Day Twenty Eight

He’s back at work and I am back to my daily grind of parenting, errand running and managing the house.  It’s a cold rainy day and I have an important volunteer meeting to prepare for, which allows me to get my mind off of the affair and the fact that he is back at work, with a telephone I cant monitor in one of the places he used to have sex with her.  I still have so many questions… what was she going to tell her mother about?  Why has he ever seen her house when this supposedly only took place at work?  Has he ever done this before her?  What about those weeks after our first child was born when he withdrew just like he did when he started seeing her?   Was there someone else?  I couldnt help but dissect our entire relationship. 

We settled down after we put the kids to bed and he took his work computer out.  I noticed that an opened window that had been minimized was title “Deleted Messages” and I panicked.  What was he deleting?  What was he hiding?  Were they in contact?  My heart raced and I, instead of asking in anger, waited a moment to compose myself. I asked and he explained that he had had to delete a bunch of large sent emails to free up space on his work email.  What I wanted was for him to open the window and show me, without my having to look like the crazy one and open it for him.  He didn’t. His email filling up has been an issue with his work email account for years, and while I didn’t believe him I decided to take his word for it.  He cant possibly want to hurt me anymore than he has.  He is not the same man who did this, I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Day Twenty Seven

We woke up cuddling and loving eachother.  We had breakfast as a family and went to church, for the first non-holiday service we have ever attended.  At church, I prayed for strength and the ability to keep my mouth shut for one whole day.  I swore to God that I would not bring up the affair, not ask any of the questions that had weighed on my mind and enjoy my family as much as I could.  I was successful!  We spent the entire day together, a trip to the library, lunch at a restaurant, watched last nights movie while the kids napped then ran some errands, had dinner and went out for ice cream.  It was one of the greatest days we have had, with only a few moments of silent sadness on my part.  I quietly worked through the rushes of doubt and depression that I felt throughout the day and powered through the images.  I only hope that every day in our future will be this way, minus the moments of silence I had to take to get through my emotions. 

I realize that he must heal as well.  He feels terrible about it and I cant continue to make him feel worse.  I wish he could feel the way I do, for just a moment, to see how badly I hurt and how horribly I feel about myself.  He cant.  He will never know this because I will never do this to him.  But, I cant berate him with my sadness, I need to find out a new way to deal with this that no  longer effects him.  I checked out books from the library on how to deal with infidelity and I will read them and learn from them.  I must allow him to heal, no matter how hard that is. 

Day Twenty Six

His homecoming day!  In the morning I felt excited about it and that’s good… right?  I wanted him home, back in our bed and not because I wanted to know where he was but because I just wanted to be with him.  I am trying to come up with ways that we can have a weekend away together, but our kids are so young that its hard to find an overnight sitter.  I want to start activities together, like couples personal training (we both love to work out) or bowling or something that he and I can do without the kids.  I am looking forward for the first time. 

We picked him up from the airport and enjoyed an ice cream treat on our way home, then put the kids to bed and sat to watch a movie.  We were both so exhausted from the last few days that we fell asleep in eachothers arms on the couch within twenty minutes of the movie starting. 

Day Twenty Five

A new day of realizations… I reach for a cup out of the cabinet and grab the one he brought me from the zoo as my “souvenir” from his trip to St Louis, the trip to the zoo he took with her.  How can this man stand to hand me a cup from the zoo trip with HER?!?!  I also realize that when he took MY son to her yogurt shop, they had already been sleeping together.  He brought an innocent child into his dirty, disgusting relationship.  MY innocent child.  OUR child.

I cant stop being angry and hurt.  I cant stand the sight of him at times, but I don’t want him out of my sight.  I can no longer control anything and I feel lost and worthless.  My body is depleted, I have lost  over 10 lbs on my already small frame in the last 25 days and I lack energy and motivation.  I am officially “unhealthy” in terms of my weight and I cant even imagine eating enough to bring myself back to the 117 pounds I am regularly. How do I do this?  Today is a whole new day of pain and frustration.  I don’t know how to go on living with this, I don’t know how to forget and I definitely don’t know how to forgive.

The afternoon took a positive turn… I decided NOT to berate him with my newfound realizations, but just try to work them out in my head.  Who he is today is not the same man he was when this was happening, he was withdrawn during their entire relationship and was “caught up” in all of it.  It wasn’t a reality to him, it was a fantasy life with a rich girl whose life he was attracted to more than her.  I just wish he hadn’t taken it all as far as he did.  No matter how filthy this girl is, he should have been up front with her.  He should never have told her he loved her and should never have allowed any of this to happen, no matter how strong her advances where.  She definitely deserves some pain in this, but not the way it happened.  I have been a girl who loved someone, only to have them leave for someone else and had that man drug it out the way he did, I would have been even more destroyed.  But, I did not bring it on myself like she did.  I did not ask a married man to leave his family. 

After a nice day of playful texts back and forth, he called me to say goodnight.  About three minutes into the conversation I became cold and distant and he called me on it.  I don’t even know what happened, the sound of his voice made all the feelings and realizations start running through my brain.  I attacked him with it all… and he was not happy.  He said he had been excited to talk to me, then wanted off the phone because he was tired of talking about it.  He’s right.  I hate to admit it but he is.  If we are going to get through this, I need to let go of my anger and stop attacking him.  I need to allow him the chance to forgive himself for what he has done, and that cannot be accomplished by my constant badgering.  How do I do that?  How do I let go?  I wish I knew what he had to do to help make it happen because, regardless of what has happened, I do not want to punish him any longer.

Day Twenty Four

Today I sent him off on another business trip, back to St Louis where the affair traveled with him.  They stayed in a hotel together, spent a night in each others arms and I am left with the visions of it all.  Dinner out together, waking up with each other, a little action before the workday started, a trip to the zoo together while I was visiting family in Washington. My dead fathers birthday and he wasn’t even thinking about me.  A huge fight with my mother and he was with her when I needed him to be there for me.  He chose her over me.  He chose her over our children.  How do I sleep tonight knowing he is in the hotel where they spent such enchanted fucking evenings together?!?! She slept in the same bed as the pillow he travels with, the pillow that lives in our bed.  I realized that he had, for the first time, asked for a new pillowcase before the trip he took her on.  Gross.  He was preparing to be with her, to share a bed with her while we were standing in our bedroom with our children.  Now, he is in a city where I have never been, where there are only memories of her all around him.  I realized that, at a time when they were probably in bed together, I was singing his praises to my girlfriends about him and our life together.  What a fool I am.

So, I took this opportunity to search his car.  I looked at every piece of paper, every little piece of trash to search for clues that he is still talking to her.  I found a tshirt from the yogurt shop she owns, which I threw away, and that was it.  While it was anticlimactic, it was also a little bit of reassurance.  Either he is done or he is much better at hiding it. 

The day went on in a blur… I tried so hard to not think about any of this and concentrate on our children.  My poor kids have no idea whats going on, but they sense the tension and my absence and are acting out as a result.  They did not deserve this.

When they talked about spending their lives together, did they even consider the kids?  Does this girl know how hard it is to have TWO kids, let alone three (adding in her young son)?  Were they going to get custody then hire a fancy nanny to care for my kids while I was stuck in an apartment somewhere pining for my children?  Do they even know what to do with my daughters incredibly curly hair?  How about my sons excema… were bleach baths or oatmeal creams in their future too?  She told her mom about him.  He was excited that she did, wondered what she said.  This was a few days before he chose me. 

A late night phone conversation brought on more tears and anger.  I realized that several weeks ago when I called him from WA while she was visiting him in St Louis, I was crying and upset that he had the entire day off and never contacted me.  During this, he just sat on the other end of the phone, not saying much.  I was begging and pleading with him that I needed him and I loved him and I wanted to get through what we were referring to as our “disconnect” and he said very little, quietly.  She was there, with him.  I poured my heart out that day and she was sitting there, in my relationship, damaging my family and my soul and nobody showed any signs of guilt.  He said to me, in our conversation tonight, that he is sick of talking about it all the time.  Doesn’t he realize that I am much more sick of LIVING it?!?!?

Day Twenty Three

Not a horrible day, I actually accomplished quite a bit.  I had a few good meals and even went most of the day without feeling sick.  The evening was a different story, more conversations about the horrible thing he did.  I am constantly playing a timeline back in my head and have concluded that every time I thought he was distant, it was because he didn’t want to be with me.  He preferred her.  He would text on the couch, with his body turned away from me.  It was probably her.  He rarely sat next to me, he never kissed me when he came home from work and seemed hardly interested in sex, turning down my advancements on more than one occasion.  I cant stop berating him with my anger.  I cant stop trying to make him feel horrible, its not even intentional… I just want somebody to hurt as bad as I do. 

We went off to bed and tried to fool around, while his fingers were inside me I wretched.  I couldn’t stop playing back in my head pictures of him in her body.  How did she taste?  What did she do for him?  What did they say in throws of passion?  He stopped and asked if I was ok, I said no.  We lay there for a bit and talked, I tried to push the awful images out of my head but they just kept rushing back.  Finally, we kissed a little, then a lot.  He said “We can just kiss, its ok” and with that, those few words, I felt safe with him for a moment.  I felt aroused at that and we had great sex, close sex, the kind where your bodies are so close that you feel like one person.  But, as soon as we were finished, I wondered if they had ever had that, had they ever made love like that?

Day Twenty Two

His first day back at work since he professed his love for me and his willingness to work it out.  I try to be positive and remind myself that he has never bullshitted me when it came to his feelings, he had been telling me for a few months that he wasn’t “in love” with me, that something was missing… but he also told me he wanted to work on it and try to rekindle what we had lost.  He was great today, sent me text after text, letting me know that I was on his mind.  He even got a little flirty and actually got me in the mood for a little afternoon self-pleasuring which I hadn’t been in the mood to do in months. It worked out in both of our favors because we had the most amazing sex that night.  We tried positions we had never tried, did and said things that one would see in a dirty movie  that I have always been too embarrassed to admit to being aroused by.  I suppose my newfound fearlessness in the bedroom comes from the fact that he is not the first man to cheat on me nor is he the first to get a little bored with the sex AND he couldn’t possible hurt me any more than he has by telling me “no” or thinking I was too freaky.  I have always wanted to be the nice girl, not the slutty one.  I wanted him, especially, to see me in an angelic way, as the mother of his children and the woman he loves.  Unfortunately, he also needed me to get a little dirty in the bedroom and I refused to consider it.  RefusED.  Past tense.  We are moving forward and I actually touched myself while he was inside me.  I only recently admitted to him that I have ever masturbated.  I would like to know what he thinks of me now.  If this fearlessness was part of the reason he finally decided he was in love with me.  I cant even begin to think that he chose me purely for the sex, even he cant be that cruel… but I have thought it.

Day Twenty One

After an amazing family day at the zoo, then some shopping we came home and the kids and he played in the backyard while I vacuumed the living room.  While moving the vacuum across the floor, I saw it.  His work laptop staring me in the face with his work email open, the only thing I couldn’t access on a regular basis.  I didn’t want to ruin the day, but feared it might be my only chance to catch him in a lie, which is my new hobby. 

I started looking through more emails, sent ones from his work computer.  I found out MORE lies.  She was with him on a business trip at the beginning of March, stayed for three days.  He had a day off on that trip and he was with her.  He told her he loved her.  He made promises of a life with her.  I discovered that the sexual relationship was MUCH longer than two weeks, the original lie.  Its all lies.  I cant do this anymore.  Shaking, I left the house, drove to the grocery store and bought a four pack of small chilled wine bottles, a pack of cigarettes and a cup to pour the wine in then sat in a desolate park and cried.  Once I realized that I was about to start feeling the effects of the wine I returned home and snuck into the backyard to try to figure this all out.  How can he tell me he loves me and bold face lie to me?  How can this all be happening?!?!?!?!?  I understand that what I found was just more intimate details of what I already knew, but he still keeps lying.  I asked if she was in St Louis, he said no.  She was. I asked if they ever went out anywhere, he said no.  They did.  I asked if they spent the night together, he said no.  They did.  He told me that every sexual encounter took place at his work, he lied. So, when I ask if they have talked recently, do I believe him?  How do I get there?  How do I move past this when there are still so many lies out there?

We talked about the information I found, he told me it was pointless to be searching.  Apparently he doesn’t understand that I am not only looking for proof that he is still cheating, I am also looking for proof that he ISNT.  He is sneaky and a liar… I have to make sure I cover all of my bases. He snuck around behind my back for TWO months, lied, had a fucking mini vacation with her and came home to me.  I have no idea what he is capable of and I have to search everything to make sure he is not still doing this.  I am also looking for the truth about my life for those two months where everything was a lie.  When he came home and didnt kiss me its because he wanted to kiss her.  When we had sex he wanted her.  How do I get to a place where I feel that I am the only one he wants?

Day Twenty

Family Sunday.  The kids woke up and we had breakfast, went to church and hung out with his family.  His mother is still in town (until tomorrow morning) and we invited his brother and his family to our house to swim and have dinner.  It was nice, I’ll admit, to pretend that nothing was wrong especially since he was so affectionate and loving that I had a few brief moments during the day where I felt almost a little happy.  Unfortunately, those moments were few and fleeting.  It gave me hope, though.  Maybe as the days go on, I will gradually feel better, have longer and more frequent moments of happiness and maybe, just maybe, go a whole day without imagining their naked, sweaty bodies bumping up against one another while they orgasm and his fluids rush into her body instead of mine. An entire day without thoughts of his love confessions to her and of his chosing to be with her over me.  24 hours without moments of realizations about the absolute lie that my life was for two months.  One day without wondering if I chose the wrong man.

Day Nineteen

Its time to go home.  Back to him, back to our home, our life, our children.  My flight is horrendous, more turbulence than I have ever experienced, which is definitely ironic, since the life I was returning to was going to be much worse.

I walked into my house, which had been adequately cleaned and all preparations for the following days family dinner had been taken care of, and I felt strange.  A stranger.  I didn’t really feel like I belonged there.  I wanted to get right back on a plane and go home to Washington, where I belong.  Then I considered my two babies, peacefully sleeping and excited about mommy coming home… THIS is where I need to be.  We went to bed and he held me so tight, the whole night.  I wanted to feel safe with him, to feel loved.  I searched and searched for those feelings until the melatonin pill that I have used for sleeping kicked in and I fell asleep in his arms.

Day Eighteen

Spent the day with my sister and a good friend, having lunch, shopping and getting pedicures.  They both were so very supportive, urging me to work it out, telling me that he was not a bad man, but a good man who did a bad thing.  Unfortunately, they don’t even know the half of it.  As far as they know, he slept with her for two weeks and still talked to her after he told me he wasn’t.  They don’t know that he told her he loved her, that they had plenty of things to keep them occupied for the next “50 years” and that he led her to believe that he was leaving me.  I couldn’t bare to have them see him the way I had to.  I hadnt told them what had happened a few days ago.

They both had so many encouraging things to say… if he could change into a man who could do this to his family, then he could change back into the man he once was.  A quote from my grandma… “People always say that people don’t change, but that’s all people do is change.”  He is not a man who would tell me he is in love with me and 150% committed to our relationship if he didn’t really mean it.  Most importantly, if he does this again he is gone and he realizes this and wont do it again, for fear of losing me… the woman he really does love.

After our day of pampering, my sister and I went out for cocktails and I had a renewed sense of faith in our relationship and the prospect of rekindling our love, that was once true and real.  It can get there.  Perhaps it may even be better.  That’s what the wine convinced me of, at least.

Day Seventeen

Day two of my trip and I feel numb. My heart isn’t really aching, but its not feeling either.  He has been so busy with the kids and his visiting mother, that I feel reassured that he is being babysat by his mom.  He has told her what happened, but I doubt she understands how extensive this relationship between them was.  He keeps telling me he loves me, trying to get me to come home early and so attentive of my needs.

I made dinner for my friend, one of my favorite dishes, and couldn’t eat it.  I knew that, in the company of others, I had to eat so I forced down a piece of garlic bread and two pieces of manicotti… Both of which came back up quietly in a quick trip to the bathroom.  My body is actually rejecting food now.  Great. 

Day Sixteen

In Washington, feeling overwhelmed and nautious.  How do couples actually get through this?  How do you move past all of the pain?  The pain is so much right now, it feels like the day my father died… a hurt that I knew I couldn’t get rid of, I just had to get used to it.

Another day on the couch with a book.  I haven’t sat this long since my daughter was born four years ago.  I started to think of weekends with the kids… the things I would miss, the activities they would do without me.  I have been a stay home mom since my daughter was 4 months old, I haven’t missed ANYTHING in their lives and now I might have to miss every other weekend and misc nights.  The thought sends my body into a panic and sit at the computer.  I log on to his email account and send a test email to her.  “Hey, How are you doing?”  Part of me hoped she would respond with something to the effect of “Better after seeing you last night” or “thanks for calling me” or something that told me that he really was a monster and I needed to leave.  I sat at the computer, my heart pounding out of my chest and my stomach about to show me last nights taco until I couldnt take it anymore.  I sent a second email, that said “This is Kendall, that last email was a test.  I am going crazy and I don’t know what to do.  I am sorry, I wont bother you again.”  Then I blocked both of her email addresses from the account. 

I prayed hard.   All day.  Please God, let this be the end of it.  Let her go away from us forever and bring me peace and joy again.  Let me get through this.  Bring him back to me, the way he USED to be and let me see him as the man he was before he met her.  Please don’t let him do this to me again.  Let me get through this.  Please dont ever let my kids find out about any of this.

Day Fifteen

Arriving home to Washington where I belong.  Among my people, my sister, my friends.  I am broken hearted and I am going home for five days to heal.  The promise land.

This is my first trip without my kids, only my sister and two good friends know I am coming.  I have never thought I would go home and not tell my own mother I was there, but I couldnt.  I couldnt tell her about this yet, nor my other sister or other friends. 

He dropped me off at the airport this morning and begged me not go, wanted me to stay but I couldn’t stand the look of his face, the smell of his body or the sound of his voice.  He wants to work it out, he wants to be with me and he wants to get started today.  Little does he know that he is the last person I want to be with, I cant bring myself to tell him for fear that he will run back to her.  She wants him and I don’t, but I don’t NOT want him either, so for now I tell lies right back to him.  He held me so close at the airport, gave me what I have wanted for months and I just wanted out of those lying, cheating arms. 

 I floated through the airport.  I knew what I looked like… exhausted, barely awake and looking like I was traveling for a funeral.  I boarded the plane and was relieved that the middle seat was empty, until the chatty lady in the window seat starting asking me questions… where are you going?  Why?  I put on half of a smile and pretended it was a girls getaway from my kids and husband… then quickly buried my nose in a book. 

Once I arrived in Washington, I got settled at a friends house and she returned to work, leaving me completely alone for the first time since this all happened.  I parked myself on the couch and cried for about an hour, then took a hot shower and tried to get back into my book.  Dinner time arrived and everyone was coddling me… “eat something,” “you’ll feel better tomorrow,” “you are strong, you can get through this.”  It took everything in me to smile and eat a taco from the best restaurant in town.  My favorite food from Washington and I couldn’t even stomach it.  One more thing he took away from me.

He called and texted me all day... "I love you", "I miss you already," "please come home." Every message burned through my soul and sent me spiraling into all kinds of emotion.  Anger, fear, sadness, lonliness, mistrust.... no happiness, no relief.  Why wont he just leave me alone?

Day Fourteen

Today blew up bigger than any other day.  I had a terrible feeling that he was still lying, especially after I confronted him about his phone being locked.  I kept thinking about it, what is he hiding?  Well, I found out.  I asked for his email password and found it.  MORE emails.  More lies.  He told her he loved her the morning before we had sex (Day 9).  He saw her on Saturday, instead of being at work but was texting me and brought me dinner that night.  She thinks they are going to be together.  She asked him to move up his counseling appt, because he probably told her that he was going to leave me.  Then, he finally tells me everything I have wanted all along… He IS in love with me, he wants to be with me, he will do anything for me, he doesn’t love her.  He chose me.  The problem is that I don’t even know if I want him anymore. So, I called her.  She answered and I professionally introduced myself and asked questions… did she love him?  Did she want to be with him?  Did she know we had sex that weekend?  How did she feel about him coming home to have sex with me?  I then informed her that he loved me, only me and that she meant nothing to him.  I told her that he was standing in front of me and not even trying to get the phone out of my hand while I belittled and insulted her.  How did that make her feel?  “He doesn’t love you or he wouldn’t watch me do this to you” She said nothing.  I asked what kind of mother she was to her own child that she would allow my children to go through this?  To try to take away my kids’ father from them?  She said nothing, so I told her she had been no help and hung up.  We then had a full on domestic violence situation… I wailed on him.  I bruised many parts of my body by constantly beating on him, I wanted him to hurt.  I couldn’t even cry.  That’s the scariest part.  He chased me around the house trying to pry the laptop out of my hands, trying to hide MORE from me.  After a long battle for the laptop, one that ended with my daughter waking up and me telling him to be a good father and get her, I locked myself in my car in the garage and read.  I found more emails, more information about this so called “two week fling.”  It was so much more than that.  So much more.  He has been to her house.  He called her “my love” after I found the initial amazing sex text message.  I left the car, laptop in tow, and ran at him like a crazy person.  More rage, more violence and more lies.  This is not a person that I ever thought I could be.  He just sat there and took it, covered his face when he needed to but never once lifted a hand to hit me back or even stop me.

Things settled down.  I ran for my pack of cigarettes and a bottle of wine and went to the back porch.  Luckily my kids slept through it all and did not have to witness what I had witnessed as a child.

 He sat there, scared.  Not of me, but of losing me.  Or maybe of getting caught in more lies.  He informed me that she comes from an incredibly wealthy family and he was more attracted to her life than her as a person.  While I hate her more than anything for allowing this to happen and trying to take a man away from his family, I hate him even more for being attracted to her money.  This girl thought he loved her, she felt good about it and had hopes for their future, but it was all about money.  I come from a mobile home in Washington, my mother is a teacher and my dead father was a small business owner… a small business with a very small income.  Is he ashamed of my family?!?!  My family that has loved him and accepted him, even though he knocked me up a few months into our relationship.  My family has been more to him than his family has ever been to me.  They love him as much as they love our blood relatives and are happy to do whatever they can to see us regularly and help out where needed. Why is that not enough for him?  No, my mom is not a mayor, my dad could never be found on forbes.com and instead of a 7000 sq ft home with three pools, they modestly live in 1800 sq ft with an above ground pool.  Money?!?!!  THAT was the motivator?!?!  He said he could see a better future for our kids in that family… what would that family do better with my daughter than they did with theirs?  She is a little slut who f****d a married man and thought nothing of it.  She is dirty and broken.  How would they influence my son?  To spend all of his time building an empire and working, not spending any time with his family?  When things get tough with whatever lucky woman he marries, just go have an affair instead of being a REAL man and facing your problems head on?  My kids deserve better than all of that.

After a long conversation that was filled with lies, I made him call her to end it and I was going to watch the whole thing.  Unfortunately, I let him off the hook by inadvertently breaking up with her for him because she hung up on him both times he called.  He then began begging me not to go on my trip the next day.  What?  And stay here?  No way in hell.

I am feeling more alone, scared and broken than I ever have.  This whole time, the last 14 days, he has been talking to her.  He saw her on Day 12 before he came home to ME.  He lied.  He continued to f***ing lie to me.  I leave for Washington tomorrow and am so afraid I am not going to want to be with him.  I am afraid that his lies have been too much for my little heart to overcome. 

Day Thirteen

Today I feel optimistic.  I woke early and climbed into bed with him, which felt amazing.  We had a nice morning, worked in the backyard as a family.  I discovered that his blackberry was locked, which sent me into a panic.  I asked about it, he said that his privacy was violated and he felt that I needed to trust what he said, not check into everything.  I let it go then put the kids down for naps and we had a little “nooner” after some civil, productive conversation.  I went to a friends party feeling less damaged and more repairable.  He took the kids to his brothers and I missed them all after few hours. At the end of the day, we put the kids down and had a second round of amazing sex, before going to OUR bed together for the first time since this all exploded in my face.

Day Twelve

Today my sister, my rock, leaves.  I have to do this without her wisdom and guidance and I am afraid.  Twelve days ago he shattered my soul and I now I have to be around him, alone in our home, for the first time since.  He works tonight, then he takes the kids tomorrow to see his brother while I get ready for my trip home to Washington on Tuesday.  I took my sister to the airport and returned exhausted, not ready to do this alone.  He surprised me with how attentive he was, offered to bring me dinner on his way home from work, picked up beer and cuddled with me on the couch.  He seemed different, in a good way. Less withdrawn and more present.  I asked him to come to bed with me, instead of staying in the spare room and he declined. I asked him to “tuck me in” and he said he would but never showed. Again, his phone was with him all day and I have a feeling in my gut that says that this is weird, but I have to at least try to believe him when he says he isn’t doing anything wrong.

Day Eleven

Daddys home.  The day was long and tiring.  I emotionally prepared for his arrival, knowing that I had to pretend to be much more excited than I was (for the kids' sake) yet I actually felt a little excited.  The future is so unclear, he doesn’t even know if he wants to be with me, but at least he is home.  Not with her.  I left for the evening so he could be with the kids and not feel awkward, for them.  I returned to find him asleep on the couch and wanted so badly to curl up next to him. He woke up for a bit and hung out with my sister and I, we were drunk and he enjoyed our silliness.  He went to bed with his phone, which I thought was strange.  No, I am being crazy.  He couldn’t possibly be hiding any more from me.  My sister reassured me that he was probably just a little "gun shy" with it being his first night home.  This whole thing has made me question everything...

Day Ten

Today he will pick his mother up from the airport and tell her everything… well, at least I think he will tell her everything.  After that, we will go out to dinner again before he returns home tomorrow night.  I want him to call me or text me or email me or do SOMETHING to show that he is in this.  That he wants this.  I feel powerless and maybe the sexual activity last night was my trying to win him back.  Show him that I can give him what he needs.  I feel slightly dirty, like a one night stand just took place with my best friend and I don’t know how to face it.  At least he is not talking to her anymore.  She hasn’t made any contact with him and hopefully will be gone forever…

Dinner was great. We had the same chemistry as last night, except this time we went back to his hotel room for a bit before I headed home to relieve my sister of her babysitting duties.  What happened in the car on the way to the hotel was wild.  We did and said things that I would have never thought would happen.  Illegal things that could have gotten us into a car accident, except they all felt so good that we couldn’t stop.  At the end, while still laying in bed naked and he inside my body I burst into tears at the thought of the two of them together.  Did he touch her the same way?  Did he tell her how good it all felt?  I left in a daze, barely able to handle the terrible thunderstorm storm that awaited me.  As I drove home, I was pummeled by hail and cried relentlessly in my car.  I called him to be my savior, to talk me through the drive and I realized at that point that he was the only person I ever wanted to call to save me, but I didn’t trust him to follow through with it.

Day Nine

He comes home tonight, has been gone for 10 days and staying in a hotel for the next two nights so that we can figure out how to be around each other before he sees the kids.  I am picking him up from the airport and anxious about how he will be when he sees me.  Will he realize how much he loves me?  Will he realize how much he doesn’t, how much he loves her instead?  Has he missed her these past 10 days that he has not talked to her?  I have decided to my make first, of many, efforts in healing our relationship… I will park and be inside the airport when he gets off the plane (as opposed to sitting curbside waiting for him).  I worry that this decision sends a “doormat” message, that he will think he can get away with what he has done because I will be there.  I want him to see how strong I can be, how I feel that we can get through this, if he chooses me.

If he chooses me… How terrible does that sound?  I am the one who was betrayed, I am the one who feels lost and powerless, I am the one who is stuck with images of the two of them together, yet I am waiting to see if he chooses me.  That is not what I signed up for when I married him.  I signed up for a life of love and support, a life of honesty, a life of obstacles that we overcome together, not ones that bring him into the bed of another woman.  BUT, I signed up for better or worse… I have got to give this everything I have.  For me, for my kids, for my future relationships (should there be any).  THAT is what I am doing.  I am bettering myself for my own future, regardless of who chooses to share that with me.

We had dinner and drinks at a restaurant by the airport and at first the conversation was strained, talking about the whole situation, then it took a turn I never expected.  We flirted and fooled around.  I felt powerful, amazing.  I looked great and felt on top of the world, in a weird, insecure way.  I know that we have never had the sexual relationship that we each deserve and I decided, in an instant, to change that.  We made out like teenagers at the restaurant then finished up in the car before we went our separate ways, me to my home and him his hotel room.  I went to bed feeling renewed, sexually satisfied and hopeful.

Day Eight

My four year olds first dentist appt today.  She is strong willed and incredibly anxious about everything… afraid of everything.  I had to dig deep and muster the strength to get her through this visit.  We had been talking for weeks about it and I promised to get her a book on dentists from the library, but completely forgot to in the midst of the affair aftermath.  She, very unpolitely, reminded me of this on our way there and I knew it was going to be a disaster.  Yet another casualty in this horrible thing… my daughter now HATES the dentist.  Once she was in the chair, I tried to reason with her and bribe her to get her to let them brush her teeth.  She was not having it.  Out of frustration and emotional exhaustion, I burst into tears asking, no begging, her to just let them brush her teeth!  The dentist politely informed me that this was not going to help the situation and that from what he could tell her teeth were fine and that we should leave and try again in 6 months so she is not traumatized.  Too late.  She already thinks the dentist made me cry.

After a good public breakdown and massive guilt over what this is doing to my kids, I found an inner strength that I had no idea existed and went on with the rest of the day with my fake smile and loved the crap out of my babies. 

The evening brought on the extreme sadness, magnified that feeling in the pit of my stomach that wont go away and the fear of the moment that I had to go to bed.  Going to bed was the hardest part of my day anymore.  That is when my mind raced with realizations of the last few months since he began talking to her regularly.  Every night that he seemed quiet and distant I wondered if they had sex that day and if he was distant because he preferred her.  Was he withdrawn because he missed her?  Why wasnt I enough?  I remember one evening where he was constantly texting someone on the other end of the couch, it was probably her.  While I sat next to him, he was professing his feelings towards her, sending dirty messages and maybe even planning their future together.  While I sat next to him, I was begging him to pay attention to me, pleading for quality time together and wondering what I was doing so wrong that he was so withdrawn.  I was hurting and he didnt even notice, I was trying everything in my power to reconnect with him and he wasnt paying attention... he was thinking about and contacting her.

Day Seven

My sisters mission in all of this is to get me moving.  Out of the house, out running errands, taking the kids to the park… whatever!  We took a much needed trip to the grocery store, then paid attention to the kids.  I even made it a playgroup with all of my friends and took a picture of our son playing the drums and sent it to him.  He was so thankful for the picture, surprised that I would think to do that.  I did it out of habit.  I was in a fake good place in front of my playgroup friends and believed it for a moment. 

The evening went on like all of the others... put the kids to bed, drink wine and talk about it all.  No new developments, just a new sadness that is slowly taking over my body and my life.  I still cant eat, I have lost about five pounds in seven days, my heart races constantly and I am prone to sudden outbursts of both tears and uncontrollable anger.  He says he hasnt spoken with her, that its over.  He says he loves me, but still doesnt feel "in love" with me and he wants to move past the affair and fall back in love with me. I am hurting over the affair and now over his inability to be in love with me.  Shaking, I finally make it to sleep and dream of being with him at a wedding, then I am unable to find him.  I finally locate him in the bathroom with some girl named Tina (we dont even know a Tina).  I wake up sweating at 3am and cry until 5, when I get up to start the coffee.

Day six

Sunday, couch day.  I moped like a two year old.  I had my best friend and my sister in the house taking care of the kids as well as two motherless women can and I pouted.  Thankfully, my body no longer had the ability to cry, so my kids were under the impression that mommy was sick.

I don’t even know what my feelings are today.  I cant process anymore and I have to take a break from the grief.  My sister and I said goodbye to my friend and drank a bottle of wine, rehashing all of the horrible things that have occurred. 

Day five

A sad, sad morning.  Made the kids pancakes and all they did was talk abouit daddy.  I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs “Daddy fucked some other bitch!  Don’t you get that?!?  He is not worth your praise!!!” but I didn’t.  I told them how much he loved them and missed them and would never do anything to hurt them, even though he already had.

The day was spent in another daze, just trying to concentrate on my kids… my wonderful little reminders of the life their father destroyed.  Every night since this all began, we have ritually opened a plastic easter egg with a message from daddy.  Horrifying.  Every single night I have had to be reminded of what a great man he could have been had he not done all of this. 

The only saving grace to today was picking up my sister from the airport, except I decided to take his car instead of mine.  I sat in it, staring at the leather seats and looking for sex stains and dirty underwear.  I could only picture naked bodies rolling around the inside of a car that had previously only ever had my naked body in it.

Day Four

The reinforcements are on their way!  My best friend is making a 4 hour drive from Houston to spend the weekend saving me and my sister is flying from Washington tomorrow night for a week long assistance visit… assisting me in getting on with my daily life, not ignoring my kids and trying to put the pieces back together or build a new puzzle without him. 

The day was spent cleaning and getting ready to loaf around and sulk with my two best friends.  Busy days are the best anymore, they give me less chance to let it all sink in.  The evening turned into a drinking/smoking bitch-fest between two childhood friends, which was exactly what I needed.  We talked about all of his issues, came to terms with the fact that he may not be capable of loving me the way he should, went over the details that I was aware of and came up with strategies… work it out strategies and leaving him strategies.  We focused on all of my great qualities that any man would be lucky to have as a part of his life.  We cried, we got angry and we made off color jokes about the situation. 

I finally didn’t feel alone, I felt full of worth and great things and I realized that, should I decided to do so, I can go on without him.  I will be okay, dammit!  Its too bad that once I went to our bed, was in our bedroom and around his things I literally cried myself to sleep… waking several times in the night with a horrible feeling in my gut and an intense sadness.  I am thankful for those few hours of hopefulness that I felt, but wish they would have allowed me to sleep.

Day Three

This is the day that reality has set it.  I woke up feeling betrayed and lost.  I had to get out of the house, we needed groceries and I needed a reason to get dressed.  Big mistake.  I drove like a zombie, which was probably a bit dangerous for my kids.  As we walked through two different stores grabbing a handful of items from each, I worried that every girl I passed was her.  I thought about the details of their torrid affair, the long conversations they had while I sat at home taking care of our children and house.  I thought about how life would be without him.  I wondered if they would be together if I left him. All of this while ushering my four year old nad two year old through the Dollar Store and Target.  I made purchases I didn’t need and forgot the important ones I went there for.  I cried for a moment when a silly item reminded me of a once happy memory, which now made me sad.  I finished the shopping, drove through and purchased a bag of grease for my kids to eat for lunch and ran to my quiet home, which I vowed to never leave again.  At least not until I had to. 

I remained a zombie the rest of the day.  I stopped talking to my girlfriends for the afternoon as I was tired of talking about everything.  I had yet to have a full meal so I felt a little weak and crazy, so I tried to stomach a little food and tried to give my kids as much attention as I could. 

Today, I want to work it out.  I want to continue my life, I don’t want to turn it upside down.  I want to fight for this relationship that I spent the past five years building.  I want my kids to grow up never knowing that this happened.  I want to go to counseling and I don’t want him to move out.  But… how do I send him off to work everyday, knowing she’ll be there.  Knowing that that’s where they had sex.  Again, so confused.

Day Two

I poured my coffee, popped an advil and glanced in the mirror.  My face was swollen from the constant crying and lack of sleep, my eyes were bright red and my expression showed a broken, sad, mangled mess of a woman.  I had two hours to pull myself together before a friend dropped her 5 year old off for me to watch for the day.  In the midst of my morning routine, I went to text him as I usually do when I awake and he is gone.  This time I didn’t know what to say.  I thought about “Fuck You,” but realized that was a little harsh for me to type at 645 am.  I wanted to write “I love you and I miss you and I want this to all have never happened” but thought he was getting off too easy.  So, I settled with “I slept horribly… the wind was blowing and my mind was racing. You?”   He responded saying he slept horribly and I suggested that we write eachother letters over the next few days, putting on paper our feelings, plans for the future and anything else that we needed to get off of our chests.  He agreed and promised to get to work on it that evening.

Somewhere in the morning I decided to try on different hats throughout the next few days.  Today, I would wear the “Lets work it out” hat and see how it fits.  Tomorrow, the “Get the hell out and write me child support checks” hat.  And, if I am so inclined, one day maybe the “lets pretend he’s dead” hat.

The best thing that happened to me that day was that I didn’t flake on my friend when it came to watching her son.  I was forced to wear more of a smile and interact with the kids (ages 5, 4 and 2!).  The day consisted mostly of playing, eating and cleaning up from the playing and eating.  It kept me busy and I was actually able to eat a little and get my mind off of yesterdays massive betrayal.  I had a friend planning on driving up from Houston that Friday and my sister was flying in from Washington that Saturday to help me and be with me and support whatever decision I was going to make. I felt a little better, honestly.  I felt more in control and was able to stop picturing that naked whore with her body pressed against my husbands, well maybe to not picture it as much. 

That night took a turn for the worse. I spoke to him and he informed me that he had talked to the bitch and broke it off… again, in my masochistic quest for information I asked how she took it.  He said she cried.  She cried.  Which only means that it was more than sex, it was a relationship.  While it was a short relationship (my cyber stalking gave me phone records that indicated two months of regular lengthy phone calls between them, totaling over 700  minutes each month) it was enough to cry over.  I went to bed wondering what they talked about, what her expectations were and if she was actually going to be around forever.  What if she was pregnant?  He claimed to have used protection, but was that enough?  Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep.

Today, I have no clue what I want or should do.  My heart and my head are both sleep deprived and hungry, thus they are not communicating with me.  I am so confused.

Day One

I found out.  I was feeling suspicious due to recent problems in our relationship and checked his blackberry, hoping to find nothing and continue working out our disconnection with each other, which we had even started seeing a marriage counselor about.  Then the text… “thanks for the amazing sex…”  I was floored.  I slowly walked, although it seemed like I had floated, into the bathroom where he was getting ready to leave for a 10 day business trip.  Shaking, I stuttered the words “there is a t-t-text m-m-message about amazing sex… what d-d-did you d-d-do?” He instantly stopped what he was doing and the look on his face said it all.  Busted.  He kept repeating “What? Wait, Kendall, what?” as though he had no idea what I was talking about, waiting to see exactly how much I had seen.  I had seen enough.  He realized this and ran our poor innocent, amazing children down the hall and came back in to a broken, shattered woman lying in the fetal position on the floor, sobbing.  Then came the anger… violent rage like I had never felt before.  I kept hitting him and screaming at him that he ruined everything. He had just had sex with me that morning, less than 24 hours after penetrating HER body! Our family was destroyed.  How could he do this?  What did I do wrong?  Then I repeatedly asked him to leave, and he wouldn’t.  Instead he took our kids to a friends house and came back, wanting to talk.  What do we have to talk about?  I continued with my harsh, angry words and boughts of breakdown crying, telling him what a horrible man he was.  Telling him how disgusted his mother would be.  I even told him that I hope our daughter never marries a man like him nor do I want our son to ever be like him. We started talking about him getting an apartment, my going back to work and sending our defenseless kids to daycare just because he screwed some other woman and his income could not support two households. This went on for several hours, until he finally left for that business trip that afternoon.  I had never felt so exhausted, anxious, hurt and angry all at the same time.  I was certain it was over.  I felt confident that I could never trust him again but I didn’t want to send him back into her arms so I eluded that we may be able to work this out.  That’s what he said he wanted.  Me, him, our two kids all together forever.  He apologized over and over, but still admitted to sleeping with her several times over a two week period.  At the airport he opened the drivers side door, where I sat in a daze, to “say goodbye” to me and I couldn’t even look at him.  He said goodbye to the kids and away we went.  Once his flight left I started to process, and get even angrier.  I emailed the dirty whore who he slept with, told her what I thought of the two of them and asked, as politely as I could manage, if she could verify a few details.  Of course, there was no response. 

We returned home and I returned my normal “mom” duties and taking care of my gorgeous kids.  I was a zombie to those two, hardly able to brush their teeth before bed.  Then I booked two plane tickets.  One for my sister to come out in a few days then one for me to go home to Washington in two weeks.  He had already requested vacation time to spend time with his mother on her spring trip from Massachusetts and I was not about to pretend to be a happy family for her sake. 

Once the kids were asleep the reality of the day started to set in.  I drank a glass wine, turned to an old vice (cigarettes) and had a friend over to study the web for as much info n this amazing little slut that he had found.  I found all the details of their 750+ total minute phone conversations on my cell phone provider website.  I went to facebook and her yogurt shops website… she was pretty, had bigger boobs than I (which is not hard to do as I carry a 32A), and had a child of her own… and I became insane with a thirst for details.  I wanted to know everything, so I called him.  How many times?  Where?  Did you like her boobs?  Did she talk dirty to you?  I don’t know what I was going to gain, aside from a more vivid mental picture, and didn’t care.  I needed some questions answered.  He obliged and let me have my crazy, with a small warning that this is not going to be easy to hear.  It wasn’t.  It almost killed me.  I no longer wanted to know, but now I did.  He said they slept together 7 times, that she meant nothing, he got caught up in it all and that it was over between them.

Bedtime came and I lay in bed, my mind racing, my body aching and my stomach feeling the effects of 3 glasses of wine on a completely empty, anxious stomach.  I felt sick and so very tired.  I tossed and turned, every time I woke I thought about it.  Every time I turned over towards his side of the bed, I thought about it.  After several hours of attempted slumber, I called it quits and made my coffee.

Today, I want him gone.  I cant even stand looking at his pictures, I cant imagine my life spent looking at his face forever.  The only reason that I haven’t packed his clothes is that, sadly, I have been through this before and I know that in a few days I could change my mind.  I don’t want to lose my life, but I don’t think I can trust him.  I am aching all over.