out with close friends while the kids had a sitter.  We arrived early to the bar and had a drink together, gaining a little liquid courage to face our good friends for the first time since this all rocked my world.  They knew everything.  They arrived and we all acted like nothing happened, we slipped into the same old routine of drinking and eating and had a wonderful time.  I just wish this never happened.  We had such a great life before this, with the exception of a brief period of disconnection.  Everything could have been so amazing forever had he not done this to me.  We could have gotten through our “disconnection” just by reconnecting like we had tonight, but it couldn’t have happened with her around.  Now, I am drunk and so scared of the future.  So scared that he will do this again and so scared that I wont be able to forgive him or trust him.

Day Thirty Two

I read about Hysterical Bonding today… its when the sex after dday is amazing and you are “reclaiming” what is yours.  It scared the shit out of me.  Is that what all that great sex was about?  I thought it was about the massive amount of honesty we shared and hopes for the future. What if that part is over now, will he still love me?  Is that what brought him to realize that he loves me?  We had amazing sex the first two nights he was back from his trip… will that even continue?  I have really tried to keep up with our sex life throughout this and he has been very understanding that what he is getting from me is much more than he expected or deserves.  I don’t want a relationship built on great sex… I want to build great sex on our relationship.

I asked him about it.  I read to him what I had read about it, he disagreed. He, again, told me that he is getting much more action than he expected or deserved and that he would be fine if we ceased all sexual activity for a while, to make sure I know its not about that.  Finally, he said exactly what I needed him to say at exactly the right moment.  

Day Thirty One

Hatred day.  I am filled with so much hatred for this woman today that I cant concentrate on anything else.  What the hell was she doing??!?!!?  Why him?  Why my family?  I decided to write her a letter…

“Hopefully this is the last communication you will have with any of my family that you nearly destroyed... including MY husband.  That includes all crazy late night phone calls to OUR friends.  You are no longer welcome, not that you ever were by me, in our life.  He does not love you.  He never did.  He got "caught up" in some fantasy life where you were just a silly little insignificant being that screwed up our world.  My world.  My kids world.  You were nothing but "a mistake" (his exact words), his biggest regret in life and something he wishes never happened.  My children will hopefully never learn of this and will be brought up to respect relationships and not turn out like the two of you. Selfish, horrible people who put her own disgusting urges before the kids' well being.  As a mother one would hope that you would be a better person, the person you want your son to marry.  Let’s hope he doesn’t.  I hope he grows up not knowing how horrible you were in this.  What kind of stepmother did you think you would be to my kids?  Do you really think you are fit to influence a little girl?  I have removed myself from people solely because I thought they brought nothing positive to my kids... and they weren’t nearly as despicable as you.

You were just as much a part in this as Mike and I hope you have been honest with your husband about this... Mike seems to think that the two of you should reconcile.  I think you should, too, so you will back off my husband.  You knew we were having problems and you allowed yourself to be a part of them... the biggest part of them.  You snuck around, you betrayed me and you tried to ruin everything.  Mike is working so hard to rebuild our relationship, I only hope that you finally have a little bit of repsect for yourself and for me and my family to STAY AWAY.

I know you went to St Louis... I know about the lost receipts and the dinners and I can only imagine the dirty sex the two of you had.  I know you woke up with MY husband.  I know you had your mouth on MY husbands body.  I know you talked of vacations.  I know as much as I need to know about this and I am sick about it all the time.  He was supposed to only ever be in my body. I was never supposed to get tested for STD's again. I know Mike doesn’t like to use condoms... but I suppose you know that too, now.  I was supposed to be safe and loved and never feel like this.  Mike is paying the price for this, he is living with this everyday.  I truly believe that he loves me, hates how he hurt me and will live with that for the rest of our lives.  He has told me that being with you made him realize how much he loves me...I will not be thankful and I believe that many other less painful things could have brought him to that conclusion. How does it feel to be the one that made him realize that he loves ME?

You didn’t love him, there is no way you could.  You didn’t know him.  You knew a man who was confused, afraid and dishonest.  You knew a man who he never thought he could be.  With you he was a cheater, a liar and a filthy man who snuck around and betrayed his family.  The fact that you feel that you fell in love with a man like that is disturbing and if you hadn’t continued to sneak around (calling him from friends phones, emailing solely on his hotmail account, asking him to remove me from my own cell phone account, etc) after I found the first text message, I might feel a little sorry for you.  I don’t.  I feel hatred and pain and a constant sickness about the kind of person you are.  Its disgusting what you have done, pushing yourself on him even after I found out.  I hope you are embarrassed about your call to John, one that will be a joke to John's wife and I for years to come.  You are now just some crazy bitch who can’t take no for an answer.  Some slutty girl who tried to ruin a family that was in distress and needed help, not a whore to come in and take advantage of a man who was lost.  He is not off the hook here, don’t get me wrong.  He is just as much to blame as you, but he will work the rest of his life showing me how sorry he is and how much he regrets any involvement with you. He has shown remorse, but you... oh, you... you just get off with a little hand slap.  Oh, poor little Cassie... Mike doesnt love her.  Mike fell for her money and her lifestyle, and could care less about her as a person. I want so badly to tell Brad, your mayor mom and your powerful father EVERYTHING about you.  I have tons of proof, too.  TONS.  I wont, though, because I want you to disappear... to fade into a horrible memory.  

I hope this hurts you.  I hope you feel pain, you deserve every last bit of it.  Whatever pain you might feel right now, if you have made it this far into this email, is NOTHING compared to what I have to live with.  Through this I have learned about the truest form of unconditional love, it is what I have with Mike.  You were just an unnecessary and unfortunate condition that brought us closer together, that showed us an unconditional love for each other.

I know you have to see him at the June market and I hope that you are smart enough to stay as far away from him as possible. “

I am not going to send it… yet.  I am trying so hard to show her that we don’t care about her at all, but I want her to feel the pain and embarrassment that I feel.  I want her to imagine he and I passionately making love and feel a sense of loss that she never got that with him.  I want her to cry, to not be able to eat and to be so consumed by this that she questions her ability to be a good parent.  But, for now, I will bite my tongue.  I wont tattle to her family, I will let her live with this secret.  I will let her stew in it and wonder if he ever thinks about her.  I want to go to yelp and write nasty reviews about her yogurt shop, but I won’t.  I just want her gone.  Forever.

Day Thirty

I really thought that this was going to be a terrible day… the anniversary of my original discovery day.  But, my kids and I kept busy and we had a pleasant evening as a family, dinner outside in gorgeous weather, bedtime was more fun than it had been in a while and he and I really enjoyed each others company after.  I never even realized what day it was until I sat down to write before bed.  That has got to be a step forward, right? 

Day Twenty Nine

Day two of the work week and we are nearing the one month anniversary of my discovery day (as its referred to on infidelity support websites).  I cant believe its almost been a month.   One of the worst months of my 32 years.  Please, please, please, God, tell me that this will get easier.  Tell me that the month of May will one day NOT be filled with grief and sadness. Show me strength and the ability to trust this man.  I cant stop thinking about the deleted messages from his computer last night.  I cant get this feeling out of my gut.  I cant stop perusing the internet, searching for as much information as I can get my hands on about her… I would love to get her home phone number to compare it to the phone numbers on our cell bill, but her soon to be ex husband is a police officer so that’s impossible.  I check the phone records regularly, looking for more secrets and am not satisfied when I find nothing.  I am convinced he is still lying, but I take a deep breath and try to convince myself that he couldn’t possibly be THAT bad of a person that he would continue to lie to me.  He wants to work it out.  He wants only me.  He wants only me.  He wants only me.